Taking the Reins

I've continued to see the guy I'll call John, previously known as third-time-around guy. We see each other about once or twice a month, so it isn't what I'd call hot and heavy. Not a lot of petting, nor sex. So in my opinion, we're just very very casually dating. Nothing else. Think of him as an occasional dinner partner, with flirting.

Of course recently, as might be expected, I decided this was just silly. What the heck could be the point of this, if it isn't building toward something, or becoming more intimate? And so I started to let go entirely. For the third time.

Then a friend told me about another guy who I had dated briefly, a guy who I had been CONVINCED was not looking for anything serious, who was definitely just wanting to date around (according to me), and especially wasn't interested in women his own age (like me), but much younger women....WELL, this guy is getting married. And to a woman his own age. So apparently, I totally wrote that guy off and yea, totally misread the situation. It had nothing to do with the guy's readiness. I didn't even give it a chance. Not that we should or would have ended up together. But it definitely shocked me, and got me to thinking my perceptions may be a little bit off? Perhaps?

So the natural extension of these thoughts was too think...What if I let John go (for the third time), a man who clearly does like me? And what happens when I hear in about a year's time that HE'S getting married? How would I feel?? Definitely. extremely. crappy.

So, yea, I'm starting to think it's good ole' Jo, (that's me), who's the problem here. Why can't I achieve any intimacy with this person, or with ANY man, really, for the last 5 years? Am I still so damaged from my last relationship that I've just turned off, completely?

I'm trying to explore this with John (not that I've shared all of the above with him). I do care about him. But it's hard, so far. He is NOT a talker. Not sure where it's leading. For now, we're going to try to see each other more consistently to at least establish whether or not intimacy is even possible. He is interested in this. In fact, he seems to just be waiting for me to swoop in and take the reins. I'm just not sure if I have it in me to take the reins anymore. But isn't this what I want? A relationship?

I think I need therapy. Sigh.

And, no, this and ttc definitely do not mix. Trying to figure out how/if to talk about it.