Tuesday, July 28, 2009

First Ultrasound!

My life changed yet again yesterday. How many times can one's life change in a 2 month period? :)

I saw my little bean on the screen. He (for some reason, I tend to use "he") is 1.3 cm long. Perfect! The exact right size for his age. And there's only him. No brother or sister (a relief). And a very strong heartbeat. Hearing that was definitely a tear-inducing moment.

I called my mom and she was actually excited and joyful for the first time! She's been holding back a bit on me until now. It was sweet.

Went to dinner at my dear friend Maya's and she and her husband had another couple over, friends of mine, not close, and their 2-1/2 month old! It was a precious evening. I asked the father how they were holding up. Can you believe what he said? "Taking care of baby isn't hard...you know what's harder? The negotiations between the two of us adults! Everything's turned into a negotiation! It's exhausting."

Wasn't that the most perfect thing for him to say to me, the future single mom? Of course he has no idea. Love it!

I feel so blessed.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

More joy

Don't know why, but the call of the blog has left me somewhat. I think I still feel somewhat at a loss for words (which I rectify below)! And it's too early to start blogging about baby gear (although I break my own rule, below). Viability still not certain (ultrasound Monday!). And I'm still dealing with some very complex emotions.

Today I feel wonderful (emotionally). Excited and joyful. I even, I admit, began to troll the IKEA children's website. Am pondering the thought of a bassinet. Wow!!

This is quite a change from Wednesday, when I felt totally freaked out. So, you see, it changes daily!

Physically, I've been really ok. Very little nausea. Monster appetite! In bed by 9 pm. Seriously. Yesterday I felt like muck at work (mostly just fatigue). But really doing well.

I've begun seeing a therapist, a specialist on maternal mental health. For one thing, I think it's important, with the lack of a partner, to have someone following my emotions throughout this journey. The "talky talk" is already helping...there are many issues (you name it--how often will donor daddy see the child? how will I tell my boss? will I ever date again? will it be possible, some day, to just feel normal? a normal member of society?)

That last one is an interesting one. I think the answer is YES. And the baby will help that. This year is going to be the tough one---the questions, while prego and while the baby is still in diapers. After that, no one blinks an eye about a single mom, do they? One of the things that's become so clear is that this NEW CHAPTER (and that's an understatement) in my life will be such an amazing learning experience. And I've always been extremely bored when I'm not learning new things. Granted, it's a different type o' learning than my PhD...but this type of learning I can only imagine will give me a whole new perspective on the world, on my life. It's something I welcome with open arms. Heaven knows, it's what I've been yearning for.

I also imagine that, when I finally get out of the house, baby will open a whole new world socially for me. The world of my peers. I know that I will find many cohorts among the moms and dads of young children out there who I never meet. So I'm starting to see this as an opportunity to expand my life in so many numerous ways.

See, I'm getting there! The shock of first-time-success is starting to slowly wear off. (Don't think I'll ever quite get over that surprise though!) Baby will be hearing that story. ("Baby, you REALLY were sick of waiting around!")

So, testing. I'm going to ask for the CVS (early) test for chromosonal abnormalities. I hope they let me do that. Not sure how it all works. Will learn more on Monday! My dear friend Maya is going with me to the appointment.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Feeling.....anxious? Why anxious?

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. Your enthusiasm means a lot!

My shock and surprise at such early success (the credit for which must go to my donor's supernova sperm!) has undoubtedly led to the litany of feelings I've been experiencing. I still can't believe it. It feels strange to admit, but not all of my feelings are completely deliriously happy ones. I've had A LOT of anxiety. Gut wrenching anxiety. I really think and hope that this is normal. I'm a realist, at heart, and I know that what I am doing is going to be hard, very hard, and change my life forever. It's something I've been wanting (obviously!), but I still can't seem to stem the anxiety! The problem is that I'm a bit of an over-planner, so I find myself trying to visualize exactly what my life will be like, when I can't, really. What I should be visualizing is what it will feel like to look into my baby's eyes for the first time. Tell that to my overactive mind.

(My mother told me that parenthood is all about anxiety---get used to it).

I have nine months to process all of it. And believe me, in my case, it seems like nine months is a very necessary transitional period. It still doesn't feel quite real.

Yep, I have morning sickness and lots and lots of symptoms. None are overwhelming---I seem to be able to overcome the nausea by about noon every day (breakfast just AIN'T an enjoyable experience). It returns again just a little bit in the evenings. And tonight I'm super tired. Lower back pain; sore boobs. All the standards. It's quite a trip to not know what your body might do the next day!

My OB office is pretty hands off so far (and I've had very little contact so far, since I went the home-remedy route)! No betas even. My first appointment is an ultrasound July 27 (week 7) for "dating and viability." Until then I'm stocking up on books and trying to eat right and talking a lot to close friends who are in on the secret.

Really, I'm so excited, when I let myself not worry! I spent the weekend at my parents' (two very traditional people who took the news admirably well) and I came back with two adorable stuffed animals that my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl. Winnie the Pooh, and Eeyore. They're now in my second bedroom, holding a place, waiting to be squeezed and hugged by little arms.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

How life can change in an instant

Oh my god.

Yesterday morning, I got a positive.

I was so surprised, I could barely breathe. Surprise seems to be the overwhelming emotion at the moment. I am waiting for the shock to wear off so that the other, better emotions can flow in!

And this morning, the morning sickness began!

Ladies, I don't even know what to say!