Smug parents

Have you ever noticed that when your mind is focused on something, the cosmos seems to recognize it, and throws things your way to either challenge or support you?

So in the last two days there was a long story on NPR about how most new parents feel completely incompetent (the story was about new dads, but still). Then, my uber-boss went on a major tangent in a meeting about how she used to take business trips when her kids were young just so she could have some time for herself, followed by a lengthy tangent among all my colleagues chiming in their own stories of same.

Then there are the smug parents (kind of like the smug-marrieds a-la Bridget Jones). I attended a BBQ hosted by some newish friends on Sunday. The kid quotient was very unexpected--at least 15 children under the age of 5! It was chaos, but hilarious. And the parents were nice (most were new acquaintances)--I'm not saying I was treated as a pariah, but there was definitely a bit of smug parent posturing in this particular crowd. And I was feeling great until one woman said to me "Oh, sorry, you were probably expecting a nice, relaxing afternoon, something quiet, right?" What do you say to that? I should have said something like, "Oh, yes, usually I spend my afternoons sipping martinis while having a simultaneous mani- and pedi-." She was probably just trying to be nice, but she ended up skillfully pointing out how different I was from everyone else at the party.

The funniest thing about the day was the tiny little tyke--he must've been about 2 years old, clearly potty-training--who pulled down his pants and started to pee in sight of the entire party. He pointed it directly onto one of the beautifully planted new flowers in the garden. His father was mortified, but it was pretty hilarious. Ah, parenting!

Anyway...there's definitely a part of me that can't wait to surprise them all in a few months (fingers crossed).

Meeting the midwife tomorrow! Will report back.

Jo's Family

I'm meeting with a midwife next Tuesday. My plan is to use the midwife for live sperm IUI with my known donor.

Saying I'm ready to begin has not been without its fears (several late-night awakenings in somewhat of a panic). I think this must be quite natural. Yes? But every morning when the night terrors have subsided, I am finally able to think to myself that THIS IS the time. A realization, long labored and long time coming, washed over me after my trip to San Francisco. This is me having a family. My own family. I know that sounds kind of...rudimentary...duh...of course it is. But for some reason my "thinking" stage has involved a lot of feelings that what I am doing is about a lack (of husband), a loss (of relationships). I don't really feel like that any more. Or, at least, I think I'm finally over it. This is about my own, sweet, loving, happy little family, one that I am building, one that is as vital and meaningful and wonderful...and legitimate...as anyone else's family.

I hope that makes sense. And when I think about it that way, it is so...amazing. So exciting! It's about plenty rather than lack.

On the money front, I paid off ALL OF MY CREDIT CARDS yesterday. What better time to begin? (note to self: no more visits to TJM.a.xx.)

Happy weekend!!

I Feel Ready

I feel ready to begin.

First try will be mid June. I'm mid-cycle at the moment.

Gulp!

The New Mommy Group

I've been on the west coast in my favorite city on an actual real vacation for the last week. It's been great. I realize how much I want to move back out here. Making it happen is another thing altogether. Meanwhile, back at work (while I was conveniently away), layoffs were announced. I am safe, thank god. But a close colleague--who is pregnant--was laid off. It seems very unfair. And I'm sad about it. This, followed by a panicked day or two, where I've realized how INCREDIBLY unprepared I am if I were ever to lose my job. I need to be smarter and better about my finances. A real wake-up call.

Hanging out with my friends and their kids is fun. I've also had a lot of "me" time, and finally, had dinner and drinks with my ex and continuing "potential." Boy, was I in a mood. I think I said absolutely everything I could have possibly wanted to say. Directly. I told him about ttc. So it's all out on the table and FINALLY I think I can move on. Things are not happening between us---I guess I've known this, but I needed to really talk it out and say everything I needed to say. Shew. How many exes do I have, you may ask? Are there any more lurkers who I need to confront before I move on? Guess what? This is it!! It's over!

One of my favorite things to do is sit in a busy cafe in this city, drinking great coffee (maybe a cupcake!) and reading the newspaper. Yesterday, while doing so, I found myself in the midst of a "new mommy" group. I should've left as soon as I realized it (the group grew and grew as I sat there). But I didn't. I guess I was feeling strong and was more curious than anything. Ok, after about 15 minutes I admit I couldn't take it anymore. But I am not bitter---I know that I can have this if I want to. It's just a matter of moving forward with the possibility. So in a way, it was good for me. This process of "thinking" has taken much longer than I expected since last August when I started making plans. But it is what it is.

Ok, one more day of vacation and then back to reality in the world of lay-offs.

I have been bad at commenting but I am still following everyone. Cheers to you all!

We Know Her Well

I'm done with all the crazy wackiness at work! I now have free time. And yet...not so much to fill it with. The terrible truth of the workaholic.

The thing with 3rd time guy TOTALLY self-combusted. As I should have predicted. As many of my friends predicted. I actually feel relieved. But I'm glad I gave it every effort. I now have no regrets.

I will admit, only to my blogosphere, and now that I have some distance, that I was pushing it almost wholly out of desperation for not being sure about the whole SMC thing. This is what happens. Yes, it's far better to do it alone than with someone who is totally not right for me. I know that, intellectually. But when I get into that state of uncertainty I convince myself of all kinds of crazy wacky things.

I know I'll never end up with the wrong guy, though, for the long term. The reason is that unhappy, unsatisfied Jo is a very unpleasant person. Not many men, not any man, would be able to hang with that. It probably feels somewhat like a never-ending teeth cleaning. Jo, the evil dental hygienist.

Back to the good ole alone Jo. We know her so well.

Taking the Reins

I've continued to see the guy I'll call John, previously known as third-time-around guy. We see each other about once or twice a month, so it isn't what I'd call hot and heavy. Not a lot of petting, nor sex. So in my opinion, we're just very very casually dating. Nothing else. Think of him as an occasional dinner partner, with flirting.

Of course recently, as might be expected, I decided this was just silly. What the heck could be the point of this, if it isn't building toward something, or becoming more intimate? And so I started to let go entirely. For the third time.

Then a friend told me about another guy who I had dated briefly, a guy who I had been CONVINCED was not looking for anything serious, who was definitely just wanting to date around (according to me), and especially wasn't interested in women his own age (like me), but much younger women....WELL, this guy is getting married. And to a woman his own age. So apparently, I totally wrote that guy off and yea, totally misread the situation. It had nothing to do with the guy's readiness. I didn't even give it a chance. Not that we should or would have ended up together. But it definitely shocked me, and got me to thinking my perceptions may be a little bit off? Perhaps?

So the natural extension of these thoughts was too think...What if I let John go (for the third time), a man who clearly does like me? And what happens when I hear in about a year's time that HE'S getting married? How would I feel?? Definitely. extremely. crappy.

So, yea, I'm starting to think it's good ole' Jo, (that's me), who's the problem here. Why can't I achieve any intimacy with this person, or with ANY man, really, for the last 5 years? Am I still so damaged from my last relationship that I've just turned off, completely?

I'm trying to explore this with John (not that I've shared all of the above with him). I do care about him. But it's hard, so far. He is NOT a talker. Not sure where it's leading. For now, we're going to try to see each other more consistently to at least establish whether or not intimacy is even possible. He is interested in this. In fact, he seems to just be waiting for me to swoop in and take the reins. I'm just not sure if I have it in me to take the reins anymore. But isn't this what I want? A relationship?

I think I need therapy. Sigh.

And, no, this and ttc definitely do not mix. Trying to figure out how/if to talk about it.

Almost Done

Almost there. This period of all work and no play is almost over! My big deadline for the book is on Wednesday (although there will be some loose ends after that). And 3 more weeks teaching (my 2nd job!), then DONE. I am barely holding on, waiting for this overload of work to be over. Somehow I've made it through, although my sleep patterns are totally off. I don't think I've taken more than 2 or 3 full days off in a row since last October, and that includes weekends. Ugh. I have THREE WEEKS of vacation to take before June 30. Time to start planning that!

After this, I am making a vow to myself to try to find some kind of focus outside of work. [I know, a baby could definitely be a focus.] I feel like I also need another, I dunno, hobby or something. The things that have crossed my mind are...gardening (I have a wilderness of a back yard...a very big project), sailing (join a sailing club), tennis (join a league). I've tried lots of crafts over the years, like knitting, collage, even refinishing furniture, but those things never really felt relaxing to me. More like work. I envy people who have a real focus outside of work, whether it be a club or a charity. Any suggestions??

Gotta go. I have a blind date this evening. I re-joined e.ha.rmon.y after one of their 50% off specials (so expensive). It's absolutely irritating on so many levels--too many to go into--but every now and then an interesting man comes along. We'll see if he holds up outside of cyber land. The key to internet dating: have very few expectations. Not that I'm a pro---never really had a success story.