Saturday, September 13, 2008


I was having a bad day yesterday. Work was bad. Work is usually my one really good, consistently rewarding thing, so when it sucks, all of the other depressing things in my life also come into high relief.

I got home after a long day of feeling unappreciated and inadequate, found a small little bottle (like, airplane small) of "dark chocolate vodka" in the freezer, and plopped in front of the tv. Next thing I knew, I was calling Ex Number 2 (Matthew). We are very close. We tried the romance this summer, and it was as if neither of us had it in us. We talked about that. I told him that, romantically, I feel like a cardboard cut-out of myself. [Case in point: James. Things are totally stagnating with that, and I know it's about me].

At the same time Matthew and I care deeply for one another, but I wouldn't describe it, exactly, as romantic love. We talked about that. Next thing I knew, through tears, I was telling him that "I am going to have a child--I mean, no, I'm not pregnant NOW, but I am working toward that." He just kept saying WOW; not a shocking, that's bad, but WOW, that's big, Jo. But he was so supportive, so wonderfully supportive.

Next thing I know (thank you, chocolate vodka!), I am asking him if he would consider donating sperm to my cause!

It got more intense from there, as you can imagine. He said yes.

I said, no, you need to THINK about this; we both need to THINK about this EXTENSIVELY, like for a couple of months, hashing through all the pros and cons, and how it would work. Writing down questions, asking them, figuring it out. This is not a relationship, at least not a traditional one, it's something different, and we need to define that.

I was elated after the phone call. But this is serious--talk-to-a-therapist-stuff, isn't it? Part of me has been wanting this for months (well, actually, I have been thinking about Matthew in this role for a couple of years), but how do I assess, logically, if this is the best choice? There are so many questions to answer.

1 comment:

Starr Morgan said...

Sometimes courage comes in a bottle disguised as other things like chocolate vodka! It sounds like it could be a real possibility but there will definitely be a lot for the two of you to work out. Good luck!

I am sorry to hear that things with James have dwindled and that initial hope and magic is gone.