Saturday, May 30, 2009

Jo's Family

I'm meeting with a midwife next Tuesday. My plan is to use the midwife for live sperm IUI with my known donor.

Saying I'm ready to begin has not been without its fears (several late-night awakenings in somewhat of a panic). I think this must be quite natural. Yes? But every morning when the night terrors have subsided, I am finally able to think to myself that THIS IS the time. A realization, long labored and long time coming, washed over me after my trip to San Francisco. This is me having a family. My own family. I know that sounds kind of...rudimentary...duh...of course it is. But for some reason my "thinking" stage has involved a lot of feelings that what I am doing is about a lack (of husband), a loss (of relationships). I don't really feel like that any more. Or, at least, I think I'm finally over it. This is about my own, sweet, loving, happy little family, one that I am building, one that is as vital and meaningful and wonderful...and anyone else's family.

I hope that makes sense. And when I think about it that way, it is so...amazing. So exciting! It's about plenty rather than lack.

On the money front, I paid off ALL OF MY CREDIT CARDS yesterday. What better time to begin? (note to self: no more visits to TJM.a.xx.)

Happy weekend!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Feel Ready

I feel ready to begin.

First try will be mid June. I'm mid-cycle at the moment.


Friday, May 22, 2009

The New Mommy Group

I've been on the west coast in my favorite city on an actual real vacation for the last week. It's been great. I realize how much I want to move back out here. Making it happen is another thing altogether. Meanwhile, back at work (while I was conveniently away), layoffs were announced. I am safe, thank god. But a close colleague--who is pregnant--was laid off. It seems very unfair. And I'm sad about it. This, followed by a panicked day or two, where I've realized how INCREDIBLY unprepared I am if I were ever to lose my job. I need to be smarter and better about my finances. A real wake-up call.

Hanging out with my friends and their kids is fun. I've also had a lot of "me" time, and finally, had dinner and drinks with my ex and continuing "potential." Boy, was I in a mood. I think I said absolutely everything I could have possibly wanted to say. Directly. I told him about ttc. So it's all out on the table and FINALLY I think I can move on. Things are not happening between us---I guess I've known this, but I needed to really talk it out and say everything I needed to say. Shew. How many exes do I have, you may ask? Are there any more lurkers who I need to confront before I move on? Guess what? This is it!! It's over!

One of my favorite things to do is sit in a busy cafe in this city, drinking great coffee (maybe a cupcake!) and reading the newspaper. Yesterday, while doing so, I found myself in the midst of a "new mommy" group. I should've left as soon as I realized it (the group grew and grew as I sat there). But I didn't. I guess I was feeling strong and was more curious than anything. Ok, after about 15 minutes I admit I couldn't take it anymore. But I am not bitter---I know that I can have this if I want to. It's just a matter of moving forward with the possibility. So in a way, it was good for me. This process of "thinking" has taken much longer than I expected since last August when I started making plans. But it is what it is.

Ok, one more day of vacation and then back to reality in the world of lay-offs.

I have been bad at commenting but I am still following everyone. Cheers to you all!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

We Know Her Well

I'm done with all the crazy wackiness at work! I now have free time. And yet...not so much to fill it with. The terrible truth of the workaholic.

The thing with 3rd time guy TOTALLY self-combusted. As I should have predicted. As many of my friends predicted. I actually feel relieved. But I'm glad I gave it every effort. I now have no regrets.

I will admit, only to my blogosphere, and now that I have some distance, that I was pushing it almost wholly out of desperation for not being sure about the whole SMC thing. This is what happens. Yes, it's far better to do it alone than with someone who is totally not right for me. I know that, intellectually. But when I get into that state of uncertainty I convince myself of all kinds of crazy wacky things.

I know I'll never end up with the wrong guy, though, for the long term. The reason is that unhappy, unsatisfied Jo is a very unpleasant person. Not many men, not any man, would be able to hang with that. It probably feels somewhat like a never-ending teeth cleaning. Jo, the evil dental hygienist.

Back to the good ole alone Jo. We know her so well.