97 years of wisdom

I just have to post this. I think this it is the sweetest note I have ever received.

My mom wanted to wait to tell my grandparents until after the CVS (yes--I still have TWO living grandparents--my mother's parents--ages 97 and 95). They live clear across the country and I do not see them nearly enough. My mom decided to email them the news, because they have trouble understanding things on the phone sometimes. This is the message I received this morning over email (written by my grandpa, I'm sure).

"I got yesterdays mail today and it had wonderful news. We have seen pictures of you with Andy's babies and realize your love. You will be an excellent mother and this will fill a void in your life. We are glad you made the decision and are looking forward to another grand child. We send our love. Grandma and Grandpa"

I can't tell you what this means to me. Having family support is THE most important thing (and actually feeling that support has been something I've come to really treasure on a daily basis). I never thought my 90+ grandparents would understand, and yet this email shows that they understand on the simplest, most basic level. And what else is there, really, but love? To have a 97 year-old person express that to me means everything.

RESULTS are in

Well the preliminary (99% accurate) results from the CVS are in, and baby has the perfect 46 chromosomes, so no indication of Down's. Thank god! I had a pretty awful day yesterday waiting for the phone call. The test itself was uneventful--other than the fact that it felt like I was being lanced with a spear, but not as painful. It felt wrong, just wrong. But the doctor was great and I'm so thankful to have the answer I was hoping for.

And....

I am having A BOY!!

I had a feeling all along that it would be a boy! Here I'm going to admit something and hopefully never dwell on it again. Yes, deep down I was hoping for a girl. One of the things that drove me to this pregnancy was the desire to re-create the wonderful, loving relationship that I have with my mother. Obviously, having a girl is something familiar, and therefore not quite as scary to me.

Thus hearing the final news (even though I had mother's intuition) that baby is, indeed, a little XY has hit me harder than I expected. I know that this is not how I am supposed to feel! I love him dearly (he was bopping around like a jelly bean on the ultrasound---soooo adorable). But what has surfaced again is a bit more fear than I expected. Can I be a good single mom to a boy? Will it be harder for him to not have a dad than it would be for a girl, and will I know how to shepherd him through those hard times? Will we have the same kind of connection that I've been craving between a mother and a daughter? Does anyone have any answers?? :)

I just need to process this. I haven't had a "him" in my life (besides my cat!) for quite some time! Will I be able to find role models for him? Will he learn how to be a man in our society without a constant male figure around?

And now I also think: will I never have a daughter? I always hoped that I would have a daughter in my life, yet at this point, and under the current circumstances, I don't think I will. There is something to mourn there for me. I feel quite sad, actually.

Somehow it feels wrong for me to admit some of these things, but I feel I need to get them out before I can move on with the beautiful life that is growing inside me.

Feeling fantastic!

Ok, I'm still feeling very pregnant, but in a fabulous kind of way. Week 10 was a doozy: nausea, nausea, and absolute utter fatigue. But then last Tuesday, on the tail end of week 10, I woke up feeling kind of...normal. Well, as normal as one can feel when she's starting to burst a bit out of her pants. But I mean not as fatigued. And with food--normal again. For the last two months I've been absolutely ravenous for anything carb-ish. Pizza, bread...bread...bread, and gooey, cheesy things. I made myself drink vegetable juice but it was hard. This week...I actually began to crave vegetables again! Leafy salads! This is much more "normal" for me, as I've always been a healthy eater. My brain feels a bit more clear and I have more energy. Second trimester is just around the corner, so hopefully this is really the 'golden age' of pregnancy that all the books tell you about.

I had my first doctor's visit--everything is great. Next week is the CVS. We couldn't schedule it until week 11, but I decided to do it anyway. I want to have some definites (and yes, I'll also be finding out the sex!). Can't wait! Not one for surprises. I figure I'll have enough surprises in the next few years so waiting to know the sex doesn't have to be one of them.

Emotionally, I also feel very good, except for a couple of teary days last week after I told my brothers. It was weird: telling them was harder than I thought it would be. Even though they were both happy for me and supportive (if extremely surprised!), I think I had put a lot of pressure on myself about how they would feel and react. Clearly, this has something to do with my place in the family (I'm the youngest and the only girl). But once I processed that whole thing I am back to feeling very emotionally GOOD. Dare I say even happier, or more content, than before the pregnancy? I used to have frequent, waking moments in the middle of the night, wondering if I would ever have the things I want in my life. I don't have those anymore. Frankly, it's nice to not be worrying about finding a partner at the moment, too! It's like I have permission to put that aside for awhile and thankfully so. I am still committed to finding a partner in my life, but the pressure is SO off now! In some ways, I feel as if it will be easier and more natural for me post-baby (or rather, in a couple years, when I'm ready to date).

The next big reveal is work. I have a big work milestone in September (the culmination of a 2 year project) for which I am the public face--lots of public lectures, even some press interviews...all that. Not sure if I should reveal before the big event, or after? Is it better to wait as long as possible? I think I could actually hide the pregnancy for quite awhile, maybe until 4 months. But not sure why I should do that...what's the point? I guess I would like to avoid weird public outings, like my director introducing me for a lecture by saying, "and here's Jo, who's a pregnant single lady, to tell you more about such and such!" Ok, that sounds a bit irrational as I write it down.

Nurse Visit and Prenatal Testing

I had a great nurse visit---she was fantastic! She made me feel so comfortable, didn't blink an eye at my 'situation.' Said everything I need to hear. A real sweetheart. She made me feel comfortable with the OB practice as a whole.

I've decided to do the CVS testing. Both the nurse and the doctor said many reassuring things about the benefits vs the risks. There is one doctor who does it at the hospital and they say his success rate (by which I mean procedures accomplished without miscarriage), is way way higher than the national average. He basically does CVS and amnio all day long. We do have really good health care in this state, because of a great university hospital. Yay for that. So that will all be happening some time during my 10th or 11th week, about 2 weeks from now. I feel good about it.

I told a friend about my pregnancy, someone who recently had twins. She was SO happy for me--it felt great. Then she said: "one of my best friends did that, and it's the thing that's made her happiest in her life." Oh. my. goodness. What a lovely thing to say.

Off to a camping trip this weekend (rain rain stay away).