Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I am stuck at home today for yet another Northeast snowstorm...plus I have a cold. Yeah, I've been suffering for the past week with fatigue and now this cold. Right on target for the 3rd trimester. Luckily I have 4 days off in a row, and although I do have somewhere I could be tonight (NY's eve) if I wanted to, I'm inclined to just stay home. Is that really lame? I'm just tired...and it's snowing...and my nose and throat hurts....and I want someone to drive me if I go somewhere,...and blah blah blah.
I spent a very lovely Christmas with my whole family in Georgia. My parents have the perfect place for entertaining. Of course it was all about my 2 nephews. Lots of fun. Lots of exhaustion. Definitely one of those---holy shit this is exhausting---moments.
I can do this. Really. I can.
I just wish my family lived closer. I really do. We had good talks when we were together. My brother and sister and law (the ones with the 2 kids) have agreed to custodial guardianship in the event of my death. I did feel I needed to cover that issue with them given my singledom, and given the existence of a known donor who should not be held responsible for the child should I die. My other brother and his wife don't want children, so I didn't feel I could ask them (and they made it somewhat clear that they wouldn't be up for it). It's a bit ironic in my family that we have one couple with no apparent interest in kids and then me, the single sister, who does it on my own.
Thinking over the last year, one of the things that sticks with me is the total depression I felt after the holidays. It was awful. I'm so happy to say that I don't have the same feelings...of loneliness...of my life not going where I want it to go...of feeling like I have no control over my destiny...as I did last Christmas. There have been some hard times. I mean, the holidays are still better when there is someone else there (which next year will be my little guy). It always sucks no matter how many parties I get invited to and how pregnant I am to be arriving and leaving single. So I do still think about the desire to find "that" relationship. But the urgency is certainly gone. And thus the sadness and the depression seems to be gone, as well.
I can't believe I'm at 30 weeks! I popped out big-time in the last couple of weeks and now I am unmistakably preggers even to the most daft stranger. It did take awhile. My little guy is jumping around like crazy and measuring perfectly. I've hired my doula; there's a possibility I'll have 2 doulas at my birth, actually. I'm shooting for a natural birth, to labor at home as much as possible before going to the hospital. So far there's no reason why this wouldn't be possible, but it's best to remain open to whatever might happen. My OB, though not overjoyed, is generally supportive of my having a doula and giving birth naturally. I think OBs usually just nod and smile and probably think to themselves "yeah, right" when a woman says that. But I have a lot of confidence in my ability to manage pain (I have lots of experience in this area, given my endometriosis); I've been preparing with hypnobirthing CDs and lots of reading (and recommend Ina May's Guide to Childbirth) and CDs (check out "The Business of Being born"!). So we'll see. I'm kind of looking forward to it! Call me crazy.
The snow is letting up, which means...time to get to the grocery store! It's going to be a long couple days without any food in my fridge!