I wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. Your enthusiasm means a lot!
My shock and surprise at such early success (the credit for which must go to my donor's supernova sperm!) has undoubtedly led to the litany of feelings I've been experiencing. I still can't believe it. It feels strange to admit, but not all of my feelings are completely deliriously happy ones. I've had A LOT of anxiety. Gut wrenching anxiety. I really think and hope that this is normal. I'm a realist, at heart, and I know that what I am doing is going to be hard, very hard, and change my life forever. It's something I've been wanting (obviously!), but I still can't seem to stem the anxiety! The problem is that I'm a bit of an over-planner, so I find myself trying to visualize exactly what my life will be like, when I can't, really. What I should be visualizing is what it will feel like to look into my baby's eyes for the first time. Tell that to my overactive mind.
(My mother told me that parenthood is all about anxiety---get used to it).
I have nine months to process all of it. And believe me, in my case, it seems like nine months is a very necessary transitional period. It still doesn't feel quite real.
Yep, I have morning sickness and lots and lots of symptoms. None are overwhelming---I seem to be able to overcome the nausea by about noon every day (breakfast just AIN'T an enjoyable experience). It returns again just a little bit in the evenings. And tonight I'm super tired. Lower back pain; sore boobs. All the standards. It's quite a trip to not know what your body might do the next day!
My OB office is pretty hands off so far (and I've had very little contact so far, since I went the home-remedy route)! No betas even. My first appointment is an ultrasound July 27 (week 7) for "dating and viability." Until then I'm stocking up on books and trying to eat right and talking a lot to close friends who are in on the secret.
Really, I'm so excited, when I let myself not worry! I spent the weekend at my parents' (two very traditional people who took the news admirably well) and I came back with two adorable stuffed animals that my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl. Winnie the Pooh, and Eeyore. They're now in my second bedroom, holding a place, waiting to be squeezed and hugged by little arms.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
How life can change in an instant
Oh my god.
Yesterday morning, I got a positive.
I was so surprised, I could barely breathe. Surprise seems to be the overwhelming emotion at the moment. I am waiting for the shock to wear off so that the other, better emotions can flow in!
And this morning, the morning sickness began!
Ladies, I don't even know what to say!
Yesterday morning, I got a positive.
I was so surprised, I could barely breathe. Surprise seems to be the overwhelming emotion at the moment. I am waiting for the shock to wear off so that the other, better emotions can flow in!
And this morning, the morning sickness began!
Ladies, I don't even know what to say!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Not a happy camper
Ok, I'm chillin' until Thursday, or maybe Friday (?), when I'll try HPT #2. I'm leaving tomorrow for the family reunion. How awkward that I'll be testing in the bathroom I'll be sharing with my parents. Not holding out a lot of hope. Absolutely 0 symptoms other than the release from mid-cycle cramping.
I called my mom yesterday and really whopped her with a big one. I was upset about the BFN and wanted to tell her. The thing is, I hadn't told her that I had started trying in earnest, so it was a big surprise for her, the whole thing. She struggled quite a bit and said something really annoying, which she says every time we discuss single motherhood. "It will be hard." Yea, well, I understand it will be fucking hard. I don't understand why she can't just be excited for me like all of my lovely, supportive friends. I mean I do understand...she was put on the earth to worry about me. I hate that I still crave comfort and support from my parents, when they really have so little to do with my life at this point, and they so RARELY deliver on that front. It almost never fails that when I seek support I end up feeling worse afterwards. Clearly, I'm a masochist.
Therefore, not looking forward to the family reunion. Especially because it has become kind of a yearly marker for me, along with Christmas and my birthday. Every year I think to myself "Maybe next year, I'll have a...(fill in the blank with) relationship or child." I have a REALLY horrible cousin who always asks me about my love life in front of everyone at the table. I've decided this year I will ask him about his hair transplants.
Speaking of camping, I somehow agreed to 2 nights of camping with my bro, sis in law, and 2 nephews (3 and 1). Should be interesting!
I called my mom yesterday and really whopped her with a big one. I was upset about the BFN and wanted to tell her. The thing is, I hadn't told her that I had started trying in earnest, so it was a big surprise for her, the whole thing. She struggled quite a bit and said something really annoying, which she says every time we discuss single motherhood. "It will be hard." Yea, well, I understand it will be fucking hard. I don't understand why she can't just be excited for me like all of my lovely, supportive friends. I mean I do understand...she was put on the earth to worry about me. I hate that I still crave comfort and support from my parents, when they really have so little to do with my life at this point, and they so RARELY deliver on that front. It almost never fails that when I seek support I end up feeling worse afterwards. Clearly, I'm a masochist.
Therefore, not looking forward to the family reunion. Especially because it has become kind of a yearly marker for me, along with Christmas and my birthday. Every year I think to myself "Maybe next year, I'll have a...(fill in the blank with) relationship or child." I have a REALLY horrible cousin who always asks me about my love life in front of everyone at the table. I've decided this year I will ask him about his hair transplants.
Speaking of camping, I somehow agreed to 2 nights of camping with my bro, sis in law, and 2 nephews (3 and 1). Should be interesting!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Yeah...no.
The test this morning was a definite negative. I probably tested too early, but I still don't hold much hope for this cycle.
Now I will proceed to obsess over why I didn't have my mid-cycle cramps this cycle. I wonder if perhaps I never ovulated at all. See, doing this "blind" will lead to these questions.
It's hard having one's hopes dashed. Is that just the understatement of the year, or what?
I guess I'll be drinking at the family reunion. Good ole' spinster aunty Jo makes her appearance, once again.
Now I will proceed to obsess over why I didn't have my mid-cycle cramps this cycle. I wonder if perhaps I never ovulated at all. See, doing this "blind" will lead to these questions.
It's hard having one's hopes dashed. Is that just the understatement of the year, or what?
I guess I'll be drinking at the family reunion. Good ole' spinster aunty Jo makes her appearance, once again.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Fingers and Toes Crossed
I definitely wouldn't call it obsessing, but I have decided I can't wait much longer and will take my first POAS test tomorrow (Monday) morning (11dpo).
I feel GREAT, actually. By which I mean really even-keeled, full of energy, happy. I wouldn't call this a symptom, although some months at this time I'm really edgy...Instead, I think it has to do with being thrilled and excited that I've finally DONE SOMETHING. Now I also realize how, once you begin, it becomes something you want so darn keenly....! Daydreams of me holding my infant aren't going to go away.
But I do want to note one "symptom," which isn't so much a symptom of pregnancy as the disappearance of a symptom that I have *every* month accompanying my endometriosis. This is horrible mid-cycle cramping, around CDs 18-21 (post ovu), which only occurs in the middle of the night. I get 10-15 minute "episodes," occurring 2-3 times per night, in which my uterus cramps into a fist. A lovely feeling! No doc has ever been able to explain this to me, but they all attribute it to endo. It's like clockwork. Since going off the pill last year, I have not had one cycle without these cramps.
So...this cycle, I haven't had any of these mid-cycle cramps. It's currently CD24.
Heh. I've read about the body producing progesterone in early pregnancy, which keeps the uterus from cramping. But let's just pretend I didn't write that. Getting one's hopes up is not advised.
I feel GREAT, actually. By which I mean really even-keeled, full of energy, happy. I wouldn't call this a symptom, although some months at this time I'm really edgy...Instead, I think it has to do with being thrilled and excited that I've finally DONE SOMETHING. Now I also realize how, once you begin, it becomes something you want so darn keenly....! Daydreams of me holding my infant aren't going to go away.
But I do want to note one "symptom," which isn't so much a symptom of pregnancy as the disappearance of a symptom that I have *every* month accompanying my endometriosis. This is horrible mid-cycle cramping, around CDs 18-21 (post ovu), which only occurs in the middle of the night. I get 10-15 minute "episodes," occurring 2-3 times per night, in which my uterus cramps into a fist. A lovely feeling! No doc has ever been able to explain this to me, but they all attribute it to endo. It's like clockwork. Since going off the pill last year, I have not had one cycle without these cramps.
So...this cycle, I haven't had any of these mid-cycle cramps. It's currently CD24.
Heh. I've read about the body producing progesterone in early pregnancy, which keeps the uterus from cramping. But let's just pretend I didn't write that. Getting one's hopes up is not advised.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Practical things keep us busy!
Well, I'm all inseminated up and ready for the big TWW. I feel strangely calm about the whole thing! My main focus right now is to think about what things I should be cutting out and changing in my life. I started weening myself from my daily glass of wine about 2 weeks ago...caffeine, not so much. One cup a day.
One of the things that I obsess over is how I would clean the darn cat-box while/if I'm pregnant. You know, the whole toxoplasmosis thing. And being the only one in the house and all. I'm sure I'm an overworrier, since my cat is essentially an indoor cat. But still--seems like if I can avoid inhaling cat litter dust every night, I should. So I totally splurged on the most bizarre appliance you'll ever see---the Catg.en.ie! It is hilarious--it scoopes, washes, and flushes everything from the box and down your toilet all by itself. It's fantastic! Bartleby (also known as Rey de la Casa) is not quite used to it yet, but we're taking it slow.
And today I'm off to get a filter for my kitchen sink. Corresponding with my ttc has been a whole bunch of leaflets about lead in the water. Nice.
The hardest thing by far is the lack of antihistamines. I am dying. Any suggestions?
As for the TWW, I have a good friend's 40th birthday party tonight---big dance party, lots of drinks. I haven't told this particular friend and I'm not planning to (yet), so I'll have to figure that out (since I'm usually heading straight for the bar). Also, I'm supposed to go to my yearly family gathering on 12 dpo (testing day). Could be an interesting family reunion this year!
Off to the hardware store...
One of the things that I obsess over is how I would clean the darn cat-box while/if I'm pregnant. You know, the whole toxoplasmosis thing. And being the only one in the house and all. I'm sure I'm an overworrier, since my cat is essentially an indoor cat. But still--seems like if I can avoid inhaling cat litter dust every night, I should. So I totally splurged on the most bizarre appliance you'll ever see---the Catg.en.ie! It is hilarious--it scoopes, washes, and flushes everything from the box and down your toilet all by itself. It's fantastic! Bartleby (also known as Rey de la Casa) is not quite used to it yet, but we're taking it slow.
And today I'm off to get a filter for my kitchen sink. Corresponding with my ttc has been a whole bunch of leaflets about lead in the water. Nice.
The hardest thing by far is the lack of antihistamines. I am dying. Any suggestions?
As for the TWW, I have a good friend's 40th birthday party tonight---big dance party, lots of drinks. I haven't told this particular friend and I'm not planning to (yet), so I'll have to figure that out (since I'm usually heading straight for the bar). Also, I'm supposed to go to my yearly family gathering on 12 dpo (testing day). Could be an interesting family reunion this year!
Off to the hardware store...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
When to Test?
Today I got the big smiley face on my OPK, so it's time for the first home insem. Holy Moly! And Aiy Caramba!
So, I'm a bit slow, internets, and honestly, overwhelmed by all the info out there. When should I do my first pregnancy test if I insem tonight and tomorrow (3 insems)? Would it be a home test (POAS) day 12 after insem? Or should I make a doctor's appointment for a blood test earlier than that?
So, I'm a bit slow, internets, and honestly, overwhelmed by all the info out there. When should I do my first pregnancy test if I insem tonight and tomorrow (3 insems)? Would it be a home test (POAS) day 12 after insem? Or should I make a doctor's appointment for a blood test earlier than that?
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