Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cheating

I've been cheating on this blog a bit with another blog. I started a blog to update my family on the daily mundane developments of O. I didn't want my family to have access to THIS blog, because it's kinda personal. And I talk about them a lot. But in the meantime I've been spending more time posting to that blog. It's really mostly a picture blog and a daily diary.

But here I am. Things are awesome! Owen is 12 weeks old today! He is such a chub, and such a delight. We have daily conversations in his native baby tongue about all kinds of subjects. I still have another month and a half until I go back to work, but it feels like it's winding down. I just want to hang on to every day and moment with my BABY. I still can't believe sometimes that I HAVE A BABY.

The interesting news is that the donor daddy paid a visit and it went really well. He is a very sweet man and I hope he will be a gentle presence in O's life. In what capacity, exactly, still remains to be seen. We talk a lot about that, and I talk with friends and my therapist about it, but it just doesn't seem to be the kind of thing you can DECIDE in a black and white way..more of a journey. My main concern is and will always be O's well being. I don't want donor daddy to be in his life one minute and then disappear the next. My main focus is that if he DOES want to see O (which he says he does), he'll have to prove some level of commitment to that over a period of several years before I even begin to think about revealing to O that he is biologically related. Does that make sense? Maybe I should never reveal it! I don't know. But the reason I went for the known donor equation was so the my child would be able to know his bio dad some day, in some way. The question I suppose is whether I reveal it or I wait for O to want to know himself.

I am realizing that I need to have a "narrative" pretty darn quick, that is, a sentence or two that addresses the daddy question that I am comfortable with. It's not so much that O will be asking soon, but that other children in his life--for instance, his 4 year old cousin--may begin asking. Anything we tell them now will undoubtedly get back to O when he is older. The missing link is just how to describe the known donor's relationship to O (like, whether he isn't like other dads but he cares about your Mommy and you very much), etc.

Finally, I've been pondering revealing his identity to my family. My family knows him, by the way. So I think the reason I feel the yearning to share his identity is so that my family can know O even more fully by knowing more about his other "half." It's one of those things about sharing O's life with other people I love, wanting them to know him in the same way that I do. At the same time, no one in my family has expressed a need to know who the donor is, so I worry about changing the dynamic. Things are going so well!!

Ok, well, difficult topic, difficult questions.

11 comments:

Barb said...

This is very interesting to me. I didn't go the known donor route (and I had my own reasons-it's an individual thing) but I'm sure we grapple with a lot of the same concerns. I know what you mean about not needing to figure it out for O yet but other kids in his circle. Thankfully the most I've ever had to say to the curious kids at the daycare are "Sam doesn't have a daddy," but I'm sure it will become more complex as those kids get older. Like you said, it is a journey and it's fluid and as a mother you make the best decision you can at the time. You sound like you've got it all together and you'll do the right thing. In some ways I have it easier because of the anonymous donor, but in other ways, I'm sure, it will be harder.

BTW - love the other blog. CUTE, CUTE, CUTE! And I have to say Finn is adorable too. Isn't being a mommy the greatest thing you've ever done and don't you sometimes wonder why you waited so long for such joy? :)

Heather said...

I had no idea you had another blog! It's awesome! That O is such a looker! :)

Genkicat said...

Love the update!

Laraf123 said...

When my son was still an infant, I found that it was important to have a one or two sentence narrative ready for when other kids ask. (Adults usually wait for me to offer info) It's also important for your daycare provider to have a your same response ready in case your child or his peers ask the daddy question while you are at work. Nothing fancy or long, just a few words that will suffice until you get home.

MommieV said...

I am really struggling with this too. Early on, my mom didn't know what to tell family, so she told them I was artifically inseminated. I later told them we have a "known donor" (we did it the old fashioned way, but I don't tell that alot) but they don't know what that means. So at some point soon I have to set my family straight, or my wee one will start to hear conflicting stories on her origins.

I already answered a child's question with "every family is different, our family is a mommy and a Nan and a Grandpa, your family is a mommy and a daddy, other families even have two mommies or two daddies. Families are just different that way." and that seemed to work. But I'm going to have to come up with something I'm comfortable with.

rachelbk said...

I'm so happy to know that O is doing well!
The known donor questions are tough. I have no advice except to do what feels right for you.

Tanya said...

For me it was important to start telling my son from the beginning the story of how he came to be. The first couple of times I found myself stumbling over what to say to him (and it probably didn't help that he was only a couple of days old and I was hormonal).

By 2 1/2 he was obsessed with asking me about everybody's daddy... who's my daddy? So I started telling him the story more often. Now when he wakes up from his nap on the weekend he comes and crawls in my bed (hey, I'm 8 months pregnant I need my nap too) and promptly asks me to "tell me a baby story about me". I just thought I'd warn you because he started asking me about his father much sooner than I had expected.

Demeter said...

You seem to know what is right for you and your child, and you will find the answers. My kids bio dad visits them every weekend, he sees them a few hours, and I also wonder sometimes what I will say to them when they ask why he lives somewhere else, where they don't visit. My daughter has always been concerned about both, who the mommy is, and who the daddy is, of every animal, every character, everyone she sees. For me, it has been always work in progress, because the bio dad did not initially want anything to do with the kids, and now he does, so he is "daddy" to them, but a different kind of "daddy". In my case, I look at it like we are co-parenting. So like you, I want to make sure he is committed to the kids before I do anything about it. (BTW, my kids have my name only which he is not happy about). You will figure it out one step at a time. One thing is sure, no one will take away the pleasure of being a mom.

Meg said...

Your boy is a cutie! I love the idea of a second blog! I might steal your idea and start one too.

I haven't gotten any questions yet and I find that surprising since not everyone knows how my O got here. I'm working on the language I want to use by trying to tell O his story now and even though I know he hasn't a clue what I'm saying I find that I'm still stumbling over what words to use. Good thing I'm starting now and not when he asks and can understand me!

cmay said...

As for telling your family, I guess you'll know when and how to do that. But for kids that ask--all they need to know is "yes, O has a dad. He just doesn't live with us." I've said that to any of the kids that ask at T's school and it suffices. They are not really asking for more details than that, I've found.
T hasn't really been curious yet (he's 7 now). Other kids are more curious, weirdly.

unicornandi said...

Oh wow, please keep updating on the known donor relationship! I am considering going that route myself. I have a close friend that offered, but he is married with children of his own. And my family knows and loves him too, so, well, I just don't know what I would tell people. And the baby, and my family!