Sunday, August 10, 2008

Maybe it's not ALL that I want

Yes, this blog is about one thing--having a baby--and titled "all that she wants"; but now I'm here to throw a monkey-wrench into the whole darn thing.

A baby is not ALL that I want. It's just the one thing that I might be able to actually control at this point.

In fact, I want much more than that, in a perfect world, and this weekend I caught a glimpse into those feelings once again. They are still buried, somewhere! Just dormant...

I had a really lovely--really great--first date with a quite wonderful man (thanks eharmony.com!). Age appropriate, handsome, very intelligent, kind, and gentle. And funny. Lots of common ground. We met for lunch and didn't part until 3-1/2 hours later, both of us completely unaware of time. I'd say that's a pretty good sign.

I really like this guy. Without "getting my hopes up," which is a really dangerous thing to do, as I've found from previous internet-dates (more on that later), I would say we have definite potential.

It's amazing, and worrying, how the fantasies immediately take over. A loving relationship. A partner in life. Sex (in the fantasy, it's always really good sex). A family. And then the more frivolous things. A date for events. A partner on vacations. Someone to try that new restaurant with. Someone to make dinner for.

Obviously I can't have those expectations yet in reality with this particular man...that would be silly...but I guess this demonstrates that my spirit really has not given up hope for the possibility that my family could be a more traditional one. It's really difficult to have that carrot dangled, since there is so much at stake (and it ain't so great for relationships to have so much at stake, as you can imagine!)

I guess I have to keep focused, and perhaps look at these goals (relationship, and baby) separately. Just because I have one good first date should not alter my quest to become a mother all by myself.

1 comment:

Starr Morgan said...

Congratulations on a great date! I am reading from the bottom up and am hoping to hear about more great dates :)

Although I do have a husband, if I didnt I would be doing the same thing you are...finding ways to have children regardless of my marital status! I commend your boldness and honesty and wish you all the luck!