One More Reason to Start Soon

I recently applied for a job in California. I lived in California for 11 years before moving to the East Coast for a job. I *really* miss California; I have many close friends there; in many ways I feel like it is my true home, even though I grew up in the Midwest. I also have real issues with the state I live in now, (read: insurance laws, insemination laws, corrupt government, you name it!) and would love to live somewhere more progressive. And prettier.

But it's been such a quandry, because the job and move, if I got it (and I think I am a good contender) would cut right into the whole "schedule." It was crazy for me not to apply, because I want to end up in CA, and I work in such a ridiculously specialized field that this is one of TWO jobs in the Bay Area that I would ever take.

Not to mention selling my condo right now would be a niiiightmare.

Plus, I checked, and the institution doesn't give maternity benefits until a year of employment. That would be a major problem if I arrived pregnant. (But they also provide up to 1/2 funding for an adoption--pretty amazing!) I've found that good policies for gay couples usually = good policies for SMCs, as well.

I know, I'm putting the cart way before the horse but if I am anything, it's a planner. It's a compulsion of mine that I consider absolutely every eventuality of a situation.

So I think this has been quietly weighing on my decision of when to begin. Well,...they contacted me today to say that they had to suspend the search due to budget cuts. They told me that I am definitely in contention but that it may be a year or two before they re-open. This is GOOD news! [read: financial crisis over (?); baby in hand (knock on wood)].

What this means is, no more dawdling for heaven's sake! Get going with the pregnancy, I say to myself! (And to my cat. He agrees).

I'm looking at Feb. for my first cycle. I am brimming with expectation!

They Might be ... Adorable

After reading MeAndBaby's The Reason we do This, I couldn't resist posting this adorable video of my 3 year old nephew singing to a They Might Be Giants song. He actually says "aforementioned" (with a smile). You gotta love how he rocks out and sways. At the end he says something about his "banjo." Oh. Oh. OH. Precious!



I can't wait to see him at Christmas.

Se.gue of My Discontent

I don't understand. Men. The 3rd time around guy...oy vay.

Poor man. He's 43, SO NOT a boy (although he really truly does want to be a boy I think); he seemed to like me (or at least did when he asked me out for the 3rd go-around). But he can't seem to do anything that an actual relationship would require. Like talking. Like actually seeing each other. Like sharing any little bit of himself. Like having any enthusiasm whatsoever. This has been the most joyless 3 weeks of dating I've ever had. And let me add, we've only seen eachother 3 times in 3 weeks.

I ask, is it worth wasting my time for another minute? The answer, ladies, is no. I just want to know why. Why did he contact me to go out again? Why?

Such a distraction. I was reading this from My DIY Baby and realized how much this little se.gue fits into the typical story (how funny)! I guess I'm in the panic-don't-really-wanna-to-do-this-alone stage that is somewhat inevitable. Making bad choices about trying YET AGAIN with a completely uninteresting and unworthy man is definitely a part of the process.

So I'm getting back to business. I've been tracking my cycles since going off the pill in September and everything seems to be pretty good! Horrible, horrible cramps, as usual, but I finally found some medication that works for that after several tries.

BTW, anyone read this article in the NYT about adolescent girls with horrible cramps? The quote I love best from one of the doctors is "The pain is real." Wha? Like hysterical women have been faking the pain for all these centuries? (I think the doctor needed to convince himself--and thank goodness there is now scientific proof!) I also love the statistic: "20-90% of female adolescents have severe menstrual cramping." Uh, that's a really big window. Can we flesh that out a bit more? The thing I've always felt about women's health is there are SO MANY unanswered questions that seem to get very little attention by the medical establishment. Vi.ag.ra? C.ia.lis? Sure--men can have ere.cti.ons any time they want with a daily pill, but a teenager with bad cramps has trouble having a doctor take her seriously. Oish.

I don't have anything against the medical establishment, really: I just think there needs to be more research focused on women's health issues that many of us live with--chronically, daily--and just endure. I love that it was a big frigging "news flash" in the NYT that girls have cramps! And they're real! It's just a symptom of how behind we are on women's health: can you imagine an article "Men have e.r.ectile dysfunction: really!" in this day and age?

(Yes, I'm being dramatic--it's actually a good article, and the more coverage the better. But still. The whole topic just gets my ire up).

I guess I'm on a rant today. And, clearly, PMS-ing!

mouse/house

Update: my cat caught the mouse! I am filled with pride at the awesome powers of Charlie the cat, and yet horrified at the presence of said mouse. Are there more?

He wasn't dead. I put him in a bag, carried him downstairs, and dumped him in the back yard. Was that stupid? Will he be dumb enough to return?

Poor little guy.

3TA

I'm going on a third date with third-time-around guy. We'll call him 3ta. This is they guy who I dated twice for short periods of time over the past year and a half or so. So I guess it's really not our 3rd date; it's 3 of 3. I need a mathematician (or statistician?) to help me figure it out.

We have chemistry, and it hasn't gone away. I think I'm learning that the uncomfortable silences and long periods with no communication that drove me away before were not lack of interest, but probably, 1) extreme loner-ness, (verging on the antisocial) on his part, 2) uptightness. Yea, this cute guy, covered with tattoos, a designer, into snowboarding, you'd think he'd be Mr. Carefree. Ah, no. Can't relax. I feel like he's just not very comfortable with himself; always trying to play the cool dude. But all this is tempered with indications that he's a really sweet guy. Who I happen to find quite attractive.

My past is littered with relationships with EXTREMELY emotive men. The type who cry. And throw fits. And talk... extensively... about their feelings. I know, it's a rare animal, but somehow I found those guys. Well...news flash...none of those relationships worked out. The last attempt in particular was with such the Mr. Emotional that we spent the large part of the relationship responding to his needs. At first it seemed exciting; but after a few years, I think we forgot about me a little bit. I love emotions, don't get me wrong. But it's about finding matching emotional needs. Maybe I've been looking for the wrong type for me.

Not that being with an uptight, closed type of guy is the remedy (if only it were that simple)! But maybe I should stick it out a little bit longer and see if he can loosen up a bit.

And he has a really cute butt. We went bowling. Ample time for watching the butt in complete innocence. Oh, dear. That means he was watching my butt, too.

And....drum roll for the most original insight of the day.... it never gets any easier, does it?

On another note, I think there's a mouse in my house. My kitty is absolutely obsessed with the goings-on underneath my oven. Eek!

Anna Maria

This is an engraved self-portrait by a Dutch woman from 1633. Her name was Anna Maria van Schurman. Very few women were artists in the 17th century, so it's unique. Not only was she a rare female artist, but she engraved a self-portrait, something that would have been printed in multiple and seen by many. She was an intellectual; she argued for the advancement of the education of women.

What I love about this portrait of a remarkable woman is how forthright it is about who she is, or who she wants to be in the eyes of the world. It's so confident. And it just speaks to me in such a timeless way.

I think a lot about the ladies who came before me and I have a special regard for those like Anna Maria who became who they wanted to be against great odds. Of course she must have felt hesitant sometimes, but she kept her eye on the larger prize of self fulfillment. She must have felt irreversibly driven toward being as true to herself as possible.

I want to say thank you to my very thoughtful readers: it's amazing to be listened to, and to have complete strangers offer advice (really useful and poignant advice) as if I am a close friend. Here's to the Anna Maria in all of us!