Saturday, September 20, 2008

PKD, Discussion 2

I had another really good talk with PKD (potential known donor) last night. I thought maybe after our first conversation he would have second thoughts, come to his senses...whatever you might call it. Well, he's still very positive about it. I was able to bring myself to ask him what he would want out of the whole thing, or what his expectations might be as regards the child. He said that it's hard to think past the first couple of years, but that his overriding thought is that he would like to help. We still need to define what "help" means, obviously (taking it one step at a time..)! He said that it would be very hard, impossible, for him to have no contact with the child. I'm glad he said that. I want my child to know who his father is. We just need to come to a mutually-comfortable agreement. As I said him last night, I feel that as long as I / we are comfortable with the situation, the child will be comfortable with the situation.

One thing that we still need to work through is how or why our brief romantic relationship (of July!) ended, or more accurately, didn't go anywhere. I think it's important that we are both on the same page, and that there are no lingering desires to be romantically involved. The feelings that we have for each other are quite complex, but I think we both realize we aren't cut out for a partnership. More to explore there...

Finally, I had my 5th date with James on Thursday night. I didn't break up with him but I did feel (and I venture, indicate physically) that things are over between us. I'm sure he is surprised, since the first 3 dates were so wonderful, but it really just hit me on date 4 that it wasn't working for me. I could try to explain why, but it would sound too much like a Seinfeld episode.

My parents are coming for a visit tomorrow for 3 days. This is a crazy time for them to be here. So much going on in my head. I'm worried about conflicts (I have a history of that with my father). My mom and I are close and can talk about anything, but not the case with my dad. I feel that I need to talk to him about where I am going. I really need his support. But I am worried that my dad will be uncomfortable and say something painful and difficult that will replay in my mind again and again. For this reason, my inclination is to hold off on the group discussion and just wait until my mom and I have some time will be hard, though.


Dora said...

Ooooh, I have much to say about this post! Of course these are only my opinions.

First, about your parents. This can be such a hard process. Why make it harder for yourself my adding in conflict with your father. I would suggest talking with your mom alone. Your dad can be apprised of the situation when it's a done deal. Like when you're showing! That's how I'm handling it with my family. This process is so emotionally draining, that I can't spare the energy to deal with someone who's not 100% behind me. At this point, you don't know how long this will take. Conflict and negativity will make it harder.

Re PKD. Great that he's still interested and you are in agreement about involvement. The romantic involvement is a sticky thing. I'm far from an expert about this, but anecdotally, the times I've heard of problems with KDs it's almost always been where there was a romantic relationship at some point between the two people. It would make me nervous. My KD is a gay man I've been friends with for almost 30 years. Unfortunately, I can't seem to produce the eggs for his guys to fertilize. I have a contract that I edited to specify things similarly to what you are looking for. If you want, I can email it to you.

Re James. NEXT! :-) The indefinable things really matter.

Billy said...

I'm also trying to become a single mother by choice (but with [unknown]donor sperm).

I think it's great that Matthew agrees to father your child, because by no doubt I agree that it's better for the child to know who the father is and even better to have a relation with him (as I understnad both you & Matthew would want), but I agree with you that you must first resolve whatever was between you. You must both go into this clear of what you expect and ckear of what happened.

Did you end up telling your father? If yes - I hope it went well.