Just a quick update. Since going off the pill I've had a roller coaster month...the beginning was euphoric, and the last few days have been absolutely miserable. I am coping. I managed to go to NYC for my dear friend's opening at a gallery in Chelsea. It was such a wonderful evening--he was ecstatic--and I'm so glad I could make it.
I stayed with PKD while in NY, who is moving from the category of "potential known donor" to "probable known donor." The visit was ESSENTIAL and cleared up a lot of complications and worries (it's amazing how important one-on-one face time can be). Firstly, we did away with the possibility of a romance between us. Our romantic weekend this past summer was an experiment--perhaps a necessary one--but a bad one nonetheless, one that took both of us out of our comfort zones. I really do love him, but much more like a brother. He admitted the same fraternal (or sisterly?) feelings.
He also told me that his willingness to be my donor has nothing to do with his own aspirations to have children. In fact, he admitted that he HAS no aspirations to have a family of his own, or a wife. Part of me is sad for him, because I think that derives from a difficult childhood and a father who abandoned the family. But it's also just one more indicator that he and I could never be more than friends (since obviously, I want the family). The lightbulb went on in my head when I asked him, "Well, if we WERE by some chance to be together as a couple, would you want children?" His answer was no. I therefore cannot ever, ever regret the lack of a romantic relationship between us since obviously it would never work for me (or for that matter, him)!
He also wanted me to know that he just wants to HELP me, because he cares for me. He doesn't need to be known to the child until I deem it necessary. He will sign anything. It was all pretty amazing, and I find myself somewhat in awe of his generosity and not wanting to question it. However, I am definitely open to outside opinions on the matter!