For one thing, I'm off the pill for the first time in many, many years. I've lost 4 lbs without even trying (and I'm eating everything! I made my famous "tamale pie" all for myself and have eaten if for every meal since Wednesday!); I have what I would call "increased sex drive;" and, I have the energy of the Energiz*r bunny. My friend Mary tells me that my testosterone, which is apparently suppressed on the pill, is baaaaack....it makes me wonder if I have been deadening all of the important hormonal impulses that would lead me to finding a partner for the last 5 years. But let's not go there...
I had a long talk with PKD and things are getting a bit complicated. I am sad to write this, but I'm not sure things are going to work out with this donor. Turns out there may be too many residual feelings between us. I don't think it's a problem for him, but I can just see myself, having a child and then yearning for a father for that child and then slowly, slowly, becoming resentful toward this man who didn't want to be with me as a partner, but sure didn't have any problem inseminating me. Do you know what I mean? And I ask that question to the universe and to cyberspace knowing that only I can answer it. I am going to visit him in a couple of weeks (he lives in Brooklyn) to have the big talk.
One of the complications that came up, very quickly I might add, is that PKD started to date someone and within a few dates told her all about "our" plans. He was distressed to learn that she was uncomfortable with it. He said that it made him think about his future dating life. OK, I can respect that (I have no choice but to respect it). But I can't help but reflect on our first conversation, when we talked about "forging a new kind of family relationship"...4 dates with a woman and it's all out the window?
I can't help but be a little pissed off of course (and here's where the dangerous residual emotional ties come in). But I have to remember that when I first asked him, he did say yes AWFULLY quickly. I was suspicious of that, and knew it was too good to be true. To his credit, he seems to have been thinking about things A LOT.
The next step? Go visit, have the big talk, try to figure out if the emotional ties are too treacherous. Then (and here I guess I am already moving on in my mind) start to look at anonymous sperm donation.
If I can spin this in a positive light, his initial willingness to be a donor allowed me to move forward, mentally, with the whole process. It became more real for me. I actually did things like research day-care, figure out my finances, talk to other parents, talk to friends, talk to family. So in this way, I feel more able to go ahead with things even with an anonymous donor.
There is ONE MORE man who I would love to ask to be a donor. This would be a much safer bet, since he is a gay man. Wonderful, smart, talented (a recognized artist), kind, perhaps the most interesting person I've ever met. Tall, with beautiful long fingers. I am fixated on his fingers. Anyway....I don't know if I can bring myself to ask him.