Saturday, May 30, 2009

Jo's Family

I'm meeting with a midwife next Tuesday. My plan is to use the midwife for live sperm IUI with my known donor.

Saying I'm ready to begin has not been without its fears (several late-night awakenings in somewhat of a panic). I think this must be quite natural. Yes? But every morning when the night terrors have subsided, I am finally able to think to myself that THIS IS the time. A realization, long labored and long time coming, washed over me after my trip to San Francisco. This is me having a family. My own family. I know that sounds kind of...rudimentary...duh...of course it is. But for some reason my "thinking" stage has involved a lot of feelings that what I am doing is about a lack (of husband), a loss (of relationships). I don't really feel like that any more. Or, at least, I think I'm finally over it. This is about my own, sweet, loving, happy little family, one that I am building, one that is as vital and meaningful and wonderful...and legitimate...as anyone else's family.

I hope that makes sense. And when I think about it that way, it is so...amazing. So exciting! It's about plenty rather than lack.

On the money front, I paid off ALL OF MY CREDIT CARDS yesterday. What better time to begin? (note to self: no more visits to TJM.a.xx.)

Happy weekend!!

5 comments:

meandbaby said...

If I wake up in the middle of the night, that is when my fears and doubts creep in. Really it is the only time. Not sure what it is about the middle of the night but I am glad I am a good sleeper and it doesn't happen too often!

I hope your meeting on Tuesday goes well. So excited you are starting! :)

Billy said...

Jo's family.. What a lovely sound :-).
Good for you for switiching your attitude from what you don't have, to (the more significant, at least in my eyes) what you do (will) have!

Jess said...

Yes, it makes perfect sense! What a nice way to think about it! And yes, the middle of the night is the hardest for me too...what is it about the middle of the night? I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

Dora said...

Totally makes sense. I think middle of the night fears are par for the course. I am ABSOLUTELY sure of my decision, and here I am, nearly at the end of my first trimester, but I am waking up in the middle of the night feeling agitated.

But I know one thing for sure, our families of two will be as complete as any other family. Probably more than some.

sarahwho said...

I have definitely woken in the middle of the night with anxieties - I so know what you're saying.