Saturday, July 25, 2009

More joy

Don't know why, but the call of the blog has left me somewhat. I think I still feel somewhat at a loss for words (which I rectify below)! And it's too early to start blogging about baby gear (although I break my own rule, below). Viability still not certain (ultrasound Monday!). And I'm still dealing with some very complex emotions.

Today I feel wonderful (emotionally). Excited and joyful. I even, I admit, began to troll the IKEA children's website. Am pondering the thought of a bassinet. Wow!!

This is quite a change from Wednesday, when I felt totally freaked out. So, you see, it changes daily!

Physically, I've been really ok. Very little nausea. Monster appetite! In bed by 9 pm. Seriously. Yesterday I felt like muck at work (mostly just fatigue). But really doing well.

I've begun seeing a therapist, a specialist on maternal mental health. For one thing, I think it's important, with the lack of a partner, to have someone following my emotions throughout this journey. The "talky talk" is already helping...there are many issues (you name it--how often will donor daddy see the child? how will I tell my boss? will I ever date again? will it be possible, some day, to just feel normal? a normal member of society?)

That last one is an interesting one. I think the answer is YES. And the baby will help that. This year is going to be the tough one---the questions, while prego and while the baby is still in diapers. After that, no one blinks an eye about a single mom, do they? One of the things that's become so clear is that this NEW CHAPTER (and that's an understatement) in my life will be such an amazing learning experience. And I've always been extremely bored when I'm not learning new things. Granted, it's a different type o' learning than my PhD...but this type of learning I can only imagine will give me a whole new perspective on the world, on my life. It's something I welcome with open arms. Heaven knows, it's what I've been yearning for.

I also imagine that, when I finally get out of the house, baby will open a whole new world socially for me. The world of my peers. I know that I will find many cohorts among the moms and dads of young children out there who I never meet. So I'm starting to see this as an opportunity to expand my life in so many numerous ways.

See, I'm getting there! The shock of first-time-success is starting to slowly wear off. (Don't think I'll ever quite get over that surprise though!) Baby will be hearing that story. ("Baby, you REALLY were sick of waiting around!")

So, testing. I'm going to ask for the CVS (early) test for chromosonal abnormalities. I hope they let me do that. Not sure how it all works. Will learn more on Monday! My dear friend Maya is going with me to the appointment.

1 comment:

Calliope said...

you sound SO good, sweetie!
& love that you are getting some talky-talk.

Will be thinking of you Monday- you better update as soon as you can!
xo