Well the preliminary (99% accurate) results from the CVS are in, and baby has the perfect 46 chromosomes, so no indication of Down's. Thank god! I had a pretty awful day yesterday waiting for the phone call. The test itself was uneventful--other than the fact that it felt like I was being lanced with a spear, but not as painful. It felt wrong, just wrong. But the doctor was great and I'm so thankful to have the answer I was hoping for.
I am having A BOY!!
I had a feeling all along that it would be a boy! Here I'm going to admit something and hopefully never dwell on it again. Yes, deep down I was hoping for a girl. One of the things that drove me to this pregnancy was the desire to re-create the wonderful, loving relationship that I have with my mother. Obviously, having a girl is something familiar, and therefore not quite as scary to me.
Thus hearing the final news (even though I had mother's intuition) that baby is, indeed, a little XY has hit me harder than I expected. I know that this is not how I am supposed to feel! I love him dearly (he was bopping around like a jelly bean on the ultrasound---soooo adorable). But what has surfaced again is a bit more fear than I expected. Can I be a good single mom to a boy? Will it be harder for him to not have a dad than it would be for a girl, and will I know how to shepherd him through those hard times? Will we have the same kind of connection that I've been craving between a mother and a daughter? Does anyone have any answers?? :)
I just need to process this. I haven't had a "him" in my life (besides my cat!) for quite some time! Will I be able to find role models for him? Will he learn how to be a man in our society without a constant male figure around?
And now I also think: will I never have a daughter? I always hoped that I would have a daughter in my life, yet at this point, and under the current circumstances, I don't think I will. There is something to mourn there for me. I feel quite sad, actually.
Somehow it feels wrong for me to admit some of these things, but I feel I need to get them out before I can move on with the beautiful life that is growing inside me.