Here's the post where my blog acts somewhat like therapy. I'm going to talk about some things that keep me up at night and that in past times I may have only shared with a professional. Since I don't want to spend the dough on that right now, here goes.
My anxieties seems to revolve around the stress of being the sole caregiver to my future child. Here are the things that run through my head (and that seem much scarier at 3 a.m.)
1. What if something happens to me? My child is 50% more likely to be left parent-less than with a 2-parent family. I worry about my child being left without me. Somehow planning for life insurance and custodial rights doesn't seem to banish this fear. Part of me feels guilty for subjecting my future child to this possibility.
2. Last night I woke up thinking of my future baby with colic, or with a cold or flu in the middle of the night, and the loneliness and fear of that moment. I even had a kind of vision of me standing by my window trying to comfort her/him. Those are the moments I think will be the hardest.
3. What if somewhere in there I am Mommy Dearest? Ok, this is really irrational, and surely brought on by the showing of that film last Friday evening on the WE network. There is no reason to fear in any way that I would be such a horrible, hurtful, mean mother as Mommy Dearest. Really. I don't want to scare anyone out there. I am a true devotee of wire hangers and even use those horrible dry cleaner hangers with the sticky rolls on them on a regular basis. Wouldn't be caught dead scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees with bleach. I'm going to file this under the "will I be a good mother???" "will my child love me?" anxiety.
[btw, sometimes I feel like tv is channeling into my brain; in addition to Mommy Dearest, did anyone catch the episode of House a couple weeks ago where the single woman Doc (name?) was trying to adopt a child and the child died? I thought the actress did a good job showing the hesitation of dealing with the biological mother--not wanting to seem too controlling but also hugely vulnerable to the bio mom's decisions. Ug. Part of me was happy this story line found its way onto network tv but the other part of me was hugely distressed while watching it.]
I think I feel better now. Thanks for listening.