Monday, January 11, 2010

No Dad No How

So, my mom is coming for my labor and birth (if such things can really be planned) and she's been trying to figure out, logistically, what makes sense. She lives far away. The plan she's come up with does NOT sit well with me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Basically, she and my dad are going to get in the car and start driving up the eastern seaboard, stopping to see some sights and to see my brother, about a week-ish before my due date. They'll be within striking distance if I go into labor and can scoot on over.

What I DIDN'T sign up for is having my father here---in my home---while I'm in labor. No, no no. This is not part of the plan. My dad and I are not close; in fact, his presence stresses me out in big ways. He's kind of a baby (a big, adult baby)--needs lots of taking care of. Exactly the opposite of what I want when I'm about to give birth to a real, bonafide baby.

Therefore, if they arrive and I'm in the middle of laboring at home, this is NOT good. I've expressed this in the nicest way possible to my mom, but she insists that he will leave a.s.a.p (he is going to fly back to their home and leave mom here) but obviously "will have to stay at my place for at least one night." Um, what about a hotel? My place is somewhat small...not a lot of privacy. If I go into labor while my dad's in the house I have a horrible picture in my mind of me, resting between contractions, and my dad yelling from the other room, "Hey Jo! I can't get this remote to work!" and etc. Ok, that's going a bit far. I'm sure he'd be respectful-ish. But the whole idea is obviously stressing me out, which is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of how a lady should feel WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.

The timing is obviously out of my control, but I would really like, at the very least, for them to make the gesture of booking a hotel room for his arrival. If I'm not in labor, fine. Come on over. But if I am in labor, dad goes to hotel. It's a bit awkward and delicate, but jeesh, he must understand, right? You would think.

Be honest: am I being selfish? Am I crazy to not want my father hanging out in my living room while I'm in labor? If I'm not crazy, can someone please tell my mother and father that?

9 comments:

Sarah Fain said...

Here's the thing: don't worry about being selfish. As far as I'm concerned, it's totally okay to be selfish when you're in labor. It's a stressful enough process already, without parental weirdness. You have the right to create the labor experience you want, and only you know know what will be best for you and your baby.

Heather said...

I think Sarah has said it best, and *you* should be in the driver's seat here! Hold on--I'm e-mailing your mom and dad right now to tell 'em you're not crazy... ;D

DRMOMOFTWO said...

That's a tough one...No, you are absolutely not being selfish. But, if your mom insists on bringing your dad, maybe you can tell her that you would prefer they BOTH stay at a hotel since your place is so small? Then you can just call for your mom when the time comes. It's tough when family wants to help and you don't want their help! Let us know how it goes..

cmay said...

I feel your pain. That's a sticky situation. I have no idea on the nuances of this relationship so any advice I give might be totally off target. BUT...
I think it might be less sticky if you ask your parents to take a hotel room upon their arrival into your town, instead of singling out just your Dad. Less potential drama or discomfort in the aftermath of it all. Your reasons are that your place is small and with the uncertainty of your level of comfort with the end of pregnancy you'd feel less stressed to have to "entertain" company when you'd be so tired and "full of baby". You can tell your mom that you would NOT feel comfortable having a man around during the labor process--just doesn't feel right to you, etc. That way it's directed towards gender instead of being personal.
Maybe you and your dad are clearly NOT friendly and it would be obvious to him that you are excluding him on that basis, but if you don't say it outloud it might go over easier without anyone throwing any verbal barbs.

Jo said...

I really appreciate all of your input. It's hard when you need and want the support, but want it in a slightly different way than it's being offered! I think I'll take the general advice and ask that they stay in a hotel when they first arrive. To be continued! Thanks ladies!

meandbaby said...

I know I'm a little late, but I agree - tell them straight up. Good luck!

Demeter said...

I totally understand how you feel. When I was about to give birth I did not want the father of the children to be there. It felt like the most awkward moment for me. It is your moment. There are very few things you can own at that time and having the people you want or don't want there is the most important thing!

Genkicat said...

I agree!

You need to get them in a hotel at first. Especially since you plan to labour at home. It will only be awkward for a moment.

I told my Mom that I wanted her with me for the birth, but that I reserved the right to kick her out, and she had the right to run out of the room if she wanted. We are both fine with that.

At the end of the day all we both want is a baby in our arms. Good luck!

rachelbk said...

I didn't want any of my family anywhere near me when I gave birth to my son, because they were not supportive of my SMC status. Since I knew they wouldn't respect my wishes and stay away, I scheduled an induction, stole away quietly to the hospital when they thought I was at work, and called them when I was holding my baby.
Best of luck navigating this mess we call 'family!'