2009---a good year---and natural child birth

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I am stuck at home today for yet another Northeast snowstorm...plus I have a cold. Yeah, I've been suffering for the past week with fatigue and now this cold. Right on target for the 3rd trimester. Luckily I have 4 days off in a row, and although I do have somewhere I could be tonight (NY's eve) if I wanted to, I'm inclined to just stay home. Is that really lame? I'm just tired...and it's snowing...and my nose and throat hurts....and I want someone to drive me if I go somewhere,...and blah blah blah.

I spent a very lovely Christmas with my whole family in Georgia. My parents have the perfect place for entertaining. Of course it was all about my 2 nephews. Lots of fun. Lots of exhaustion. Definitely one of those---holy shit this is exhausting---moments.

I can do this. Really. I can.

I just wish my family lived closer. I really do. We had good talks when we were together. My brother and sister and law (the ones with the 2 kids) have agreed to custodial guardianship in the event of my death. I did feel I needed to cover that issue with them given my singledom, and given the existence of a known donor who should not be held responsible for the child should I die. My other brother and his wife don't want children, so I didn't feel I could ask them (and they made it somewhat clear that they wouldn't be up for it). It's a bit ironic in my family that we have one couple with no apparent interest in kids and then me, the single sister, who does it on my own.

Thinking over the last year, one of the things that sticks with me is the total depression I felt after the holidays. It was awful. I'm so happy to say that I don't have the same feelings...of loneliness...of my life not going where I want it to go...of feeling like I have no control over my destiny...as I did last Christmas. There have been some hard times. I mean, the holidays are still better when there is someone else there (which next year will be my little guy). It always sucks no matter how many parties I get invited to and how pregnant I am to be arriving and leaving single. So I do still think about the desire to find "that" relationship. But the urgency is certainly gone. And thus the sadness and the depression seems to be gone, as well.

I can't believe I'm at 30 weeks! I popped out big-time in the last couple of weeks and now I am unmistakably preggers even to the most daft stranger. It did take awhile. My little guy is jumping around like crazy and measuring perfectly. I've hired my doula; there's a possibility I'll have 2 doulas at my birth, actually. I'm shooting for a natural birth, to labor at home as much as possible before going to the hospital. So far there's no reason why this wouldn't be possible, but it's best to remain open to whatever might happen. My OB, though not overjoyed, is generally supportive of my having a doula and giving birth naturally. I think OBs usually just nod and smile and probably think to themselves "yeah, right" when a woman says that. But I have a lot of confidence in my ability to manage pain (I have lots of experience in this area, given my endometriosis); I've been preparing with hypnobirthing CDs and lots of reading (and recommend Ina May's Guide to Childbirth) and CDs (check out "The Business of Being born"!). So we'll see. I'm kind of looking forward to it! Call me crazy.

The snow is letting up, which means...time to get to the grocery store! It's going to be a long couple days without any food in my fridge!

Babies babies everywhere

Now that the semester is winding down I've had some time to catch up with some friends who I haven't seen for awhile. I have 6 lunches scheduled in the next two weeks. Lots of fun. Some of them didn't even know I'm pregnant (I tell ya, my friends just DO NOT gossip. I'm at the point where it's like---just tell everyone you know--please!). As the word continues to spread, I am so touched by continuing acts of kindness. And surprises. A senior colleague called me out of the blue the other day to tell me that her daughter is becoming an SMC! We are having lunch next week. How sweet that she reached out to me.

Then this weekend. Within 24 hours, I learned about 4 other pregnancies among my friends and acquaintances in town! This means that little Fitzwilliam will have lots of playmates! The most exciting thing is that 2 of the 4 announcements are close friends. This is truly astounding and amazing, because both are complete surprises. The first is a dear friend who had twins 2-1/2 years ago after several IVF cycles. So you can imagine their surprise when she discovered she was pregnant this time, with no interventions! I think my friend is feeling a bit scared, what with a set of 2-1/2 year old twins, but at the same time over the moon.

The other friend is even more of a surprise. She is unmarried, but in a relationship. The pregnancy is totally unplanned. I am a little bit concerned for her, just emotionally, because she just recently finalized a divorce, has been seeing this guy for only about 7 months (but it is a very loving relationship as far as I can tell). They also haven't announced their relationship to the world because of her recent divorce AND because they work together. So when she said she was feeling a bit overwhelmed, I could definitely understand! Coming to terms with being pregnant is hard enough without all the added stress!

Both are very early on so for now mum's the word and fingers crossed. Of course I am just so happy at the thought that such close friends will be experiencing motherhood right along with me.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year, and it's been YEARS since I've felt this way. I'm just so glad that I've moved forward with the things that I want in my life. For once I feel comfortable with where I am, optimistic, and upbeat.

Fitzw is great. He is SO active (like every time they look for his heartbeat at the dr, they comment about how much he is moving around). I asked my doctor if his activity indicates he will be a very active baby. She said, "yes, likely." Yikes!