Basically, normal life for me is no longer normal life. That is, the life of a carefree single gal is somewhat over. And I don't say that in a nostalgic way. I've been wanting that stage of my life to be over for quite. some. time. But it's still kinda weird to be in a transitional stage.
Take going out on the town. I haven't done it much since getting pregnant, partially because of the extreme fatigue of the 1st trimester, followed by the extreme work commitment of the first month of my 2nd trimester. Well things are somewhat back to normal now, and I've had a few social engagements just like the old ones...which include such things as sitting in loud bars full of drinking folks, standing around at gallery openings, and dinners. I've found that I feel a strange kind of outsider-ness, but it's different from the outsider-ness of being the 38 year old single gal. Its more that my interior life has changed, and the casual 'catch-ups' with friends ("how are you feeling?" etc) don't really seem to do the trick. I need talking, lots and lots more talking about MY PREGNANCY, MY BABY. But who wants to listen to that all night at a bar? I have so much to think about and no way to really share it in a way that feels adequate to me. My therapist is helping; my "first time moms" group, which started last week, might help. This is the first time I've ever said this, or really ever thought it, but I can see why it would be comforting to have a partner-in-crime during this time, since there isn't anyone else who would be experiencing the journey quite as much as that person.
Yea. I've been feeling a bit lonely this week. Social engagements actually make it worse.
On the other hand, how could I feel lonely when I FELT FITZWILLIAM KICKING for the first time this week!? I thought I felt a flicker last week. But then on Wednesday I laid down in bed and I decided I really needed to pay attention (a lot of people say it feels like gas...which means I definitely could've had kicking for awhile now but not known what I was feeling. heh.). Oh. my. goodness. He was there. He was SO there. Punch. Punch. Boom. Hit the bladder (oh!). Then he moved kind of to the center of my tummy and I just felt this big, hard bump there. Hello my sweet little boy! Mommy loves you!! Oh, my god. How goddamn amazing.
5 comments:
Jo, I TOTALLY relate to this post. I remember feeling these things too--wishing there were someone else there who cared about and loved this baby as much as I did. Then a little KICK would come and I would remember I'm not alone! All I can say is that it does get easier in many ways. Once the baby is born, there is little time to be lonely! Is there an SMC group near you? I really felt very supported by other women doing the same thing.
Very cool about the kicks!!! More to come, for sure!!
Excellent that Fitzwilliam is kicking! And I know what you mean - its hard not to talk about your pregnancy, especially when that really is the ONLY thing that matters. I try hard to have conversations about other things - but its not easy... The blog helps, you can be completely self indulgent.
I felt exactly the same way when I was pregnant both times, but believe me, this time of your life is so precious, that even if you had a significant other in your life would not imagine just how magical it is.
Wow, Fitzwilliam does the jig, or mambo, or maybe some sort of MC Hammer move! The way you described it, I almost felt it was happening to me! I never really got to feel much during my pregnancy--anterior placenta was blamed, but who really knows why.
I hope you find what you need in your mom's group.
Wait until Fitzwilliam starts playing football in there! It is SO cool! I know someone who was resting a magazine on her stomach while reading it and her baby kicked so hard, the magazine flew out of her hands!
I, too, understand the loneliness. No one really understand exactly what you are going through. Yet, it is SO amazing that you want to share it with everyone. We're here for you!
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