The Straight Man in my Life

I am not used to hanging out with straight men.

Seriously, this is true. I work in a job in the arts, where out of 60 employees in my institution, there are only a handful of men. Even the director is a woman. Most of our meetings consist of all women; the 2 male colleagues of mine with whom I work with frequently are gay. I have developed most of my close friends through work, and guess what: they're all females, or gay.

This is a very rarefied world. What's fantastic about it, is that at work, there are NO sexual politics. Zero. In fact, being a mostly-female institution makes it feel incredibly sane and supportive. The other thing that is conspicuously lacking at work is...practical joking. I didn't even know this existed at other work places until I dated a guy about a year ago who was telling me constantly about the funny things his colleagues did to one another's cubicles. I kept asking him what he meant: grown men? Putting v*seline on someone's phone? You're kidding, right? He also told me that there was a long "runway" that everyone in the office had to walk down when they entered the office. Everyone could see it from their cubicles, so they would rate one another's outfits (male or female). Very "Mad Men" if you know what I mean.

Of course, sweeping generalization here, but practical joking is just so....male.

And, because most of my close friends are women or gay men, I am so used to exuding, emoting, and connecting when I have conversations. So much so that, when a conversation doesn't go that way I feel somehow disappointed.

And then there's all that traditional guy stuff: sports? yea, right. Computer geekdom? not so much. People who don't take pride (or spend hours and hours thinking about) decorating their home, or their wardrobe? Or gardening? Do they exist? One of my closest friends is actually....the only male member of the Northeastern African Violet Society. And a fiercely talented artist. And an avid Jane Austen fan. I love him.

So, you see what I mean.

Which is all an introduction to say that I had a wonderful 2nd date last night with the guy I will call James. Being an academic, he and I have tons to talk about. We easily navigated topics like politics, family, prejudice, growing older, being lazy, being vulnerable. It was pretty great. And yet I found myself saying, what's going on here? He's so unemotional!! Oh, and he brought up football. A shock to my delicately guarded sensibilities.

A real, straight man. How exciting.

Happy Days...and a Date

This is hard this week...for blogging. I am staying home from work to write an essay that will be published, and it's taking up all of my mental not to mention writing energy. So I am preoccupied. And tired. I've written 30 pages of the essay since Monday. On the other hand, during my downtime I've been reading a lot of blogs by some pretty amazing women. It's so encouraging to see SMBC actually in the midst of pregnancies ! Definitely a fantasy that I still can't imagine actually happening to me, yet.

And. I feel extremely, well, HAPPY this week. Maybe it's that I like being away from the office and setting my own schedule. Maybe I'm just happy, because I feel like, recently, I've been confronting things and taking action (finally). Heck, why analyze? I'll just go with it.

One bit of news is that I have a second date with the promising young man I mentioned a few posts ago. Well, he's not that young. He's my age. And a professor. And really sweet. We're going out on Friday. I need to give myself a pedicure and make sure I've done some laundry. Oh, yea. I better go throw a load in the washing machine---I need my black shirt! My wardrobe repertoire for dates consists of two outfits. I haven't been on a third date with anyone for a long time. Here's to hoping that I need to come up with a "third date outfit!"

Being Childless is My Fault, Right?

I read a blog post yesterday, and one that will remain anonymous, but it was another ALI blogger. I was really hurt by something she wrote. I wondered why I was taking it so personally when I read it. When I woke up this morning still thinking about it I thought: better get this off my chest.

She wrote that most people are under the misconception that going without children is a choice. She said that for her it isn't a choice. It's not as if, after all, she put off trying to conceive, got a Master's degree, went to Europe.

Guess what? I put off trying to conceive (or rather, my failed relationships put it off for me). I got a PhD. I went to Europe. The latter two things may very well have contributed to my failed relationships. But I still don't think this puts me in the category of "choosing" to go childless.

If there's one thing I've learned in the last 5 or so years, we can only plan our lives so much. We can want many things, but that doesn't mean we'll get them. Perhaps one of the points of being on this planet is trying to find happiness whether or not things go as planned.

This is a very supportive community and I know the last thing my fellow blogger would've ever wanted to do would be to shame another ALI blogger. I know that her post was about her own personal experience and had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Obviously, it just hit the "shame" button and also made me wonder if people who know nothing about me will think that my childless state is a choice that I should just live with.

Baby Names Or, Putting the Cart before the Horse

Today, I looked on the website parents.com where they have a great list of baby names.

Kind of like picking out a wedding cake before the second date. Or while you're still completely single.

But I do these things to myself. Yes, I do.

Apparently, the two categories of names that appeal to me most are "Classic Cool," and "Vintage-y." I like names for girls like Elinor (from Jane Austen!), Violet (just sweet), and Nora (vintage, cool). But if I adopted a child from abroad I would take into consideration her roots and pick a name from that culture (or an anglicized version). For boys, I tend toward the more traditional, early-20th century names. I like the name Gilbert. Gil is a cute nickname. The Social Security website is fun, because it gives the most popular names by decade--fascinating! I love that the 20s was all about Gladys, Ethel, and Beulah--will those names ever come back?

Yea, so. One of the things the woman at the adoption agency asked me, and that I wasn't entirely ready to answer, was whether I would want to adopt a girl, or a boy. Apparently the vast majority of adoptive parents want a girl. She also told me that, barring China, most countries have more boys available than girls. When I asked her why, she said that people, apparently internationally, consider girls easier to raise. I wonder if this has something to do with economics, as well: girls are seen as contributing to the running of the household and staying close to home. Hmm.

Obviously were I to have a child on my own, I wouldn't have a choice, so it's a bit weird to choose. I have two young nephews, so I see how precious little boys can be. Still, and here it is, if I'm going to have only one child I suppose I hope for a girl.

Can't quite explain it. I don't think it's about it being "easier" to raise a girl. It's probably about duplicating the relationship I have with my mother, which is extremely wonderful. We are really best friends, but not in an icky she's-trying-to-be-my-age way. More like soul mates.

Which is the better choice for me?

This evening, I attended an information workshop at a local agency specializing in international adoption. I was the only person to show up at the workshop. Turned out to be a good thing. The presenter was also a single mother (although much older than I and not by choice), and we had an interesting talk.

It's great to get more information on the process. I was so excited, just sitting there thinking about the fact that I could start tomorrow, and have a child within a year.

And that's the thing. When considering having my own child through artificial insemination, vs. pursuing an adoption, I am really torn. If finances weren't an issue at all, I suppose I would choose insemination (although even as I write this I still have reservations about wanting to go through that difficult process). But the truth is that finances are an issue--a big one.

Here's how I see it as a logical, practical human being. Adoption is a sure thing. Yes, I will spend upwards of $25,000, but in the end, I will have a child. The one thing I have learned from reading other women's blogs is that even IVF is not a sure thing. 10s of thousands of dollars can be spent on the process and the end result may still be: no baby.

It sounds like such a commercial transaction when I put it that way! But I guess it's the reality.

Here's the other thing that is affecting my decision. I have endometriosis, one of the primary causes of female infertility. I've never had any fertility tests done, so I could be perfectly fine. I just have a gut (or uterine) feeling that I will have difficulty conceiving.

Either way, I'm going to have to start saving money, and I mean seriously. What I'm thinking--and this plan might completely change--is that I give myself 3 to 5 years to save the money. In the meantime, I try some of the less expensive modes of insemination, which would include, I suppose, home insem (via sperm bank, or dare I say Ex Number 2), and perhaps ICI or IUI. Am I skipping anything? I need to learn more about all this stuff. To the blogs!!

Too much information?

Wow, I'm feeling really overwhelmed.

I checked out many of the great blogs on the blogroll, mentioned in my previous posts. I am blown away by the things women are going through (particulary, IVF) in order to have children.

Yet now, as I sit here with a pit in my stomach, I don't know if it's helpful. I'm still at the early, optimistic stage of things. It seems as if that's where everyone started. But now, so many of them have been trying for years. One woman had even sold her home and was living with her family in order to fund her fertility treatments.

It makes me wonder if I am up for all this. Maybe it's BETTER to go into it somewhat blind. Who says knowledge is power? How about ignorance is bliss!? I think it's important that I begin this journey with as much optimism as possible.

Obviously, this new-found community could be very helpful to me, as well. I just need to ease into things.

Whole-Lot-Of-Blogging

Following up on my last post, I received a great response from sprouts about a fantastic blogroll with tons of links to blogs by women going through similar experiences. I can't wait to check all these out. Thanks sprouts!