I've had one of these weeks where I've thought very little about ttc. I think the last month of decision-making and thinking has been so overwhelming that psychologically I just needed a break.
Part of it was that last weekend I had a talk with my mom, who happened to have spent a few days last week with my big brother (lawyer brother, the one helping me with the kd contract). Of course I pried her a bit and asked "What did you two talk about, hmmm??" She admitted that they had discussed my plans, and then she said "He's worried. He made me worry."
Ummm. About what, mom? Is it the legal stuff, or other stuff?
"He just thinks you might not know what you're getting yourself into."
Oh. My. God. Is that not the most annoying thing to say? And frankly, to think? Not only is it condescending, but here's the REALLY ridiculous (not to mention ironic) thing: my big brother and his wife have made the decision NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN. Their decision is completely off limits to all family (no one is allowed to discuss it with them). Being a prying sister, I did have one discussion with my brother about it and he admitted, "I'm just scared; I don't know if I'd be a good father; I don't want to 'give up our life' for something that scares me so much."
This is the man saying he "worries I don't know what I'm getting myself into." Of course he worries!! HE doesn't know what I'm getting myself into! (and, apparently, has always been too scared to find out)! So you see why that statement is doubly annoying.
For God's sake. This is what I get for involving family at this early stage. Luckily, when I pointed out how ridiculous it was for him to say that, my mom said, "Oh. You're right. I feel better now." Poor woman.
But the rub of it is that I spent all weekend thinking maybe he was right! Grr. Family.
So I took the week off from thinking somehow. I went out two evenings and stayed out too late (once with the man from the last post...more later!). I worked my ass off. I made fun plans for the weekend.
And now, I feel ready again. Onward. Onward. Onward.
5 comments:
Oh, I'm so sorry! That's is so unfair of your brother, considering his perspective. No one really knows what they're getting into before they have a child. Maybe you can give your family the same directive your brother has about his own decision. Discussion off limits.
Being a parent is hard work. Being a single parent is even harder. But not fulfilling your dream of being a mother would be so much harder.
When I read this kind of thing it reinforces my decision to inform my mother when I can no longer hide my belly.
Hang in there. You can do this!
Oh, how annoying!
If he made a decision that having a child is too worrying, how dare he question your desire to have one? Because he decided not to have, does all the world have to follow suit!?
And I agree with what Dora said - it might be hard work being a parent and especially a single parent, but it would probably be much harder not going after your dream.
I have two kids and I am therefor delurking to tell you it is even harder then you think it will be. Really... But is will also be so much more special then you can even start to imagine. Having children is junping in the deep with a blindfold on. But it is for all us, married or not. I think you brother might be scared you pull of something that he doens't dare to do
Seriously?! I heard similar things from one of my sisters and it really lit my fuse.
There are lots of things in life that are scary and hard. It doesn't mean we get to hide under the covers and wait until it's our time to kick the bucket. The hardest things in life are more often than not also the most fulfilling and joyful.
I find comments like 'not knowing what you're getting yourself into' and 'having kids is so hard' incredibly insulting and annoying. If it wasn't worth all the sacrifice and hard work the human race would have died out a long time ago. I think SMC's are the least likely of folks to not know what we're in for because just getting to the actual kid to raise part takes so much thought, planning and effort.
I'm glad you were able to recognize that your brother's comments have more to do with his decision that children were too much for him to handle and really have very little to do with how equipped you are to be a parent.
Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a rant. I just get so mad when folks say dumb things!
I often find that people's "concerns" are just a way of projecting their own issues on to someone else. "That would be hard for me so it MUST be hard for you." "I could never do that so I don't understand how anyone else would." It's incredibly annoying and irritating and frustrating, but they usually don't mean any harm (even though you want to clock some sense into them).
I'm glad your mom came around. And I hope your brother lets it go.
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