Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Feeling.....anxious? Why anxious?

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. Your enthusiasm means a lot!

My shock and surprise at such early success (the credit for which must go to my donor's supernova sperm!) has undoubtedly led to the litany of feelings I've been experiencing. I still can't believe it. It feels strange to admit, but not all of my feelings are completely deliriously happy ones. I've had A LOT of anxiety. Gut wrenching anxiety. I really think and hope that this is normal. I'm a realist, at heart, and I know that what I am doing is going to be hard, very hard, and change my life forever. It's something I've been wanting (obviously!), but I still can't seem to stem the anxiety! The problem is that I'm a bit of an over-planner, so I find myself trying to visualize exactly what my life will be like, when I can't, really. What I should be visualizing is what it will feel like to look into my baby's eyes for the first time. Tell that to my overactive mind.

(My mother told me that parenthood is all about anxiety---get used to it).

I have nine months to process all of it. And believe me, in my case, it seems like nine months is a very necessary transitional period. It still doesn't feel quite real.

Yep, I have morning sickness and lots and lots of symptoms. None are overwhelming---I seem to be able to overcome the nausea by about noon every day (breakfast just AIN'T an enjoyable experience). It returns again just a little bit in the evenings. And tonight I'm super tired. Lower back pain; sore boobs. All the standards. It's quite a trip to not know what your body might do the next day!

My OB office is pretty hands off so far (and I've had very little contact so far, since I went the home-remedy route)! No betas even. My first appointment is an ultrasound July 27 (week 7) for "dating and viability." Until then I'm stocking up on books and trying to eat right and talking a lot to close friends who are in on the secret.

Really, I'm so excited, when I let myself not worry! I spent the weekend at my parents' (two very traditional people who took the news admirably well) and I came back with two adorable stuffed animals that my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl. Winnie the Pooh, and Eeyore. They're now in my second bedroom, holding a place, waiting to be squeezed and hugged by little arms.


Calliope said...

July 27th?????? ahhhhhh!!!

Continuing to be so excited for you!

Meg said...

Gut wrenching anxiety? Yup, completely normal!

It's not feeling all that real for me yet either. We'll have to remember 7ish months from now that we were glad it would take 9 months.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that from what my married friends tell me, anxiety is completely normal. Even for the marrieds.

So being single must amplify it ... but I bet it's still normal!


cmay said...

I'm so excited for you.
Congratulations and welcome to my world. It's a decision you will never regret. Adventures...coming your way!

Jess said...

It is a HUGE thing!! Motherhood!!! Of course you are anxious! I could have written that post (though not as eloquently!) during the early part of my pregnancy. Thinking of you as you move through these transitions.