Things have gotten wacky at work, as they tend to do this time of year. Isn't it amazing how, within days, that ole' stress can return? I think to myself "oh, yea, THIS. I remember this." Somehow I totally partitioned it off all summer. I guess I'm good at compartmentalizing.
I finally got the book, "Knock Yourself Up..." in the mail, and I stayed up until 1:00 last night voraciously devouring it. Then I awoke at 5:00 just thinking and yearning. Then, on my way to work all I could think about was my baby--the feeling of having him in my body, the extremely amazing joy of breathing in her smell when she is born. Oh, god. It was hard to switch it off when I got to work. One of these days I'm going to blurt out something horribly inappropriate to a coworker, with tears in my eyes.
One of the things that the book is helping me to grapple with is the idea of donor sperm. I do have hesitations about it. The major one, not surprisingly, is the consequences it might have for my child's identity (or his grappling with his identity). I just picture the average 15 year old and her angst and struggle at trying to know who she is. Many women more eloquent than I have written about this issue before. But god, it's a doozy, isn't it? I am also still just--uncomfortable--with the idea in general. Just not sure yet where I am with it.
One of the best sections in the book is about the advantages of single parenting. It's really the most honest assessment that I've ever seen. Basically, it's arguing that for some women, single parenting can actually be easier. I must say, that resonated STRONGLY with me. The reason being...that the relationships, well, they have always been so hard and honestly, unhappy for me. Of course there is always the blissful love phase, but the rest is mostly characterized by conflict, and pain. [I can't tell you how many times someone has said to me "When you meet the right one, it won't be that way." It's kind of like the ole' "When you stop trying (to conceive) it will just happen," which seems to be the most common sentiment expressed to those ttc.] Hmm.
So yea. Going it alone seems to fit who I am, however I may not have planned it this way, visualized it this way, or even imagined it. I must say--never ever ever did I imagine myself using donor sperm. Wow. But, perhaps I am slowly coming to terms with the possibility that that this is where I am supposed to be.
brief update: 4th date with James; I'm afraid the sizzle is dying, but then, I don't even know, anymore, what my criteria are...it's all messed up.