Not a happy camper

Ok, I'm chillin' until Thursday, or maybe Friday (?), when I'll try HPT #2. I'm leaving tomorrow for the family reunion. How awkward that I'll be testing in the bathroom I'll be sharing with my parents. Not holding out a lot of hope. Absolutely 0 symptoms other than the release from mid-cycle cramping.

I called my mom yesterday and really whopped her with a big one. I was upset about the BFN and wanted to tell her. The thing is, I hadn't told her that I had started trying in earnest, so it was a big surprise for her, the whole thing. She struggled quite a bit and said something really annoying, which she says every time we discuss single motherhood. "It will be hard." Yea, well, I understand it will be fucking hard. I don't understand why she can't just be excited for me like all of my lovely, supportive friends. I mean I do understand...she was put on the earth to worry about me. I hate that I still crave comfort and support from my parents, when they really have so little to do with my life at this point, and they so RARELY deliver on that front. It almost never fails that when I seek support I end up feeling worse afterwards. Clearly, I'm a masochist.

Therefore, not looking forward to the family reunion. Especially because it has become kind of a yearly marker for me, along with Christmas and my birthday. Every year I think to myself "Maybe next year, I'll have a...(fill in the blank with) relationship or child." I have a REALLY horrible cousin who always asks me about my love life in front of everyone at the table. I've decided this year I will ask him about his hair transplants.

Speaking of camping, I somehow agreed to 2 nights of camping with my bro, sis in law, and 2 nephews (3 and 1). Should be interesting!

Yeah...no.

The test this morning was a definite negative. I probably tested too early, but I still don't hold much hope for this cycle.

Now I will proceed to obsess over why I didn't have my mid-cycle cramps this cycle. I wonder if perhaps I never ovulated at all. See, doing this "blind" will lead to these questions.

It's hard having one's hopes dashed. Is that just the understatement of the year, or what?

I guess I'll be drinking at the family reunion. Good ole' spinster aunty Jo makes her appearance, once again.

Fingers and Toes Crossed

I definitely wouldn't call it obsessing, but I have decided I can't wait much longer and will take my first POAS test tomorrow (Monday) morning (11dpo).

I feel GREAT, actually. By which I mean really even-keeled, full of energy, happy. I wouldn't call this a symptom, although some months at this time I'm really edgy...Instead, I think it has to do with being thrilled and excited that I've finally DONE SOMETHING. Now I also realize how, once you begin, it becomes something you want so darn keenly....! Daydreams of me holding my infant aren't going to go away.

But I do want to note one "symptom," which isn't so much a symptom of pregnancy as the disappearance of a symptom that I have *every* month accompanying my endometriosis. This is horrible mid-cycle cramping, around CDs 18-21 (post ovu), which only occurs in the middle of the night. I get 10-15 minute "episodes," occurring 2-3 times per night, in which my uterus cramps into a fist. A lovely feeling! No doc has ever been able to explain this to me, but they all attribute it to endo. It's like clockwork. Since going off the pill last year, I have not had one cycle without these cramps.

So...this cycle, I haven't had any of these mid-cycle cramps. It's currently CD24.

Heh. I've read about the body producing progesterone in early pregnancy, which keeps the uterus from cramping. But let's just pretend I didn't write that. Getting one's hopes up is not advised.

Practical things keep us busy!

Well, I'm all inseminated up and ready for the big TWW. I feel strangely calm about the whole thing! My main focus right now is to think about what things I should be cutting out and changing in my life. I started weening myself from my daily glass of wine about 2 weeks ago...caffeine, not so much. One cup a day.

One of the things that I obsess over is how I would clean the darn cat-box while/if I'm pregnant. You know, the whole toxoplasmosis thing. And being the only one in the house and all. I'm sure I'm an overworrier, since my cat is essentially an indoor cat. But still--seems like if I can avoid inhaling cat litter dust every night, I should. So I totally splurged on the most bizarre appliance you'll ever see---the Catg.en.ie! It is hilarious--it scoopes, washes, and flushes everything from the box and down your toilet all by itself. It's fantastic! Bartleby (also known as Rey de la Casa) is not quite used to it yet, but we're taking it slow.


And today I'm off to get a filter for my kitchen sink. Corresponding with my ttc has been a whole bunch of leaflets about lead in the water. Nice.

The hardest thing by far is the lack of antihistamines. I am dying. Any suggestions?

As for the TWW, I have a good friend's 40th birthday party tonight---big dance party, lots of drinks. I haven't told this particular friend and I'm not planning to (yet), so I'll have to figure that out (since I'm usually heading straight for the bar). Also, I'm supposed to go to my yearly family gathering on 12 dpo (testing day). Could be an interesting family reunion this year!

Off to the hardware store...

When to Test?

Today I got the big smiley face on my OPK, so it's time for the first home insem. Holy Moly! And Aiy Caramba!

So, I'm a bit slow, internets, and honestly, overwhelmed by all the info out there. When should I do my first pregnancy test if I insem tonight and tomorrow (3 insems)? Would it be a home test (POAS) day 12 after insem? Or should I make a doctor's appointment for a blood test earlier than that?

Life is Fun

You're not going to believe this.

I met a sweet, interesting, smart, successful, intriguing, dare I say gentlemanly, man.

I have seen him twice in 2 days. It's somewhat lovely. But very new of course.

New, but full of all kinds 'o potential. Not to mention that a relationship with said man offers me the possibility of one of the best summers I've ever had. His whole life revolves around yachting in some of the most beautiful places on earth.

Yea, heh. I almost wish I was kidding. But I'm not.

I just. can't. believe. this. universe. sometimes.

But REEEEEEAAAALLLLLY. A girlfriend who announces she's pregnant a few weeks into the relationship (knock wood) is bound to be a real turn on, right? Sure! Hoist the sails, let's sail to the Caribbean! (as she barfs over the side of the boat).

Ah, life.

CD2 of "The Big Month" !

Yesterday was CD1!

I met with the midwife last Tuesday. She was a real sweetheart. I am not her usual client. She is most often working for lesbian couples and teaching them how to do their own home IUIs. Since I don't have the option of having a partner to help, she would perform it in her office. Logistically, it's a bit difficult, as my donor has to travel from NY, and the midwife is 40 miles away. It was nice talking with her because of all the successes (including her own pregnancy) performed via home IUI or ICI! Hers in fact was ICI from frozen sperm.

Because of the logistics, and because I feel the need to start slowly (and admittedly, I still harbor some fear about the IUI, given my strange reaction to the HSG last November) I decided to start the easy way and do a home insem for the first cycle. Folks, I know there is a very low chance that this will actually take, but at this point I prefer to remain optimistic. Why shouldn't I?

The midwife is definitely a good option for the future, and waaaaaay cheaper than doctor IUIs. I would have to pay almost $2,000 out of pocket for a doctor IUI (vs. $250 for the midwife). Remember, all, I live in a mandate state where I get 0.00% coverage for any fertility treatments because of my single status. (news flash, there was actually a proposal in the state assembly last week to change this mandate! but it never went to a vote because of assurances that the nazi governor of my state--who's in office for 2 more years--would veto it).

I have been charting my cycle for months now, and I can usually feel when I'm ovulating, too. I'll be using an OPK. My donor has cleared his schedule for the window. This is happening!

And one last thing: has anyone ever heard this little bit of folklore? The midwife mentioned it but then I got this from W.iki "answers" : The X sperm (which are the sperm that make females) live longer than the Y sperm (which are the sperm that make males). However, the Y sperm swim faster, so the chances are equally good that you will get a girl or a boy. If the Y sperm swim fast enough before they die to fertilize the egg, then you'll have a boy. If the Y sperm don't reach the egg before they die, chances are an X sperm will get there shortly, and then you'll have a girl.

The midwife told me that the above explains why people who artifically inseminate have more boys: because they inseminate exactly when they are ovulating, the fast sperm (boy) tends to reach the egg. For those who inseminate (or have intercourse), say, the day or hour or whatever before ovulation, they have a better chance of getting the longer living (girl) sperm.

I never knew that. Do you believe it?

Smug parents

Have you ever noticed that when your mind is focused on something, the cosmos seems to recognize it, and throws things your way to either challenge or support you?

So in the last two days there was a long story on NPR about how most new parents feel completely incompetent (the story was about new dads, but still). Then, my uber-boss went on a major tangent in a meeting about how she used to take business trips when her kids were young just so she could have some time for herself, followed by a lengthy tangent among all my colleagues chiming in their own stories of same.

Then there are the smug parents (kind of like the smug-marrieds a-la Bridget Jones). I attended a BBQ hosted by some newish friends on Sunday. The kid quotient was very unexpected--at least 15 children under the age of 5! It was chaos, but hilarious. And the parents were nice (most were new acquaintances)--I'm not saying I was treated as a pariah, but there was definitely a bit of smug parent posturing in this particular crowd. And I was feeling great until one woman said to me "Oh, sorry, you were probably expecting a nice, relaxing afternoon, something quiet, right?" What do you say to that? I should have said something like, "Oh, yes, usually I spend my afternoons sipping martinis while having a simultaneous mani- and pedi-." She was probably just trying to be nice, but she ended up skillfully pointing out how different I was from everyone else at the party.

The funniest thing about the day was the tiny little tyke--he must've been about 2 years old, clearly potty-training--who pulled down his pants and started to pee in sight of the entire party. He pointed it directly onto one of the beautifully planted new flowers in the garden. His father was mortified, but it was pretty hilarious. Ah, parenting!

Anyway...there's definitely a part of me that can't wait to surprise them all in a few months (fingers crossed).

Meeting the midwife tomorrow! Will report back.