Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Back on the Bandwagon

Back from my trip to California.

I have some truly amazing friends there. I talked extensively with my two closest girlfriends about my plans. Both of them are new mothers. Both are in relationships. They couldn't be more supportive of my plans. In fact, they are actively encouraging me with all their hearts. And the stories! One tried to describe to me what it was like the first time she held her son. This is someone who wasn't sure she wanted children until just recently. Tears all 'round. The other told me how her 1-1/2 year old girl cupped her face between her hands after mommy stubbed her toe and asked, "mommy o-tay?" More tears. The intensity of their love and connection to their children was so evident, and so wonderful. They are two of the people I love most in the world, so it was incredibly moving.

It was different from the other talks I've had with friends and family. Those talks usually amount to me convincing myself I can do it, met by the usual "it will be hard, but you can do it," questions, practicalities. But these friends didn't even consider the practicalities (it was nice). To them, there was no question that I would adapt to the situation and that, obviously, whatever I had to do was completely and totally worth it.

One of my friends is having a difficult time in her marriage. She has said to me many times that a relationship doesn't necessarily make you feel less alone as a parent.

Internets, I'm getting there. I'm going to be back on the ttc bandwagon very soon.

Oh, and I had a date with my ex in California. It is very clear that things are going nowhere unless we happen to live closer together at some point. Makes sense, obviously. And now I know. I can move on.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

38, surprised and proud

In the past two weeks, things have gotten really weird at work. Basically, it's the same story as most places at the moment. It started with a call for belt-tightening. Then, after the board meeting, pending layoffs were announced. This is not something I thought I would ever be confronted with. This moment in our history is so surprising...and even those of us who planned out our lives in a deliberate, practical way--never took risks, never spent egregiously beyond our means, entered a seemingly stable field, didn't buy a ridiculously overpriced mortgage--will be affected.

Sigh. I don't think I will be laid-off (knock on wood); but I do fear that something will happen to make my financial circumstances less palatable. The most likely scenario is a permanent reduction of hours or even a pay-cut, and reduction of benefits. All would be bad, but not as bad as losing my job altogether. If it's a reduction in hours, one less day at work is one less day of daycare, and one more day with a child. Looking at it that way, it almost seems nice.

My natural inclination is to start looking for another job. But everyone in this situation right now is presented with the same problems: few jobs, and, on top of that, real estate that is not going to sell. Moving would be a bitch under those circumstances. Wow, do I feel stuck. Who would've ever thought buying real estate would be a BAD move? It's a whole new world.

So I am waiting--we won't know the decisions for at least a month. I know that I will be losing many valued colleagues. It's going to be hard. For the moment, denial is working well. I hosted my own birthday party last night (yes--38 was last Tuesday). It was a fantastic time. Last spring, I set out to answer several questions by 38, and I realize I've answered almost all of them. I revisited two exes, one of whom became my donor. Another of them is still on the table (this is SF man, who I will see in 2 weeks). I also looked seriously into single motherhood. These were all must-dos. So I guess I should be proud.

Cheers everyone!