Basically, normal life for me is no longer normal life. That is, the life of a carefree single gal is somewhat over. And I don't say that in a nostalgic way. I've been wanting that stage of my life to be over for quite. some. time. But it's still kinda weird to be in a transitional stage.
Take going out on the town. I haven't done it much since getting pregnant, partially because of the extreme fatigue of the 1st trimester, followed by the extreme work commitment of the first month of my 2nd trimester. Well things are somewhat back to normal now, and I've had a few social engagements just like the old ones...which include such things as sitting in loud bars full of drinking folks, standing around at gallery openings, and dinners. I've found that I feel a strange kind of outsider-ness, but it's different from the outsider-ness of being the 38 year old single gal. Its more that my interior life has changed, and the casual 'catch-ups' with friends ("how are you feeling?" etc) don't really seem to do the trick. I need talking, lots and lots more talking about MY PREGNANCY, MY BABY. But who wants to listen to that all night at a bar? I have so much to think about and no way to really share it in a way that feels adequate to me. My therapist is helping; my "first time moms" group, which started last week, might help. This is the first time I've ever said this, or really ever thought it, but I can see why it would be comforting to have a partner-in-crime during this time, since there isn't anyone else who would be experiencing the journey quite as much as that person.
Yea. I've been feeling a bit lonely this week. Social engagements actually make it worse.
On the other hand, how could I feel lonely when I FELT FITZWILLIAM KICKING for the first time this week!? I thought I felt a flicker last week. But then on Wednesday I laid down in bed and I decided I really needed to pay attention (a lot of people say it feels like gas...which means I definitely could've had kicking for awhile now but not known what I was feeling. heh.). Oh. my. goodness. He was there. He was SO there. Punch. Punch. Boom. Hit the bladder (oh!). Then he moved kind of to the center of my tummy and I just felt this big, hard bump there. Hello my sweet little boy! Mommy loves you!! Oh, my god. How goddamn amazing.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Traveling, and the list
Well, I'm slogging through my options for maternity leave. Not sure how I will do it, but I'm still planning on taking at least 4-1/2 months. I wrote a pointed letter to the head of HR and cc'd the president of the college (it's a small college--he knows me) about the situation, arguing that they should have offered some kind of supplementary disability insurance at the time they canceled the previous benefits package. Which they should have. Because, get this, they ARE going to offer supplementary insurance, but in January...and guess what, I will be ineligible because of the "preexisting condition" of pregnancy. So I think I have a good argument that they've let me fall through the cracks and should re-instate my previous benefits. We shall see.
My colleague had her surgery; it went well but of course the real question is what the result of the biopsy will be. It's been very hard to see her go through this.
I am just focusing on the MANY things that, it seems, need to be done before the baby arrives! It has turned into a large, endless list. My problem is that I am really such a planner, so I feel like I need to have the nursery entirely done, the gear all purchased, not to mention all that other stuff like hiring a doula, devising a birth plan (deciding what that birth plan entails), finding a pediatrician, finding someone to take me to the hospital (yes, single girls, that's a douzy), etc. I mean, all of it is fun stuff, I'm not complaining. And goodness knows baby Fitzwilliam* will survive if he doesn't have a baby bjorn the instant he's born, but still...it keeps me occupied.
Last weekend I painted the nursery. Will post pictures when it's done!
And then, one more thing. Need advice! I found out this week that I have the opportunity to go to Vienna over Thanksgiving! I am definitely inclined to go. I've been feeling great; I will still be just shy of my third trimester; I'm going to a very efficient first-world country with good health care, etc. The doc says it's fine, but I still wonder why I am hesitating? Something about being close to home during pregnancy feels good. But wouldn't I rather tell Fitzwilliam* that I spent his 6th month on a trip to Vienna, rather than being too timid to take the trip because I am pregnant? Lots of couples take last minute trips before baby, don't they? But I will be alone (it's a research trip for work). I don't mind traveling alone, but it's kind of different this time. The doc did suggest I wear a mask on the plane. Yep, I'll be one of those. I am a bit nervous about H1N1. Looks like the vaccine won't be out by then (would be interested to hear if others are planning on getting vaccinated).
Ok, then, time to check things off my list.
*Fitzwilliam Darcy. The hero of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and my pet name for baby boy.
My colleague had her surgery; it went well but of course the real question is what the result of the biopsy will be. It's been very hard to see her go through this.
I am just focusing on the MANY things that, it seems, need to be done before the baby arrives! It has turned into a large, endless list. My problem is that I am really such a planner, so I feel like I need to have the nursery entirely done, the gear all purchased, not to mention all that other stuff like hiring a doula, devising a birth plan (deciding what that birth plan entails), finding a pediatrician, finding someone to take me to the hospital (yes, single girls, that's a douzy), etc. I mean, all of it is fun stuff, I'm not complaining. And goodness knows baby Fitzwilliam* will survive if he doesn't have a baby bjorn the instant he's born, but still...it keeps me occupied.
Last weekend I painted the nursery. Will post pictures when it's done!
And then, one more thing. Need advice! I found out this week that I have the opportunity to go to Vienna over Thanksgiving! I am definitely inclined to go. I've been feeling great; I will still be just shy of my third trimester; I'm going to a very efficient first-world country with good health care, etc. The doc says it's fine, but I still wonder why I am hesitating? Something about being close to home during pregnancy feels good. But wouldn't I rather tell Fitzwilliam* that I spent his 6th month on a trip to Vienna, rather than being too timid to take the trip because I am pregnant? Lots of couples take last minute trips before baby, don't they? But I will be alone (it's a research trip for work). I don't mind traveling alone, but it's kind of different this time. The doc did suggest I wear a mask on the plane. Yep, I'll be one of those. I am a bit nervous about H1N1. Looks like the vaccine won't be out by then (would be interested to hear if others are planning on getting vaccinated).
Ok, then, time to check things off my list.
*Fitzwilliam Darcy. The hero of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and my pet name for baby boy.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Stressful news
This week things got kind of stressful. Thank god I've been feeling ok physically because the emotional stress was really bad.
First, I met with HR and confirmed the abysmal maternity leave policies of my employer. Well, actually, every employer in the US. This country is truly barbaric when it comes to maternity leave policies. 6 weeks at 60% pay and thereafter unpaid? Not so easy for a single mom. My workplace used to pay 100% (which is actually very unusual) but changed the policy last July (yep, just when I got preggers) because of the financial crisis. It's just depressing. But I've decided that I will still take as much time as possible, even if it means asking to borrow money from family members or going into my savings. I will never get this time back with my newborn child. I'm not taking him to daycare at 6 weeks (hell no). I think I can stretch to about 4-1/2 months if I cash in on sick time, vacation, and a maybe a loan or two. Of course I would like to have even more than that.
I wish I lived in England. Or Canada. Or France. New moms have it really good there.
The second source of stress is that my supervisor at work received the terrifying news that there is a mass in her lungs. She's going into surgery next week and will be out for 6 weeks. It's extremely scary, and the first word that comes to mind is cancer, of course. Which means this could be just the beginning of her trials. She is someone I care about--a lot--and the thought is truly horrifying. She is only about 55, with a child in her last year of college.
In addition to the emotional stuff, this adds other stresses to my life because I will be heading the department in her absence. I need to keep a pact with myself that I will say no to extra work if I need to. I really can't be overdoing things, and I MUST take the best possible care of myself. (I am writing this down as a kind of contract, because I am REALLY bad at saying no at work).
Yep, it was one of those weeks when things didn't seem quite so easy.
First, I met with HR and confirmed the abysmal maternity leave policies of my employer. Well, actually, every employer in the US. This country is truly barbaric when it comes to maternity leave policies. 6 weeks at 60% pay and thereafter unpaid? Not so easy for a single mom. My workplace used to pay 100% (which is actually very unusual) but changed the policy last July (yep, just when I got preggers) because of the financial crisis. It's just depressing. But I've decided that I will still take as much time as possible, even if it means asking to borrow money from family members or going into my savings. I will never get this time back with my newborn child. I'm not taking him to daycare at 6 weeks (hell no). I think I can stretch to about 4-1/2 months if I cash in on sick time, vacation, and a maybe a loan or two. Of course I would like to have even more than that.
I wish I lived in England. Or Canada. Or France. New moms have it really good there.
The second source of stress is that my supervisor at work received the terrifying news that there is a mass in her lungs. She's going into surgery next week and will be out for 6 weeks. It's extremely scary, and the first word that comes to mind is cancer, of course. Which means this could be just the beginning of her trials. She is someone I care about--a lot--and the thought is truly horrifying. She is only about 55, with a child in her last year of college.
In addition to the emotional stuff, this adds other stresses to my life because I will be heading the department in her absence. I need to keep a pact with myself that I will say no to extra work if I need to. I really can't be overdoing things, and I MUST take the best possible care of myself. (I am writing this down as a kind of contract, because I am REALLY bad at saying no at work).
Yep, it was one of those weeks when things didn't seem quite so easy.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Evolved people
It's interesting to me that I've been so SURPRISED at the generally very positive reactions that the "wider world" has had to my pregnancy. This tells me something about myself. Deep down I am so very very concerned with what people think of me. Even though I've often taken my own path in life, that path has always been very socially acceptable because it has involved achievements of the sort that people respect. This is definitely the most radically against-the-social-norm thing I have ever done, or ever will do. And in some ways, the "coming out" was very traumatic for me. Now that I've seen how accepting everyone is, I feel great, but also kind of embarrassed with myself that others' approval meant so much to me. I wonder if I would have TTC much, much earlier if I could have just let go of that?
Now, I'm kind of enjoying the fact that people might be whispering about me behind my back. I guess it makes me feel special and interesting, instead of the social pariah I thought it would! I'm sure there is whispering, because I haven't told the general world the 'circumstances' of my pregnancy. I don't feel that it's anyone else's business---that's between me and my baby. The amazing thing is that NOT ONE PERSON HAS EVEN ASKED. They have been so accepting. When I began to tell my boss about the donor (she was the only one I was going to tell), she actually kind of stopped me and said it was none of her business, that she is just so happy for me. Isn't the amazing? People are so much more evolved that I expected. I've also been immediately accepted into the mommyhood fold. It's so interesting; almost like people now consider me an adult, or something!
As far as physically, I've been feeling quite good. I wouldn't say that I'm bursting with energy, but I seem to be able to rise to the occasion when I really need to. I've been quite focused at work and feel well, sometimes even feeling like I'm not pregnant (except for those rubber bands currently being used to hold my pants closed). Pregnancy has been easy for me so far on the physical side, but more of a mental and emotional battle than I expected.
Finally, I miss my mom terribly. She's been on a trip to Europe for the last two weeks, and I absolutely can't stand it! She is such an important part of this journey. I've started to really scheme about how I can get her to take an apartment in my town for a few months a year when the baby comes...of course, yes, I still have my dad to deal with, who would completely nix that idea. So I'm wondering what other ways we can devise to spend more time together with my baby.
Now, I'm kind of enjoying the fact that people might be whispering about me behind my back. I guess it makes me feel special and interesting, instead of the social pariah I thought it would! I'm sure there is whispering, because I haven't told the general world the 'circumstances' of my pregnancy. I don't feel that it's anyone else's business---that's between me and my baby. The amazing thing is that NOT ONE PERSON HAS EVEN ASKED. They have been so accepting. When I began to tell my boss about the donor (she was the only one I was going to tell), she actually kind of stopped me and said it was none of her business, that she is just so happy for me. Isn't the amazing? People are so much more evolved that I expected. I've also been immediately accepted into the mommyhood fold. It's so interesting; almost like people now consider me an adult, or something!
As far as physically, I've been feeling quite good. I wouldn't say that I'm bursting with energy, but I seem to be able to rise to the occasion when I really need to. I've been quite focused at work and feel well, sometimes even feeling like I'm not pregnant (except for those rubber bands currently being used to hold my pants closed). Pregnancy has been easy for me so far on the physical side, but more of a mental and emotional battle than I expected.
Finally, I miss my mom terribly. She's been on a trip to Europe for the last two weeks, and I absolutely can't stand it! She is such an important part of this journey. I've started to really scheme about how I can get her to take an apartment in my town for a few months a year when the baby comes...of course, yes, I still have my dad to deal with, who would completely nix that idea. So I'm wondering what other ways we can devise to spend more time together with my baby.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Big Reveal
This could be a very long update post. I'll try to keep it simple.
1. Last week was the major professional milestone that I've been working toward for 3 years. Everything went off smashingly well! I appeared in front of over 100 people on opening night (wearing a empire waist dress to hide the increasingly bulging belly). My family was in town. It was all a good good time.
2. Family in town (parents, bro, sister in law) was SO NICE. God, I wish they lived closer. We worked on cleaning out the 2nd bedroom, converting it from a guest room to a nursery. I bought a crib!! It is a beautiful Pali crib that I got second hand for an absolute steal. It's adorable. I will post pictures once I get everything the way I like it. Mom/Grandma is going to make the nursery linens.
3. Pregnancy privileges. This was the first weekend I got any. Having family around helps. My family has never been a baby-ing type family. But last weekend they treated me like a delicate little flower and let me tell you I WAS LAPPING IT UP. Bringing me chairs. Tip-toeing around the house so that I could sleep in. A nice, but fleeting feeling. The only negative so far about doing this alone is the lack of consistent pampering. :)
4. I TOLD WORK! The day after my event, I told my boss, my uber-boss, and then gradually the rest (although now I'm ready for the rumor mill to begin---I can't tell every last person for goodness sakes). It's been AMAZING. I must admit I had some rather irrational fears about the awkward questions and disapproving looks. Let me tell you---ALL irrational. My colleagues have been nothing but excited, supportive, thrilled, and, well, adult about it. I think they all realize that it's none of their damn business how or why I did what I did. Their business is to be supportive and happy for me. It helps that I work in a place run predominantly by women, most of whom are mothers. There will be a large shower!
5. The more people you tell, the more you learn of other people who have become SMCs. A few of my colleagues of all ages have SMC friends. People also reflect on their own experiences and say wonderful things about how special their own relationship with their children has been. It's all incredibly encouraging and touching.
It feels wonderful to be "out" to the world.
1. Last week was the major professional milestone that I've been working toward for 3 years. Everything went off smashingly well! I appeared in front of over 100 people on opening night (wearing a empire waist dress to hide the increasingly bulging belly). My family was in town. It was all a good good time.
2. Family in town (parents, bro, sister in law) was SO NICE. God, I wish they lived closer. We worked on cleaning out the 2nd bedroom, converting it from a guest room to a nursery. I bought a crib!! It is a beautiful Pali crib that I got second hand for an absolute steal. It's adorable. I will post pictures once I get everything the way I like it. Mom/Grandma is going to make the nursery linens.
3. Pregnancy privileges. This was the first weekend I got any. Having family around helps. My family has never been a baby-ing type family. But last weekend they treated me like a delicate little flower and let me tell you I WAS LAPPING IT UP. Bringing me chairs. Tip-toeing around the house so that I could sleep in. A nice, but fleeting feeling. The only negative so far about doing this alone is the lack of consistent pampering. :)
4. I TOLD WORK! The day after my event, I told my boss, my uber-boss, and then gradually the rest (although now I'm ready for the rumor mill to begin---I can't tell every last person for goodness sakes). It's been AMAZING. I must admit I had some rather irrational fears about the awkward questions and disapproving looks. Let me tell you---ALL irrational. My colleagues have been nothing but excited, supportive, thrilled, and, well, adult about it. I think they all realize that it's none of their damn business how or why I did what I did. Their business is to be supportive and happy for me. It helps that I work in a place run predominantly by women, most of whom are mothers. There will be a large shower!
5. The more people you tell, the more you learn of other people who have become SMCs. A few of my colleagues of all ages have SMC friends. People also reflect on their own experiences and say wonderful things about how special their own relationship with their children has been. It's all incredibly encouraging and touching.
It feels wonderful to be "out" to the world.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Hitting the "mother"lode
Thanks for all the comments recently. Yes, my grandfather does use email! He's been doing so for about 10 years. Very impressive. I think it takes up a lot of his time on a daily basis, which is really a good thing. More lovely thoughts continue to stream in from near and distant family members. Strangely, the only big hole in all the congratulations is my sister in law, who hasn't said word one. But why worry about one when everyone else is so happy? And I'm feeling so much better about the BOY coming into my life. It did take about a week of sadness, but I've come to see all the wonderful things about having a boy!
My mom suggested I check out some of the Labor Day yard sales for baby gear. Since I'm having the baby in March, there won't be a lot of yard sales closer to the date! Oh...my...goodness, but did I hit the motherlode (literally and figuratively). I cruised around the upscale part of town and there was a couple with two young kids moving out of their enormous Victorian. They had absolutely everything--the best stuff and in great condition. I didn't want to go too crazy...but I did get a Mac.laren stroller, a Gra.co pack and play, a bouncy thing, a "my breast friend" nursing pillow, and three books I'd been wanting for a mere $40. They also had a beautiful P.ali crib (a brand I hadn't even heard of, but they made it seem quite special), which I am thinking over. Not sure what the decor of the nursery is yet, so can't buy everything I see!
In the process of stopping by couples-with-young-children yard sales and revealing my pregnant status, I felt like I was immediately indoctrinated into some kind of mommy "club." Suddenly it was all smiles and girlfriend conversations. I found it slightly bizarre.
I've spent the weekend cleaning and starting to "conceptualize" (i.e. clean out) the nursery. I can already tell....I'm going to need a bigger place. I'm not even close to what would qualify as a pack-rat--in fact, I'm pretty good at paring down since I've moved so often in my life--and yet all of my closets are already full. All that new baby stuff I bought? Takes up half the room. If I can get through the pre-school years in this place it might be just about time for the market to rebound and to sell my place and move to somewhere with at least a 3rd bedroom.
My mom suggested I check out some of the Labor Day yard sales for baby gear. Since I'm having the baby in March, there won't be a lot of yard sales closer to the date! Oh...my...goodness, but did I hit the motherlode (literally and figuratively). I cruised around the upscale part of town and there was a couple with two young kids moving out of their enormous Victorian. They had absolutely everything--the best stuff and in great condition. I didn't want to go too crazy...but I did get a Mac.laren stroller, a Gra.co pack and play, a bouncy thing, a "my breast friend" nursing pillow, and three books I'd been wanting for a mere $40. They also had a beautiful P.ali crib (a brand I hadn't even heard of, but they made it seem quite special), which I am thinking over. Not sure what the decor of the nursery is yet, so can't buy everything I see!
In the process of stopping by couples-with-young-children yard sales and revealing my pregnant status, I felt like I was immediately indoctrinated into some kind of mommy "club." Suddenly it was all smiles and girlfriend conversations. I found it slightly bizarre.
I've spent the weekend cleaning and starting to "conceptualize" (i.e. clean out) the nursery. I can already tell....I'm going to need a bigger place. I'm not even close to what would qualify as a pack-rat--in fact, I'm pretty good at paring down since I've moved so often in my life--and yet all of my closets are already full. All that new baby stuff I bought? Takes up half the room. If I can get through the pre-school years in this place it might be just about time for the market to rebound and to sell my place and move to somewhere with at least a 3rd bedroom.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
97 years of wisdom
I just have to post this. I think this it is the sweetest note I have ever received.
My mom wanted to wait to tell my grandparents until after the CVS (yes--I still have TWO living grandparents--my mother's parents--ages 97 and 95). They live clear across the country and I do not see them nearly enough. My mom decided to email them the news, because they have trouble understanding things on the phone sometimes. This is the message I received this morning over email (written by my grandpa, I'm sure).
"I got yesterdays mail today and it had wonderful news. We have seen pictures of you with Andy's babies and realize your love. You will be an excellent mother and this will fill a void in your life. We are glad you made the decision and are looking forward to another grand child. We send our love. Grandma and Grandpa"
I can't tell you what this means to me. Having family support is THE most important thing (and actually feeling that support has been something I've come to really treasure on a daily basis). I never thought my 90+ grandparents would understand, and yet this email shows that they understand on the simplest, most basic level. And what else is there, really, but love? To have a 97 year-old person express that to me means everything.
My mom wanted to wait to tell my grandparents until after the CVS (yes--I still have TWO living grandparents--my mother's parents--ages 97 and 95). They live clear across the country and I do not see them nearly enough. My mom decided to email them the news, because they have trouble understanding things on the phone sometimes. This is the message I received this morning over email (written by my grandpa, I'm sure).
"I got yesterdays mail today and it had wonderful news. We have seen pictures of you with Andy's babies and realize your love. You will be an excellent mother and this will fill a void in your life. We are glad you made the decision and are looking forward to another grand child. We send our love. Grandma and Grandpa"
I can't tell you what this means to me. Having family support is THE most important thing (and actually feeling that support has been something I've come to really treasure on a daily basis). I never thought my 90+ grandparents would understand, and yet this email shows that they understand on the simplest, most basic level. And what else is there, really, but love? To have a 97 year-old person express that to me means everything.
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