Saturday, August 29, 2009

RESULTS are in

Well the preliminary (99% accurate) results from the CVS are in, and baby has the perfect 46 chromosomes, so no indication of Down's. Thank god! I had a pretty awful day yesterday waiting for the phone call. The test itself was uneventful--other than the fact that it felt like I was being lanced with a spear, but not as painful. It felt wrong, just wrong. But the doctor was great and I'm so thankful to have the answer I was hoping for.

And....

I am having A BOY!!

I had a feeling all along that it would be a boy! Here I'm going to admit something and hopefully never dwell on it again. Yes, deep down I was hoping for a girl. One of the things that drove me to this pregnancy was the desire to re-create the wonderful, loving relationship that I have with my mother. Obviously, having a girl is something familiar, and therefore not quite as scary to me.

Thus hearing the final news (even though I had mother's intuition) that baby is, indeed, a little XY has hit me harder than I expected. I know that this is not how I am supposed to feel! I love him dearly (he was bopping around like a jelly bean on the ultrasound---soooo adorable). But what has surfaced again is a bit more fear than I expected. Can I be a good single mom to a boy? Will it be harder for him to not have a dad than it would be for a girl, and will I know how to shepherd him through those hard times? Will we have the same kind of connection that I've been craving between a mother and a daughter? Does anyone have any answers?? :)

I just need to process this. I haven't had a "him" in my life (besides my cat!) for quite some time! Will I be able to find role models for him? Will he learn how to be a man in our society without a constant male figure around?

And now I also think: will I never have a daughter? I always hoped that I would have a daughter in my life, yet at this point, and under the current circumstances, I don't think I will. There is something to mourn there for me. I feel quite sad, actually.

Somehow it feels wrong for me to admit some of these things, but I feel I need to get them out before I can move on with the beautiful life that is growing inside me.

7 comments:

meandbaby said...

How exciting!!! Congratulations! A boy!! Once he's born, you won't give it another thought that He was meant to be. :)

Tanya said...

I had a moment of disappointment when they told me I had a boy... more of a "but I REALLY wanted a girl" moment. He's now two and I wouldn't trade my boy for all the girls in the world. Now that I'm trying for #2... well now I'd love to have another boy.

I think it's totally normal to have a preferrence but that most people just won't admit they did.

Heather said...

Congratulations on having a BOY! My friends who are parents of both boys and girls are very adamant that boys are so much "easier". But I'm in the same place that you were/are...I'm hoping for a girl because boys are that much more mysterious to me. I don't "get" boys. So it'll be just my luck that I'll have a boy, too! Now I wish I could have CVS done just so I can find out the gender--obviously not the right reason, LOL! I have several more weeks to wait. My cousin has two amazing boys whom I just adore...you're in for SO much fun!

Calliope said...

woooo!! congrats!!
& the feelings that are bubbling up?? totally similar to what I felt earlier. I was so glad to know as soon as I did that W had boy bits because I was able to start visualizing my life with a son.
so glad everything is looking good in there!!!

cmay said...

OMGosh. You are SO me...6 plus years ago. I felt the SAME things you describe. I felt I was being totally middle of the road before I found out I was having a boy, but it took a good day or two of shock and, yes, greiving before I began to accept having a boy. And, even the first few months too. In fact, after he was born I was continually surprised that those testicles et al didn't fall off yet! I still wish I had a girl, especially when I walk through the kids clothing departments, but I SO love my boy. You will have a special bond with your son. And you will also find great male role models along the way for your son to watch, bond and model after. It will all turn out. Don't feel guilty for your girl wishes. It's an absolute natural response--I don't know many women who DON'T feel these same feelings. Including remorse over the pregnancy itself, even when you tried on PURPOSE to get pregnant.
And CONGRATULATIONS on your boy!!!

Dora said...

Congrats on your boy! I think I might be unusual as an SMC in that I was kind of hoping for a boy. I know most of it is because of my difficult relationship with my mother, so it's reassuring to read about other women who have close relationships with their moms.

As far as raising a boy without a father, well first of all, just because we're single now, it doesn't necessarily mean we'll be single forever. And there is actually research that says men raised by single mom's do just fine. I think our president would agree. Here's an article about it.

Meg said...

I so get the wising for a girl. I know that I will be a little sad if mine turns out to be a boy. I also know that boys are wonderful and once you get used to the idea and he gets here you won't be able to imagine it any other way! I have two nephews that I wouldn't trade for all the frilly dresses in the world.

I say don't worry too much about male role models because it's much more important to have positive people role models!