Being Childless is My Fault, Right?

I read a blog post yesterday, and one that will remain anonymous, but it was another ALI blogger. I was really hurt by something she wrote. I wondered why I was taking it so personally when I read it. When I woke up this morning still thinking about it I thought: better get this off my chest.

She wrote that most people are under the misconception that going without children is a choice. She said that for her it isn't a choice. It's not as if, after all, she put off trying to conceive, got a Master's degree, went to Europe.

Guess what? I put off trying to conceive (or rather, my failed relationships put it off for me). I got a PhD. I went to Europe. The latter two things may very well have contributed to my failed relationships. But I still don't think this puts me in the category of "choosing" to go childless.

If there's one thing I've learned in the last 5 or so years, we can only plan our lives so much. We can want many things, but that doesn't mean we'll get them. Perhaps one of the points of being on this planet is trying to find happiness whether or not things go as planned.

This is a very supportive community and I know the last thing my fellow blogger would've ever wanted to do would be to shame another ALI blogger. I know that her post was about her own personal experience and had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Obviously, it just hit the "shame" button and also made me wonder if people who know nothing about me will think that my childless state is a choice that I should just live with.

The Shame of the Biological Clock

I've been thinking about the fact that there seem to be very few forums for women like me--single, professional women beyond the age of 35 who want to have children--even online. I have yet to find another blog about this subject (please correct me if I am wrong).

I've noticed, for instance, that it is perfectly acceptable to go on ad nauseum about dating and finding the perfect match. Apparently our culture condones this. However, very few women can bring themselves to acknowledge (at least publicly) that "the" relationship may not happen within the necessary time frame for a family.

I started looking into whether there was any press on this issue and it is all but ignored in the American press. In the UK, however, it's all over the place! Recently, there was legislation passed in the UK allowing single women to get insurance coverage for IVF (see this Times article). The London newspapers have also featured a number of articles about the phenomenon of single women who want to conceive by themselves.

Are we just behind the Brits? I can't believe this concern is any less prevalent among American singles (something confirmed just within my own group of friends). Is it too divisive a subject to broach in America? Were it to come up from the underground, would it become another cause célèbre for the Christian right (and there is reason to fear this, since single women are often conflated with lesbian couples in the press and legislation surrounding this issue)?

But more importantly, why aren't women TALKING about this on blogs, etc.? Perhaps acknowledging it is akin to giving up on finding "the" relationship (even though I do not agree with that).

My experience is that there is shame surrounding this issue. There is embarrassment about being "unsuccessful" at finding a partner (or not wanting to find a partner). There is shame about taking the biological clock seriously (not just joking about it).