All That She Wants

9 months

2010-12-03T20:05:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone---yep, I'm not blogging much anymore. But check out my other blog for some recent pics of O.

mmmmmmm---baaa!

2010-10-06T20:02:00.002-04:00

Hello there! Long time no post! It's been a crazy fall so far...I started back to work full time in mid August, and O started at his new daycare center. We both promptly got sick within two weeks and it lasted FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. It was pretty hellish. Who knows what it was, but I guess we passed it back and forth at least once between us, maybe twice. We have both now had TWO rounds of antibiotics, O for an ear infection, and me for a nasty throat infection (undiagnosable). Haven't been that sick since I was a teenager. Thankfully O didn't get as sick as I did, but he was pretty uncomfortable. Yep. It's hard taking care of an infant when you have a fever and a really, I mean really bad sore throat. Somehow I survived (and somehow only took 1/2 day off work through all this---I know, not good for me to go to work but I just couldn't take time off after JUST returning!)...and the good news is, it's been one week now since we are both feeling better. Lemme tell ya, it went on long enough I almost thought it would never end. Knock on wood! People keep telling me that this is what the first year of daycare is like. Year? Year?

Through it all, O has been the best little trooper. He is totally thriving, loving daycare, doing all the things 7 month-olds are supposed to do. He's almost 20 lbs, sitting up, rolling around. Not crawling, and no teeth. I'm sure it will happen soon enough. He cracks me up all the time. He is currently trying out the "b" and "d" sounds...a wonderful, babbly "mmmmba" and "mmmmda". I wish I could listen to that sound, which is just so beautiful and pure, every time I feel even the slightest bit sad, angry, or tired. It makes me happy on a level I didn't even know was possible.

Happy Fall everyone!

The Reveal

2010-07-24T20:37:00.004-04:00

So the big news, I guess, is that I told my family the identity of my known donor.

All of my fears, whatever they were, and however unfounded, were completely for naught! First of all, my second brother, the one who knows the donor from college, had completely guessed about a year ago. Apparently he put two and two together (my known donor has a blog--it's a picture blog, very different from this type of blog, but nevertheless apparently he posted a picture of my cat...in my condo...about around the time of conception.). Ha. My parents had also narrowed it down to one of two guys. They were pretty sure it was who it was...I guess I don't have THAT many close male friends who I talk about with family (known donor is one of them). The most surprised was my oldest brother and his wife. Probably because they just hadn't thought about it very much.

So now that the word is out it seems a much much better route than the secrecy! Everyone was extremely happy to know and it was all kind of matter of fact...no one even had any probing questions for me. Knowing my beautiful baby boy is enough, I guess. And I agree.

And it's also helping me to conceptualize the future with O and his donor daddy. I hope to reveal DD's identity fairly early on, and for him and his bio relationship to O to be known to O. This is really what I wanted all along, and why I went with a known donor in the first place. So I am hoping that will work out. For now, to the questions from other kids I will reply with the simple answer of "O's dad doesn't live with us," or something like that, and leave it at that (THANKS everyone for the comments on that---it was so helpful). Interestingly, O's 4 year old nephew didn't seem the least bit interested in whether O had a dad. I think because he's always just known me as Aunt Jo (alone Aunt Jo), it doesn't occur to him that there would be someone else involved. Ah, yes. One of the benefits of having been single since before he was born. :)

The rest of my vacation in western NY state was wonderful. O was surrounded by absolutely adoring family every day. I wish I could provide that for him all the time. I mean, I'm adoring, of course. But there's only one of me.

For pics and cuteness, see my other blog!

Cheating

2010-05-26T17:21:00.004-04:00

I've been cheating on this blog a bit with another blog. I started a blog to update my family on the daily mundane developments of O. I didn't want my family to have access to THIS blog, because it's kinda personal. And I talk about them a lot. But in the meantime I've been spending more time posting to that blog. It's really mostly a picture blog and a daily diary.

But here I am. Things are awesome! Owen is 12 weeks old today! He is such a chub, and such a delight. We have daily conversations in his native baby tongue about all kinds of subjects. I still have another month and a half until I go back to work, but it feels like it's winding down. I just want to hang on to every day and moment with my BABY. I still can't believe sometimes that I HAVE A BABY.

The interesting news is that the donor daddy paid a visit and it went really well. He is a very sweet man and I hope he will be a gentle presence in O's life. In what capacity, exactly, still remains to be seen. We talk a lot about that, and I talk with friends and my therapist about it, but it just doesn't seem to be the kind of thing you can DECIDE in a black and white way..more of a journey. My main concern is and will always be O's well being. I don't want donor daddy to be in his life one minute and then disappear the next. My main focus is that if he DOES want to see O (which he says he does), he'll have to prove some level of commitment to that over a period of several years before I even begin to think about revealing to O that he is biologically related. Does that make sense? Maybe I should never reveal it! I don't know. But the reason I went for the known donor equation was so the my child would be able to know his bio dad some day, in some way. The question I suppose is whether I reveal it or I wait for O to want to know himself.

I am realizing that I need to have a "narrative" pretty darn quick, that is, a sentence or two that addresses the daddy question that I am comfortable with. It's not so much that O will be asking soon, but that other children in his life--for instance, his 4 year old cousin--may begin asking. Anything we tell them now will undoubtedly get back to O when he is older. The missing link is just how to describe the known donor's relationship to O (like, whether he isn't like other dads but he cares about your Mommy and you very much), etc.

Finally, I've been pondering revealing his identity to my family. My family knows him, by the way. So I think the reason I feel the yearning to share his identity is so that my family can know O even more fully by knowing more about his other "half." It's one of those things about sharing O's life with other people I love, wanting them to know him in the same way that I do. At the same time, no one in my family has expressed a need to know who the donor is, so I worry about changing the dynamic. Things are going so well!!

Ok, well, difficult topic, difficult questions.

Big Boy

2010-05-02T12:12:00.003-04:00

O is growing so fast. He was 7 lbs, 19 inches at birth and at his 8 week appointment he was 12 lbs 10 oz and 24 inches! Oh, my! I am already having trouble carrying him in the car seat. Here's some evidence...at 7 weeks.

We are doing really well. I've had some challenges with O's eating sensitivities and as of last Thursday I am off caffeine. This is monumental for me (I even had a cup of coffee every morning throughout the pregnancy). Beware the uncaffeinated new mom. I am such an addict. .. Anyway, his tummy troubles are obviously not serious, just unpleasant at times (profuse spit-up) but, given the weight gain he's really doing well and thriving in every other way, as well. He is a wonderfully calm little boy. I am so so lucky. On many fronts.

Emotionally, I am also good. I think the hardest thing for me has been something I didn't really think about that much. It's my desire to share this amazing little baby with other people. I think the lack of the partner for me is really a lack of a person to share the beautiful day-to-day developments with. It's so special, so miraculous. I talk to my mom every day, but it's different to experience it, vs. describe it. I've been a bit sad about that...not so much the lack of one particular man, but more generally the isolation of the experience. It's definitely an experience worth sharing.

I have found myself craving my family. My brothers have still not met O, and I am getting really sad (ok, annoyed) about that. One of them will met O in a couple of weeks when I go to Chicago (yay). I have extended several invitations to my oldest brother, and he is trying to figure out when to come (it's taking him long enough). I suppose to other people 2 months isn't a long period, but in my life, and O's life, it's an eternity.

I guess there is a secret fear I harbor that O will somehow notice the lack of family even at this young age. I guess I am projecting...I can give him so much love and I know I'm all he needs right now. It's me who needs the family. I just hope I can provide him with enough love so that he doesn't feel the lack that I do.

I've seen many friends and even been out and about in the evenings and I enjoy it so much, partially because I can see O through other people's eyes as well as my own, and experience my own joy over and over again as others meet him. It's wonderful. I spend most of these encounters beaming. So things are really great. Just missing family close by. I guess I knew that would be hard. And it is. But O keeps me full of happiness every day.

6 week smiles!

2010-04-16T11:45:00.002-04:00

Here we are at 6 weeks! Unbelievable!!

The 5th week was really hard. O had some gas issues and cried for a few days inconsolably. They seem to have passed (literally/figuratively ha ha)...or at least he has gotten better at managing them, by which I mean he still has the gas but now knows how to, er, get rid of it. Apparently around this age is when they learn that kind of thing, as in putting together the sensation with what to do with it. Yes, I'm breastfeeding so the question is what is making him gassy? Well it could be near anything. I have a very healthy diet but certainly there is dairy and wheat...all that. Can't imagine having to change everything right now. One thing I've already learned in this 6 weeks is to not jump to conclusions---kind of wait things out, since he is changing every single day and next week, or tomorrow, a problem might resolve itself or a new one might emerge. As I get to know his cries and his reactions it's easier to make the call (at first I wanted to call the pediatrician literally every day!). I'm getting more calm. Although I admit that those inconsolable days were very very hard. I need to have a mantra during those times to get me through. When we come out on the other end feeling happy and adorable (him, not me), it's all worth it and completely amazing. Sometimes I still can't believe I have a wonderful cuddly snuggly baby. I keep saying to people "isn't he the cutest?" which must be a little bit annoying. But I can't help it.

I'm trying to stay active and I'm proud to state the following milestones: breastfeeding in public (check), grocery shopping (check), attending a social event (check), keeping several appointments on time (check), finalizing the day care options (check-ish), beginning to look into babysitters (semi-check). I'm attending a new moms group (fun/helpful), and "mom and baby yoga" and taking an infant massage class (I think the massage has helped his gas). I am so glad to have almost 3 more months at home with this little guy. There is so much bonding yet to be done. Yay.

In mid-May I'm going to Chicago...yes, with the baby. I'm totally nervous about traveling (just think of all the STUFF), but my darling mother has offered to meet me there for child care (it's a work thing--the only obligation I have during my maternity leave). I'm so grateful to her. We'll see how it goes! Any tips for traveling with infants most welcome!

I'm so excited to be following everyone's stories when I can, but not the best commenter these days. xoxo

Boring Adoring Mommy Post

2010-03-28T14:35:00.005-04:00

My mom left today, after almost 4 weeks! She was so incredibly helpful and made every single meal, did all the laundry, even stayed up with the baby some nights. And yet I already feel like I have more time now that she is gone! I guess more "me" time, if that even exists anymore.

My baby boy is doing fabulously well. He is getting round and pudgy, and already about to burst out of his newborn size clothes. At our next appointment on Tuesday I am already predicting that he has gained at least a lb, if not more. It's exciting and astonishing to see him grow and change every day. I wish you could somehow bottle the feeling of gazing into your newborn's eyes as he gazes back. Thank goodness for video...but still, that feeling could never be captured on film!

I'm afraid to jinx it by writing it down, but I think I have an "easy" baby on my hands! But I have to give some credit to the 'baby whisperer' book, which had me getting him on a routine immediately. I've gotten so, in 3-1/2 weeks, I can already read almost all of his cries (at least those that he's had so early in life!). He barely wails at all--has gotten over the diaper change wailing--and even enjoys his bath. He gives me a few pointed waa waa waas when he's hungry, but seems to be able to easily soothe himself. I must say, the pacifier is my best friend though. He really needs to suckle, a lot, even when he's not hungry. It's like a drug, the change that comes over his face when I plug him in, as I call it. Ahhh...sweet relief...thanks mommy! Now I'm just hanging on until he sleeps more than 3 hours at a stretch.

I am enjoying every minute. My tears thus far have been of joy. Except yesterday, a bit of anger. My dad was here to pick up my mom and take her home. All of a sudden there were two babies in the house. But oh well. I could deal with it for one short day I guess. And my parents have been more than generous overall, mostly my mom, but my dad, too.

Mom left the fridge stocked with at least a month's worth of food. So now all I have to do is spend every precious moment with my little boy! Next week I start a 'new moms group'. I was in a 'pregnancy group' held at the same place and the ladies were all younger than me, all partnered (surprise), but still very interested and supportive of my story. Let's hope the same holds true for this group.

Ok, a rather boring update, but there's not much going on here but oogling and googling and lots and lots of diaper changes! (I even take pleasure in the diaper changes! And don't even get me started with the outfits...I can't fit into a thing, but he looks adorable every day).

Birth Story

2010-03-11T19:03:00.009-05:00

Owen is 8 days old! Where does the time go? He's already huge! :) These pics are actually in descending order (ie the first one was taken today; the last one was taken on his birthday). He's changed already. It's amazing!

We're doing great. Owen is an incredibly calm baby. His nickname so far is Squeaky---his preferred mode of communication. He squeaks a bit when he's hungry...that's about it. He wails like crazy when he gets his diaper changed though! We are bonding like crazy. I weep daily--out of joy--just by looking at him.

I want to share my birth story. I feel SO LUCKY to have had an uneventful, amazing birth...Something I hoped for, and planned for, but also something I approached realistically, knowing that labor and delivery is about the last thing a person can expect to control.

Last Tuesday night (after posting a blog entry pre-labor!) I got into bed at exactly 10:00. The moment I got into bed I felt the first contraction. Wasn't sure what it was, of course. My mom was set to arrive the following day, so I called my friend Maya to ask if she would mind spending the night. I was kind of feeling like, oh, this might be the beginning...there's a long way to go. I then called my doula, who said we should keep in touch and speak in an hour to see if it's progressing, or not. Well...within an hour, my contractions were 2-1/2 minutes apart, and I could barely speak through them. Basically what appears to have happened is that I skipped early labor altogether. I was definitely in active labor by 11:00 or 11:30.

My doula came over, watched me go through 2 contractions, and told me to call the OB. The OB told me to get to the hospital! So at about 12:30 we arrived at triage. By this point I was having extremely strong contractions almost continually---maybe one minute apart, maybe less. They checked me out and....drumroll...I was NINE CM dilated. At that point, the triage nurse asked if I wanted an epidural. The doctor chimed in "gosh, it may not even be worth it at this point...you're kind of almost there already." I was somewhat delirious but I knew that I didn't want the epidural if I was so far along.

So up to L & D I went with Maya and my doula by my side. What an amazing team. My doula talked me through every contraction. She made me see with each pain how my body was working to birth my baby--pain with purpose. Of course you know this intellectually but believe me there ain't a lot of intellect going on at that point. I needed that help to focus because oh, boy, did it HURT!

Up in L & D I went through the final stage of labor---ohmyohmy that is the truly traumatic part because it feels like your body is going to break, as the pressure on your lower parts gets so intense. I say traumatic but I don't mean insurmountable. I mean, obviously it's no cake walk for your body but at the same time, your body CAN DO IT. It's really pretty freakin incredible.

One crazy thing that happened is that the aminotic sac bulged outward, meaning (sorry TMI here!) bulged outside of my body without breaking. Most likely my bulging amniotic sac is what allowed the dilation to progress so quickly. But seriously the OB and nurses were like "Woa--you don't see that every day!" The OB broke the sac and there was a bit of meconium, which just meant that the baby would have to be suctioned, etc, immediately. No need to panic.

So by 2:45 I was fully dilated and ready to push! I started pushing, which I must say I didn't ever think I 'd be able to do, I mean, it seemed truly impossible. And yet I was doing it. Definitely the hardest part for me, and not a "relief" as I hear some women describe it. Let me tell you, there were primal screams that got me through that.

Incredibly, by 3:20, Owen was here! He came out WAILING; I cut the cord (this part is a blur), and he was taken away for about 3 minutes to be cleaned up, but was on my chest very shortly thereafter. The moment it was over, I felt AMAZING. I was so glad that I did it without meds, so extremely surprised, too, and on such an adrenaline high for hours and hours and hours. I couldn't believe it was over---that it came and went so quickly--!

Since then I have experienced the most intense euphoria, even through the haze of exhaustion.

DOUBLE BIRTHDAY!!

2010-03-04T08:54:00.000-05:00

Everyone, my son, Owen Christopher Harley [last name] arrived at 3:20 am on March 3 (yes, on my birthday) forever after known as OUR birthday. He is 7 lbs exactly and 19 inches and beautiful and perfect in every way! I can't wait to share more with you when I'm home from the hospital. The birth was fast. I went into labor and had Owen 5 hours and 2o minutes later. Full birth story to follow!

I don't know if I've ever said this before and really meant it...but now I do: Hallelujah!

LAST day of work (yippee!!) and Still Pregnant

2010-03-02T19:08:00.003-05:00

I know, I still have 9 days until my due date, so this shouldn't be a surprise! But I've always had a feeling that he would come early. Long ago I predicted March 4. Recently I've been thinking more like March 9.

Whatever it is, I'll let ya'll know!!

I can't tell you how lovely it feels not to have to go to work tomorrow. 4-1/2 months without going into the office are ahead of me. WOO HOO!!

And a whole new world awaits (slightly more intimidated and anxious-sounding but excited "wooo hooo!")

Mom arrives tomorrow (with Dad temporarily--I'm blocking that part out). Also the ole' 39th birthday. Turning 39 feels darn OK under the current circumstances.

Things seem to be happening "down there." The baby is low. Very low. Like every-1/2-hour-to-the-bathroom-to-pee low. He's punching me in places I never knew could actually be punched. "Other things" on the list of classic pre-labor indicators have also started to happen down there but I'll spare you the details.

I truly look like a stick with a basketball strapped to her stomach. I mean I'm not ridiculously skinny but I have a tall frame and haven't gained much weight except right at the belly. It's a somewhat strange experience to view my reflection in the mirror. I'll have my mom take a picture tomorrow and try to post it.

Updates imminent...

The Threes

2010-02-23T19:35:00.001-05:00

Next Wednesday is my 39th birthday. That's March 3 (3/3). The day after that I'll be entering my 39th week of pregnancy. Something tells me that all these threes are somehow auspicious. Not a believer in Chinese astrology, particularly, but I'm wondering what a Chinese astrologer would say about the chances of my little boy arriving on 3/3 (perhaps at 3:33?)

So....2 cm (no, not 3) dilated at this point. My OB said that was "pretty good for a first timer" at just shy of 38 weeks. I love it. As if I can really take any credit for the progress of my cervix. But go, cervix, go!

Still going to work. I'm soldiering forward. My wonderful doctor said she could take me out any time I wish and get me on disability. But I'm still just not willing to cash in on my 13 week leave quite yet. I'm having a good week fatigue-wise (tired, but not overwhelmed) and I'm not weeping anymore. So for now the plan is to work until Friday the 5th (barring potential arrival on 3/3) and that's it.

The nursery is totally done. Clothes are laundered. Diapers are in the house. Haven't installed the car seat yet but was kind of waiting for my mom to arrive (on 3/3). My place is clean. Not immaculate, but clean.

And so, I wait. This is a really intense time! The anticipation is crazy. Beyond all-encompassing. Amazing. Exciting. Terrifying. I am so thankful in so may ways right now.

Updates to come.

Re-assessing the plan

2010-02-14T17:58:00.002-05:00

Well, just past 36 weeks! Wow. Still can't believe it.

I had such a hard week at work. My energy levels are wildly fluctuating, and there are times when I have such intense bodily fatigue I can hardly communicate with my colleagues. At other times I'm fine...but at this point my life consists of going to work and then coming home and crashing.

I had this really ambitious plan of working straight up to my due date (March 12), thus saving all of my leave/vacation/sick time until post-baby. As of this weekend that plan is being seriously reconsidered. I was so beat after my week and I didn't realize how much tension I was holding in my body.

Friday night I started having some anxiety (hadn't felt that since the first trimester). Then Saturday morning I went to my pre-natal yoga class. I told the teacher I was feeling uncommonly fatigued. She announced to the class that we would be having a very gentle class that day. That small act of compassion and caring, combined with the yoga itself when I started to just relax and breathe...well, it let the floodgates open. I started weeping during the class. I didn't stop for the entire class, with tears literally pouring down my cheeks. My classmates and teacher were so compassionate. It was incredible.

Clearly my body and emotions are telling me that I cannot keep going like I am going. I need to give myself permission to step back and to rest my body and care for myself. When I say give myself permission, it's because everyone around me fully expects that I'll be leaving work any day now. I'm the one being hard on myself. My biggest concern at this point is that I know I don't want to feel this exhausted when I go into labor. So I'll probably leave work the week before the due date (if not 2 weeks before). I've asked my mom to come sooner than we were planning, so that she can help me before the birth as well as after. Asking for help, and being gentle with myself. These are life lessons I really need to take to heart before my little boy arrives.

Today I feel much better (thank heaven for a 3 day weekend, too). I had a great meeting with my doula and lunch with a friend, and yes, I'm relaxing. I'm going to see how work goes this week. My OB indicated last Friday that we might be able to get me out on disability sooner than my due date, which would be GREAT. If that doesn't work, I'll just cash in my sick leave. Not what I had planned, but perhaps what I need.

Btw, at my OB appointment Friday, I was told I'm thinning, and "a bit" dilated~! And my little Fitzy is cooperating by being head down. What a good boy!

If only my cat could give me a foot massage

2010-02-05T19:13:00.005-05:00

35 weeks. Boy, do my feet hurt. Especially because I can no longer wear my special shoes!

So, I took a tumble a couple days ago. There I was, walking down the street in my new clogs, which take the pressure off my heels and make my feet feel good. Little did I know that it's hard to get used to them at first...apparently a lot of people trip and fall because they aren't used to taking the weight off their heels. (So yea, I wish the sales lady would've told me that before I shelled out $88!) But anyway...about the fall. I took a misstep and went FLYING. Through the air. And forward. I can't tell you the anguish that went through my mind in that split instant! Awful, just awful. So somehow, instinctually, I managed to hurl myself sideways (thanks yoga?), so that I landed on my hand, the left side of my left knee (yep, tore the trousers), and my left shoulder. Completely missed the belly. Of course, I wasn't sure of that in that instant. It was so dramatic that a car stopped, along with the man walking behind me and several other people. I was, of course, bawling my eyes out (instant reaction for me to just about everything these days). I was so extremely shaken up---mostly from the trauma of thinking I had hurt my baby, not so much the actual pain---that I literally could not work for the rest of the day. Not a pleasant experience.

Anyway, all is well. I completely flattened my glasses case (my glasses weren't inside, thankfully!) and have major bruises and did something weird to my hand, but Fitz is fine, absolutely fine (yes--I called the doc immediately and monitored myself like a hawk!)

But that's the drama. The nice stuff is that my friend M threw me the NICEST baby shower last Sunday! It was a tea and cookies and finger sandwiches affair. It was so nice to be surrounded by supportive women who care about me and my as-yet-arrived little boy! Really, really touching. Yep, got lots of beautiful things. Mostly outfits that I would never splurge on myself. In the meantime, I've received literally bag-loads (many) of hand-me-down clothes. I really do not need to purchase a single item of clothing.

It felt so good. You know, never had the wedding, never had the bridal shower, never had big events that celebrated milestones in my life. (Strangely even my graduations were not big affairs--I attended my PhD graduation without my family--one of the problems with living so scattered from my family). So I must say I thought to myself---enjoy this! It's about damn time.

Now if only I can get someone to give me a nightly foot massage...since the clogs have now been returned to the closet indefinitely...kitty? oh kitty?? Sigh. He prefers it the other way around, and usually gets what he wants.

33 weeks!

2010-01-23T10:09:00.002-05:00

Thanks for the advice on my last post, ya'll. It's not entirely resolved, but I have made my needs known to my mother repeatedly and I am hoping that everything will work out. My dad might drive her 3/4 of the way up, to my brother's in Baltimore, and then fly home to Georgia from there rather than driving her the entire way. It's all a bit sensitive, particularly because of my dad's challenging personality and my mom's role in the family as supreme peacemaker. Ah, family dynamics.

7 weeks to go! Or not! Maybe just 6 weeks! Or 5! (I'm not going to go earlier than that...:) I am feeling fantastic, except for my feet. The ligaments underneath the heels of my feet are so sore. I can't stand for long periods. Luckily, I have an excuse to always be sitting, even at work when everyone is standing. Yes, it's a weird malady, but I seem to get the weird ones. On the list of pregnancy would-be woes, it isn't so bad.

Feeling very well. Here and there I have been a bit, well, vile and angry. It comes out particularly in my car...with the completely inane and insane drivers in my tiny little New England state. But those moments seems to pass and then I'm kind of amazed at how even I am feeling. I don't know why I'm so surprised. ? In some ways, I've felt better being pregnant than I have felt in long, long time, both emotionally and yes, even physically (the banishment of endometriosis is like a dream--a temporary one--but a nice one). Part of me wonders if I should be more worried! Anxious!? Freaking out? I've even passed the holy-shite-I-have-to-push-a-baby-outta-my-va.gina stage.

Mostly, I just want to meet my little buddy, my new best friend. DYING to see what he looks like!! I've been doing a casual mental survey of people-with-kids and it seems like more often the first child looks like the daddy. I know, that's very unscientific. I'm of course quite curious if Fitzwilliam will look like known donor, or like me. I admit, I want him to look like me, of course! But on the other hand, known donor and I, well, we kind of look like siblings. When we are together people think we're related (I promise you, we're not). Weird, huh?

Prep: I've been cleaning things out like mad. Cleaned out my desk last weekend. Years worth of bank statements---shredded. That felt good. This weekend, I cleaned out my RIDICULOUS vanity, which consists of literally years worth of un-used makeup, most of it obtained via various freebie "gifts" when I purchased something else. Apparently I went through a nude lipstick stage. That's just wrong. Also cleaned out the two medicine cabinets in my house. Cleaned all the blinds (there are many). Does this constitute nesting perhaps?

What's left to do? Get stuff (baby shower next week--so looking forward, not just to "the stuff" but to being surrounded by wonderful, supportive friends). Read some more. Do more squats. Practice the kegels.

I've read about 5 books at this point. Favorite by far: Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. She offers such sane advice. Loved it (and recommend it---even with the slightly annoying Britishisms thrown in for flavor).

Oh, and I have a NAME. It literally came to me in the middle of the night after much much turmoil!

No Dad No How

2010-01-11T19:29:00.005-05:00

So, my mom is coming for my labor and birth (if such things can really be planned) and she's been trying to figure out, logistically, what makes sense. She lives far away. The plan she's come up with does NOT sit well with me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Basically, she and my dad are going to get in the car and start driving up the eastern seaboard, stopping to see some sights and to see my brother, about a week-ish before my due date. They'll be within striking distance if I go into labor and can scoot on over.

What I DIDN'T sign up for is having my father here---in my home---while I'm in labor. No, no no. This is not part of the plan. My dad and I are not close; in fact, his presence stresses me out in big ways. He's kind of a baby (a big, adult baby)--needs lots of taking care of. Exactly the opposite of what I want when I'm about to give birth to a real, bonafide baby.

Therefore, if they arrive and I'm in the middle of laboring at home, this is NOT good. I've expressed this in the nicest way possible to my mom, but she insists that he will leave a.s.a.p (he is going to fly back to their home and leave mom here) but obviously "will have to stay at my place for at least one night." Um, what about a hotel? My place is somewhat small...not a lot of privacy. If I go into labor while my dad's in the house I have a horrible picture in my mind of me, resting between contractions, and my dad yelling from the other room, "Hey Jo! I can't get this remote to work!" and etc. Ok, that's going a bit far. I'm sure he'd be respectful-ish. But the whole idea is obviously stressing me out, which is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of how a lady should feel WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.

The timing is obviously out of my control, but I would really like, at the very least, for them to make the gesture of booking a hotel room for his arrival. If I'm not in labor, fine. Come on over. But if I am in labor, dad goes to hotel. It's a bit awkward and delicate, but jeesh, he must understand, right? You would think.

Be honest: am I being selfish? Am I crazy to not want my father hanging out in my living room while I'm in labor? If I'm not crazy, can someone please tell my mother and father that?

2009---a good year---and natural child birth

2009-12-31T14:31:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I am stuck at home today for yet another Northeast snowstorm...plus I have a cold. Yeah, I've been suffering for the past week with fatigue and now this cold. Right on target for the 3rd trimester. Luckily I have 4 days off in a row, and although I do have somewhere I could be tonight (NY's eve) if I wanted to, I'm inclined to just stay home. Is that really lame? I'm just tired...and it's snowing...and my nose and throat hurts....and I want someone to drive me if I go somewhere,...and blah blah blah.

I spent a very lovely Christmas with my whole family in Georgia. My parents have the perfect place for entertaining. Of course it was all about my 2 nephews. Lots of fun. Lots of exhaustion. Definitely one of those---holy shit this is exhausting---moments.

I can do this. Really. I can.

I just wish my family lived closer. I really do. We had good talks when we were together. My brother and sister and law (the ones with the 2 kids) have agreed to custodial guardianship in the event of my death. I did feel I needed to cover that issue with them given my singledom, and given the existence of a known donor who should not be held responsible for the child should I die. My other brother and his wife don't want children, so I didn't feel I could ask them (and they made it somewhat clear that they wouldn't be up for it). It's a bit ironic in my family that we have one couple with no apparent interest in kids and then me, the single sister, who does it on my own.

Thinking over the last year, one of the things that sticks with me is the total depression I felt after the holidays. It was awful. I'm so happy to say that I don't have the same feelings...of loneliness...of my life not going where I want it to go...of feeling like I have no control over my destiny...as I did last Christmas. There have been some hard times. I mean, the holidays are still better when there is someone else there (which next year will be my little guy). It always sucks no matter how many parties I get invited to and how pregnant I am to be arriving and leaving single. So I do still think about the desire to find "that" relationship. But the urgency is certainly gone. And thus the sadness and the depression seems to be gone, as well.

I can't believe I'm at 30 weeks! I popped out big-time in the last couple of weeks and now I am unmistakably preggers even to the most daft stranger. It did take awhile. My little guy is jumping around like crazy and measuring perfectly. I've hired my doula; there's a possibility I'll have 2 doulas at my birth, actually. I'm shooting for a natural birth, to labor at home as much as possible before going to the hospital. So far there's no reason why this wouldn't be possible, but it's best to remain open to whatever might happen. My OB, though not overjoyed, is generally supportive of my having a doula and giving birth naturally. I think OBs usually just nod and smile and probably think to themselves "yeah, right" when a woman says that. But I have a lot of confidence in my ability to manage pain (I have lots of experience in this area, given my endometriosis); I've been preparing with hypnobirthing CDs and lots of reading (and recommend Ina May's Guide to Childbirth) and CDs (check out "The Business of Being born"!). So we'll see. I'm kind of looking forward to it! Call me crazy.

The snow is letting up, which means...time to get to the grocery store! It's going to be a long couple days without any food in my fridge!

Babies babies everywhere

2009-12-12T20:32:00.004-05:00

Now that the semester is winding down I've had some time to catch up with some friends who I haven't seen for awhile. I have 6 lunches scheduled in the next two weeks. Lots of fun. Some of them didn't even know I'm pregnant (I tell ya, my friends just DO NOT gossip. I'm at the point where it's like---just tell everyone you know--please!). As the word continues to spread, I am so touched by continuing acts of kindness. And surprises. A senior colleague called me out of the blue the other day to tell me that her daughter is becoming an SMC! We are having lunch next week. How sweet that she reached out to me.

Then this weekend. Within 24 hours, I learned about 4 other pregnancies among my friends and acquaintances in town! This means that little Fitzwilliam will have lots of playmates! The most exciting thing is that 2 of the 4 announcements are close friends. This is truly astounding and amazing, because both are complete surprises. The first is a dear friend who had twins 2-1/2 years ago after several IVF cycles. So you can imagine their surprise when she discovered she was pregnant this time, with no interventions! I think my friend is feeling a bit scared, what with a set of 2-1/2 year old twins, but at the same time over the moon.

The other friend is even more of a surprise. She is unmarried, but in a relationship. The pregnancy is totally unplanned. I am a little bit concerned for her, just emotionally, because she just recently finalized a divorce, has been seeing this guy for only about 7 months (but it is a very loving relationship as far as I can tell). They also haven't announced their relationship to the world because of her recent divorce AND because they work together. So when she said she was feeling a bit overwhelmed, I could definitely understand! Coming to terms with being pregnant is hard enough without all the added stress!

Both are very early on so for now mum's the word and fingers crossed. Of course I am just so happy at the thought that such close friends will be experiencing motherhood right along with me.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year, and it's been YEARS since I've felt this way. I'm just so glad that I've moved forward with the things that I want in my life. For once I feel comfortable with where I am, optimistic, and upbeat.

Fitzw is great. He is SO active (like every time they look for his heartbeat at the dr, they comment about how much he is moving around). I asked my doctor if his activity indicates he will be a very active baby. She said, "yes, likely." Yikes!

Family, Donor, and Neighbors

2009-11-28T16:20:00.003-05:00

The SI syndrome has subsided after several rounds of physical therapy. It's not gone...and I'm worried about aggravating it again. Thus the sitting on the couch. And eating. There is lots of eating being done. Thanks for your kind words. I feel lucky that it lasted for just a couple of weeks and hopefully won't return.

I decided to stay in town for Thanksgiving and spend the evening with a close friend and his family. It was very nice. I don't usually like to travel on Thanksgiving, since my family isn't really within driving distance and I like to avoid flying with all the crowds. But every year I do feel a bit lonely with my decision. Like today, for instance. It would be nice to be surrounded by my family rather than sitting and eating on the couch (or sitting and eating on the couch while surrounded by my family).

Speaking of which, my brother is actually applying to jobs near me! He's the one with the 2 boys. It's really too good to be true, so I don't want to get my hopes up. And the jobs he's applying for are very competitive. But having family---even within 3 hours as opposed to 8, or 14--would be so wonderful. One of the jobs is even in the same town as me, but I daren't hope for such things...

My donor visited me yesterday, for the first time since I got pregnant. It was nice to see him. My relationship to the situation has evolved somewhat. When I first got pregnant I thought a lot about how nice it would be if he was involved as much as he wanted to be. But as the months have passed, and as I have noticed he has pretty much zero interest, and as I have become extremely protective of this little life inside me and of MY family, I have become much more cautious about that. He is a wonderful person but not always the most inward-looking and very non committal (one of the reasons he is a good donor). So the last thing I want is for him to see the child at first and then, later on (just when the child starts to know who he is!) decided it's inconvenient or something. The whole thing is a work in progress/unchartered territory and the nice thing is that we can talk about it. It's very clear that I've thought about the situation much more extensively than he (not to mention that I live with it every day). After his visit, I still believe that I can be in control of the situation, which is what I want and what's best for Fitzwilliam.

Finally, I am miserably adjusting to some new neighbors above me. I live in a 3-unit house converted to condos. The condo above me has been empty for almost 2 years. It is horribly loud and I've actually started looking at real estate listings! I am really sensitive to noise..had I known that the house was a veritable echo chamber, I really wouldn't have bought this place. I just hope I get used to it. They have a dog, too...a pit bull mix. I'm not thrilled with any of it. I wish I could just chill and block it out but I really can't.

On that note, time to get off the couch and go eat...at a restaurant. Just what I need!

The dreaded SI syndrome

2009-11-21T09:37:00.003-05:00

Ok, so it's not the worst thing that can happen during pregnancy. But it sure is darn painful, and it sure does affect pretty much everything. I have Sacroiliac joint pain. It's the joint that holds together the pelvis and the tailbone, and yes, it's the one that bears almost all of one's body weight. It started completely out of nowhere! And by last Saturday I was flat on my back and then wincing, crying with pain when I tried to do things such as: get things out of the fridge, put on shoes, get into/out of the car, descend stairs, oh yes, and walk. So just that kind of thing. Nothing important, really. Needless to say single Jo did not get around to taking out the garbage, the recycling, doing laundry, or cleaning the cat box for the last several days. Yea, my condo is looking GOOD.

2 rounds of physical therapy and I am feeling a bit better. I can't tell you how divine it felt to have someone forcefully push my pelvis back into place. Ahhhh. I'm worried about doing pretty much anything to aggravate this again (and I have 3-1/2 more months to go), even yoga. Not sure why I am susceptible to this. I am slim, healthy and athletic, but perhaps that's the issue--I may've put too much strain on my back in the past, and, I may be doing too much now. Not sure.

I do know that I NEED TO GET BETTER AT ASKING FOR HELP. Last weekend was ridiculous. I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. My neighbor surely would have offered a hand, at least with the garbage. But did I ask? No, of course not. Doesn't bode well when it comes to baby....let's just say it's something to work on.

In other news, I've narrowed down to 2 doulas, who I will "interview" and then hire one. I went to a doula "meet and greet" and was so impressed with the generally caring attitude of these women, who just seem to love the process of birth.

Another story

2009-11-14T21:17:00.004-05:00

When I was on the NY subway last week, a young man got on the train and looked RIGHT at me, then at my belly, and mouthed the question, "Are you pregnant?" Firstly, I was wearing a coat, and a large scarf that covered my belly; secondly, I am "carrying small" and even people who know me haven't clued in to the bulging belly yet. So this was truly weird. It's like he had some sort of pregnancy sixth-sense--I mean, he was hardly even inside the closing doors when he noticed me, and I was half-way into the car! He immediately shamed the entire row of people sitting in front of me, chastising them for not giving up their seat to a pregnant lady (when in fairness to them, they really wouldn't have known). They looked so sheepish! So, that's my experience on the #6 train. I have a NY subway fairy.

Thinking of you

2009-11-14T21:02:00.001-05:00

My heart is broken for one of my bloggy friends who just received some devastating news. I know she wants to lay low for awhile. I am thinking about her often and only wish I had some true solace to offer her.

Older Men and mystique of the Single Mom

2009-11-11T10:37:00.004-05:00

Funny. Within the past week two older men have gotten REALLY into my pregnancy. By which I mean they are just so curious they can hardly contain themselves. And they haven't. Contained themselves.

So in my job I report to a Board, and these are 2 Board members and probably not insignificantly to the ego that is about to follow, they are both surgeons. What I find really interesting is they want to know all about the man who donated (which of course I don't reveal, and would rather not even talk about ... but the questions keep coming). Last night, this man actually said to me "Well, why didn't you ask me? If you want good genes that is." (READ: I am now projecting my ego onto you, and wondering why every younger woman doesn't ask me for my sperm). The major question both wanted answered was, "So, do you EVER want to get married?" (READ: Please, please don't tell me that men like me are completely unnecessary. Because we're not. We're really really necessary, right?) I do think it's funny that both just assumed that I chose mommyhood OVER marriage....the assumption being that had I wanted to be married I could've just snapped my fingers and found the perfect mate.

I will say both seemed utterly intrigued. They just wanted more and more information. I still haven't figured out quite how to deal with all the questions, probably because I don't expect that most people will actually have the nerve to ask them.

What I'm kind of enjoying, really, is the reactions that people who barely even know me have about my pregnancy. It doesn't offend me (well, maybe, sometimes a little). It's mostly just amusing. I think the worst thing one of them said was "WELL, I HOPE the baby is healthy because otherwise, you know, ...[didn't finish sentence]". That was just rude.

Pics of Fitzwilliam

2009-10-31T10:00:00.007-04:00

Long post. Two weeks of catch-up. Things are pretty darn good. Had my level II ultrasound a week ago Thursday... and here is my little one in the scary, alien-like view that is ultrasound technology.

All is well! He's measuring one day off, and he's average size, which is great for me....The next picture is the one that really made me laugh. You see, my family has these really flat, funny looking feet. Poor boy...I think he got them. And doesn't this look strangely lanky and runner-like? (the better to kick mommy). And btw, I am REALLY feeling him now!

I went to the appointment with my friend Ms M., who I am thinking will be my back-up for hospital / chauffeur duty when I go into labor. My hope is that my mom is here for that, but she lives in the south, and I live in the northeast, so the best laid plans may not be the best laid plans. I've been renting a few dvds on childbirth, etc. It's funny, when I first got pregnant I was so terrified of pretty much anything, I thought I would definitely be getting all the meds etc etc. The more comfortable I get with being pregnant and with my body in this state, the more I hope for a natural birth. I would like to give birth in a birth center (still located in the hospital), but there are some logistical problems, mainly with my OB and the practice I go to. I'm starting to not like my OB practice. My OB is great, but the practice is enormous, and it doesn't feel very personal. There are midwives on staff, but they don't attend births unless the birth happens during "regular business hours." Isn't that strange? If I had known how I would feel about that 4 months ago, I may have gone with a different practice. But now, it seems hard, and stressful, to go somewhere new in the middle of everything.

I am hoping that having a doula will help, but I also think that I would really like to work with a midwife, too.

Some more bullets

I just got back from 4 days in NYC for work. Even under normal circumstances, it is an exhausting week (it's a convention in my field, happens every year). I did great the first day (and even splurged in the evening to see Jude Law play Hamlet on Broadway. Yay). But the second day I had a major physical meltdown! I think I had some kind of blood sugar drop and just exhaustion. I had to return to my hotel and lay still for several hours. It was somewhat scary, but it made me realize just how important it is to eat frequently while traveling, even when I'm not hungry, and to GET COMFIER SHOES. I think I've decided not to take the quick trip to Vienna that I had been pondering over Thanksgiving. It's just not worth going if I can't see and do everything I want to do, and after this week, I'm thinking my body doth protest.

A colleague in NY was SO RUDE! She fits the profile of the type of person who thinks somehow that they deserve to know the most intimate details about my pregnancy (because of some kind of perceived closeness between us, which frankly does not exist). Anyway, in front of several other colleagues she said, "OK JO, SPILL THE BEANS." Me:, "um, what do you mean?" her: "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN." me: "Are you referring to the fact that I am pregnant but not in a relationship?" her: "YEA, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS?" (can you believe she asked that??) me:"um, well, YES...", and hoping to close the subject there. But no!! her: "DOES HE KNOW?" This is when I got flustered: I couldn't believe she was pushing it!! So I definitely didn't say it how I would've said it had I been more calm...I could've just said "go suck it," but instead I said something about how I asked a friend to help me and everything's cool blah blah. WHAT an extreme bitch! Excuse me, but really?? She even said "C (close friend of mine who she works with) WOULDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING", as if C is somehow some kind of traitor to her, rather than being a very good friend of mine who is respecting my privacy! Unbelievable!!

Got the H1N1 vaccine. I had absolutely no qualms whatsoever about getting it.

My belly is getting bigger. It's pulling. AND, I SEPARATED MY STOMACH MUSCLES. Diastisis Recti. My PT mentioned this to me so casually, but it took me 5 minutes to digest what she was telling me. Um, excuse me? My stomach muscles have WHAT? SEPARATED? I have always been really very proud of my stomach, and in fact one of the reasons this may have happened to me is that I trained myself over many years to use my stomach muscles a lot, rather than my back or legs, to move myself from laying flat to sitting up, etc. Which is how you get Diastisis Recti. And thank you, yes, people have said that pregnant ladies should get out of bed by turning on their sides, but honestly it may have sunk in a bit more if they said "IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF BED BY TURNING ON YOUR SIDE, YOUR STOMACH MUSCLES WILL SEPARATE." Yea, that would've worked. Goodbye, old body.

The Weirdness of Normal Life

2009-10-24T10:08:00.004-04:00

Basically, normal life for me is no longer normal life. That is, the life of a carefree single gal is somewhat over. And I don't say that in a nostalgic way. I've been wanting that stage of my life to be over for quite. some. time. But it's still kinda weird to be in a transitional stage.

Take going out on the town. I haven't done it much since getting pregnant, partially because of the extreme fatigue of the 1st trimester, followed by the extreme work commitment of the first month of my 2nd trimester. Well things are somewhat back to normal now, and I've had a few social engagements just like the old ones...which include such things as sitting in loud bars full of drinking folks, standing around at gallery openings, and dinners. I've found that I feel a strange kind of outsider-ness, but it's different from the outsider-ness of being the 38 year old single gal. Its more that my interior life has changed, and the casual 'catch-ups' with friends ("how are you feeling?" etc) don't really seem to do the trick. I need talking, lots and lots more talking about MY PREGNANCY, MY BABY. But who wants to listen to that all night at a bar? I have so much to think about and no way to really share it in a way that feels adequate to me. My therapist is helping; my "first time moms" group, which started last week, might help. This is the first time I've ever said this, or really ever thought it, but I can see why it would be comforting to have a partner-in-crime during this time, since there isn't anyone else who would be experiencing the journey quite as much as that person.

Yea. I've been feeling a bit lonely this week. Social engagements actually make it worse.

On the other hand, how could I feel lonely when I FELT FITZWILLIAM KICKING for the first time this week!? I thought I felt a flicker last week. But then on Wednesday I laid down in bed and I decided I really needed to pay attention (a lot of people say it feels like gas...which means I definitely could've had kicking for awhile now but not known what I was feeling. heh.). Oh. my. goodness. He was there. He was SO there. Punch. Punch. Boom. Hit the bladder (oh!). Then he moved kind of to the center of my tummy and I just felt this big, hard bump there. Hello my sweet little boy! Mommy loves you!! Oh, my god. How goddamn amazing.

Traveling, and the list

2009-10-17T10:14:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm slogging through my options for maternity leave. Not sure how I will do it, but I'm still planning on taking at least 4-1/2 months. I wrote a pointed letter to the head of HR and cc'd the president of the college (it's a small college--he knows me) about the situation, arguing that they should have offered some kind of supplementary disability insurance at the time they canceled the previous benefits package. Which they should have. Because, get this, they ARE going to offer supplementary insurance, but in January...and guess what, I will be ineligible because of the "preexisting condition" of pregnancy. So I think I have a good argument that they've let me fall through the cracks and should re-instate my previous benefits. We shall see.

My colleague had her surgery; it went well but of course the real question is what the result of the biopsy will be. It's been very hard to see her go through this.

I am just focusing on the MANY things that, it seems, need to be done before the baby arrives! It has turned into a large, endless list. My problem is that I am really such a planner, so I feel like I need to have the nursery entirely done, the gear all purchased, not to mention all that other stuff like hiring a doula, devising a birth plan (deciding what that birth plan entails), finding a pediatrician, finding someone to take me to the hospital (yes, single girls, that's a douzy), etc. I mean, all of it is fun stuff, I'm not complaining. And goodness knows baby Fitzwilliam* will survive if he doesn't have a baby bjorn the instant he's born, but still...it keeps me occupied.

Last weekend I painted the nursery. Will post pictures when it's done!

And then, one more thing. Need advice! I found out this week that I have the opportunity to go to Vienna over Thanksgiving! I am definitely inclined to go. I've been feeling great; I will still be just shy of my third trimester; I'm going to a very efficient first-world country with good health care, etc. The doc says it's fine, but I still wonder why I am hesitating? Something about being close to home during pregnancy feels good. But wouldn't I rather tell Fitzwilliam* that I spent his 6th month on a trip to Vienna, rather than being too timid to take the trip because I am pregnant? Lots of couples take last minute trips before baby, don't they? But I will be alone (it's a research trip for work). I don't mind traveling alone, but it's kind of different this time. The doc did suggest I wear a mask on the plane. Yep, I'll be one of those. I am a bit nervous about H1N1. Looks like the vaccine won't be out by then (would be interested to hear if others are planning on getting vaccinated).

Ok, then, time to check things off my list.

*Fitzwilliam Darcy. The hero of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and my pet name for baby boy.

Stressful news

2009-10-09T21:20:00.003-04:00

This week things got kind of stressful. Thank god I've been feeling ok physically because the emotional stress was really bad.

First, I met with HR and confirmed the abysmal maternity leave policies of my employer. Well, actually, every employer in the US. This country is truly barbaric when it comes to maternity leave policies. 6 weeks at 60% pay and thereafter unpaid? Not so easy for a single mom. My workplace used to pay 100% (which is actually very unusual) but changed the policy last July (yep, just when I got preggers) because of the financial crisis. It's just depressing. But I've decided that I will still take as much time as possible, even if it means asking to borrow money from family members or going into my savings. I will never get this time back with my newborn child. I'm not taking him to daycare at 6 weeks (hell no). I think I can stretch to about 4-1/2 months if I cash in on sick time, vacation, and a maybe a loan or two. Of course I would like to have even more than that.

I wish I lived in England. Or Canada. Or France. New moms have it really good there.

The second source of stress is that my supervisor at work received the terrifying news that there is a mass in her lungs. She's going into surgery next week and will be out for 6 weeks. It's extremely scary, and the first word that comes to mind is cancer, of course. Which means this could be just the beginning of her trials. She is someone I care about--a lot--and the thought is truly horrifying. She is only about 55, with a child in her last year of college.

In addition to the emotional stuff, this adds other stresses to my life because I will be heading the department in her absence. I need to keep a pact with myself that I will say no to extra work if I need to. I really can't be overdoing things, and I MUST take the best possible care of myself. (I am writing this down as a kind of contract, because I am REALLY bad at saying no at work).

Yep, it was one of those weeks when things didn't seem quite so easy.

Evolved people

2009-10-04T09:44:00.003-04:00

It's interesting to me that I've been so SURPRISED at the generally very positive reactions that the "wider world" has had to my pregnancy. This tells me something about myself. Deep down I am so very very concerned with what people think of me. Even though I've often taken my own path in life, that path has always been very socially acceptable because it has involved achievements of the sort that people respect. This is definitely the most radically against-the-social-norm thing I have ever done, or ever will do. And in some ways, the "coming out" was very traumatic for me. Now that I've seen how accepting everyone is, I feel great, but also kind of embarrassed with myself that others' approval meant so much to me. I wonder if I would have TTC much, much earlier if I could have just let go of that?

Now, I'm kind of enjoying the fact that people might be whispering about me behind my back. I guess it makes me feel special and interesting, instead of the social pariah I thought it would! I'm sure there is whispering, because I haven't told the general world the 'circumstances' of my pregnancy. I don't feel that it's anyone else's business---that's between me and my baby. The amazing thing is that NOT ONE PERSON HAS EVEN ASKED. They have been so accepting. When I began to tell my boss about the donor (she was the only one I was going to tell), she actually kind of stopped me and said it was none of her business, that she is just so happy for me. Isn't the amazing? People are so much more evolved that I expected. I've also been immediately accepted into the mommyhood fold. It's so interesting; almost like people now consider me an adult, or something!

As far as physically, I've been feeling quite good. I wouldn't say that I'm bursting with energy, but I seem to be able to rise to the occasion when I really need to. I've been quite focused at work and feel well, sometimes even feeling like I'm not pregnant (except for those rubber bands currently being used to hold my pants closed). Pregnancy has been easy for me so far on the physical side, but more of a mental and emotional battle than I expected.

Finally, I miss my mom terribly. She's been on a trip to Europe for the last two weeks, and I absolutely can't stand it! She is such an important part of this journey. I've started to really scheme about how I can get her to take an apartment in my town for a few months a year when the baby comes...of course, yes, I still have my dad to deal with, who would completely nix that idea. So I'm wondering what other ways we can devise to spend more time together with my baby.

The Big Reveal

2009-09-22T20:46:00.003-04:00

This could be a very long update post. I'll try to keep it simple.

1. Last week was the major professional milestone that I've been working toward for 3 years. Everything went off smashingly well! I appeared in front of over 100 people on opening night (wearing a empire waist dress to hide the increasingly bulging belly). My family was in town. It was all a good good time.

2. Family in town (parents, bro, sister in law) was SO NICE. God, I wish they lived closer. We worked on cleaning out the 2nd bedroom, converting it from a guest room to a nursery. I bought a crib!! It is a beautiful Pali crib that I got second hand for an absolute steal. It's adorable. I will post pictures once I get everything the way I like it. Mom/Grandma is going to make the nursery linens.

3. Pregnancy privileges. This was the first weekend I got any. Having family around helps. My family has never been a baby-ing type family. But last weekend they treated me like a delicate little flower and let me tell you I WAS LAPPING IT UP. Bringing me chairs. Tip-toeing around the house so that I could sleep in. A nice, but fleeting feeling. The only negative so far about doing this alone is the lack of consistent pampering. :)

4. I TOLD WORK! The day after my event, I told my boss, my uber-boss, and then gradually the rest (although now I'm ready for the rumor mill to begin---I can't tell every last person for goodness sakes). It's been AMAZING. I must admit I had some rather irrational fears about the awkward questions and disapproving looks. Let me tell you---ALL irrational. My colleagues have been nothing but excited, supportive, thrilled, and, well, adult about it. I think they all realize that it's none of their damn business how or why I did what I did. Their business is to be supportive and happy for me. It helps that I work in a place run predominantly by women, most of whom are mothers. There will be a large shower!

5. The more people you tell, the more you learn of other people who have become SMCs. A few of my colleagues of all ages have SMC friends. People also reflect on their own experiences and say wonderful things about how special their own relationship with their children has been. It's all incredibly encouraging and touching.

It feels wonderful to be "out" to the world.

Hitting the "mother"lode

2009-09-07T12:40:00.004-04:00

Thanks for all the comments recently. Yes, my grandfather does use email! He's been doing so for about 10 years. Very impressive. I think it takes up a lot of his time on a daily basis, which is really a good thing. More lovely thoughts continue to stream in from near and distant family members. Strangely, the only big hole in all the congratulations is my sister in law, who hasn't said word one. But why worry about one when everyone else is so happy? And I'm feeling so much better about the BOY coming into my life. It did take about a week of sadness, but I've come to see all the wonderful things about having a boy!

My mom suggested I check out some of the Labor Day yard sales for baby gear. Since I'm having the baby in March, there won't be a lot of yard sales closer to the date! Oh...my...goodness, but did I hit the motherlode (literally and figuratively). I cruised around the upscale part of town and there was a couple with two young kids moving out of their enormous Victorian. They had absolutely everything--the best stuff and in great condition. I didn't want to go too crazy...but I did get a Mac.laren stroller, a Gra.co pack and play, a bouncy thing, a "my breast friend" nursing pillow, and three books I'd been wanting for a mere $40. They also had a beautiful P.ali crib (a brand I hadn't even heard of, but they made it seem quite special), which I am thinking over. Not sure what the decor of the nursery is yet, so can't buy everything I see!

In the process of stopping by couples-with-young-children yard sales and revealing my pregnant status, I felt like I was immediately indoctrinated into some kind of mommy "club." Suddenly it was all smiles and girlfriend conversations. I found it slightly bizarre.

I've spent the weekend cleaning and starting to "conceptualize" (i.e. clean out) the nursery. I can already tell....I'm going to need a bigger place. I'm not even close to what would qualify as a pack-rat--in fact, I'm pretty good at paring down since I've moved so often in my life--and yet all of my closets are already full. All that new baby stuff I bought? Takes up half the room. If I can get through the pre-school years in this place it might be just about time for the market to rebound and to sell my place and move to somewhere with at least a 3rd bedroom.

97 years of wisdom

2009-08-30T09:29:00.006-04:00

I just have to post this. I think this it is the sweetest note I have ever received.

My mom wanted to wait to tell my grandparents until after the CVS (yes--I still have TWO living grandparents--my mother's parents--ages 97 and 95). They live clear across the country and I do not see them nearly enough. My mom decided to email them the news, because they have trouble understanding things on the phone sometimes. This is the message I received this morning over email (written by my grandpa, I'm sure).

"I got yesterdays mail today and it had wonderful news. We have seen pictures of you with Andy's babies and realize your love. You will be an excellent mother and this will fill a void in your life. We are glad you made the decision and are looking forward to another grand child. We send our love. Grandma and Grandpa"

I can't tell you what this means to me. Having family support is THE most important thing (and actually feeling that support has been something I've come to really treasure on a daily basis). I never thought my 90+ grandparents would understand, and yet this email shows that they understand on the simplest, most basic level. And what else is there, really, but love? To have a 97 year-old person express that to me means everything.

RESULTS are in

2009-08-29T08:39:00.005-04:00

Well the preliminary (99% accurate) results from the CVS are in, and baby has the perfect 46 chromosomes, so no indication of Down's. Thank god! I had a pretty awful day yesterday waiting for the phone call. The test itself was uneventful--other than the fact that it felt like I was being lanced with a spear, but not as painful. It felt wrong, just wrong. But the doctor was great and I'm so thankful to have the answer I was hoping for.

And....

I am having A BOY!!

I had a feeling all along that it would be a boy! Here I'm going to admit something and hopefully never dwell on it again. Yes, deep down I was hoping for a girl. One of the things that drove me to this pregnancy was the desire to re-create the wonderful, loving relationship that I have with my mother. Obviously, having a girl is something familiar, and therefore not quite as scary to me.

Thus hearing the final news (even though I had mother's intuition) that baby is, indeed, a little XY has hit me harder than I expected. I know that this is not how I am supposed to feel! I love him dearly (he was bopping around like a jelly bean on the ultrasound---soooo adorable). But what has surfaced again is a bit more fear than I expected. Can I be a good single mom to a boy? Will it be harder for him to not have a dad than it would be for a girl, and will I know how to shepherd him through those hard times? Will we have the same kind of connection that I've been craving between a mother and a daughter? Does anyone have any answers?? :)

I just need to process this. I haven't had a "him" in my life (besides my cat!) for quite some time! Will I be able to find role models for him? Will he learn how to be a man in our society without a constant male figure around?

And now I also think: will I never have a daughter? I always hoped that I would have a daughter in my life, yet at this point, and under the current circumstances, I don't think I will. There is something to mourn there for me. I feel quite sad, actually.

Somehow it feels wrong for me to admit some of these things, but I feel I need to get them out before I can move on with the beautiful life that is growing inside me.

Feeling fantastic!

2009-08-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

Ok, I'm still feeling very pregnant, but in a fabulous kind of way. Week 10 was a doozy: nausea, nausea, and absolute utter fatigue. But then last Tuesday, on the tail end of week 10, I woke up feeling kind of...normal. Well, as normal as one can feel when she's starting to burst a bit out of her pants. But I mean not as fatigued. And with food--normal again. For the last two months I've been absolutely ravenous for anything carb-ish. Pizza, bread...bread...bread, and gooey, cheesy things. I made myself drink vegetable juice but it was hard. This week...I actually began to crave vegetables again! Leafy salads! This is much more "normal" for me, as I've always been a healthy eater. My brain feels a bit more clear and I have more energy. Second trimester is just around the corner, so hopefully this is really the 'golden age' of pregnancy that all the books tell you about.

I had my first doctor's visit--everything is great. Next week is the CVS. We couldn't schedule it until week 11, but I decided to do it anyway. I want to have some definites (and yes, I'll also be finding out the sex!). Can't wait! Not one for surprises. I figure I'll have enough surprises in the next few years so waiting to know the sex doesn't have to be one of them.

Emotionally, I also feel very good, except for a couple of teary days last week after I told my brothers. It was weird: telling them was harder than I thought it would be. Even though they were both happy for me and supportive (if extremely surprised!), I think I had put a lot of pressure on myself about how they would feel and react. Clearly, this has something to do with my place in the family (I'm the youngest and the only girl). But once I processed that whole thing I am back to feeling very emotionally GOOD. Dare I say even happier, or more content, than before the pregnancy? I used to have frequent, waking moments in the middle of the night, wondering if I would ever have the things I want in my life. I don't have those anymore. Frankly, it's nice to not be worrying about finding a partner at the moment, too! It's like I have permission to put that aside for awhile and thankfully so. I am still committed to finding a partner in my life, but the pressure is SO off now! In some ways, I feel as if it will be easier and more natural for me post-baby (or rather, in a couple years, when I'm ready to date).

The next big reveal is work. I have a big work milestone in September (the culmination of a 2 year project) for which I am the public face--lots of public lectures, even some press interviews...all that. Not sure if I should reveal before the big event, or after? Is it better to wait as long as possible? I think I could actually hide the pregnancy for quite awhile, maybe until 4 months. But not sure why I should do that...what's the point? I guess I would like to avoid weird public outings, like my director introducing me for a lecture by saying, "and here's Jo, who's a pregnant single lady, to tell you more about such and such!" Ok, that sounds a bit irrational as I write it down.

Nurse Visit and Prenatal Testing

2009-08-01T08:33:00.003-04:00

I had a great nurse visit---she was fantastic! She made me feel so comfortable, didn't blink an eye at my 'situation.' Said everything I need to hear. A real sweetheart. She made me feel comfortable with the OB practice as a whole.

I've decided to do the CVS testing. Both the nurse and the doctor said many reassuring things about the benefits vs the risks. There is one doctor who does it at the hospital and they say his success rate (by which I mean procedures accomplished without miscarriage), is way way higher than the national average. He basically does CVS and amnio all day long. We do have really good health care in this state, because of a great university hospital. Yay for that. So that will all be happening some time during my 10th or 11th week, about 2 weeks from now. I feel good about it.

I told a friend about my pregnancy, someone who recently had twins. She was SO happy for me--it felt great. Then she said: "one of my best friends did that, and it's the thing that's made her happiest in her life." Oh. my. goodness. What a lovely thing to say.

Off to a camping trip this weekend (rain rain stay away).

First Ultrasound!

2009-07-28T06:34:00.002-04:00

My life changed yet again yesterday. How many times can one's life change in a 2 month period? :)

I saw my little bean on the screen. He (for some reason, I tend to use "he") is 1.3 cm long. Perfect! The exact right size for his age. And there's only him. No brother or sister (a relief). And a very strong heartbeat. Hearing that was definitely a tear-inducing moment.

I called my mom and she was actually excited and joyful for the first time! She's been holding back a bit on me until now. It was sweet.

Went to dinner at my dear friend Maya's and she and her husband had another couple over, friends of mine, not close, and their 2-1/2 month old! It was a precious evening. I asked the father how they were holding up. Can you believe what he said? "Taking care of baby isn't hard...you know what's harder? The negotiations between the two of us adults! Everything's turned into a negotiation! It's exhausting."

Wasn't that the most perfect thing for him to say to me, the future single mom? Of course he has no idea. Love it!

I feel so blessed.

More joy

2009-07-25T09:53:00.005-04:00

Don't know why, but the call of the blog has left me somewhat. I think I still feel somewhat at a loss for words (which I rectify below)! And it's too early to start blogging about baby gear (although I break my own rule, below). Viability still not certain (ultrasound Monday!). And I'm still dealing with some very complex emotions.

Today I feel wonderful (emotionally). Excited and joyful. I even, I admit, began to troll the IKEA children's website. Am pondering the thought of a bassinet. Wow!!

This is quite a change from Wednesday, when I felt totally freaked out. So, you see, it changes daily!

Physically, I've been really ok. Very little nausea. Monster appetite! In bed by 9 pm. Seriously. Yesterday I felt like muck at work (mostly just fatigue). But really doing well.

I've begun seeing a therapist, a specialist on maternal mental health. For one thing, I think it's important, with the lack of a partner, to have someone following my emotions throughout this journey. The "talky talk" is already helping...there are many issues (you name it--how often will donor daddy see the child? how will I tell my boss? will I ever date again? will it be possible, some day, to just feel normal? a normal member of society?)

That last one is an interesting one. I think the answer is YES. And the baby will help that. This year is going to be the tough one---the questions, while prego and while the baby is still in diapers. After that, no one blinks an eye about a single mom, do they? One of the things that's become so clear is that this NEW CHAPTER (and that's an understatement) in my life will be such an amazing learning experience. And I've always been extremely bored when I'm not learning new things. Granted, it's a different type o' learning than my PhD...but this type of learning I can only imagine will give me a whole new perspective on the world, on my life. It's something I welcome with open arms. Heaven knows, it's what I've been yearning for.

I also imagine that, when I finally get out of the house, baby will open a whole new world socially for me. The world of my peers. I know that I will find many cohorts among the moms and dads of young children out there who I never meet. So I'm starting to see this as an opportunity to expand my life in so many numerous ways.

See, I'm getting there! The shock of first-time-success is starting to slowly wear off. (Don't think I'll ever quite get over that surprise though!) Baby will be hearing that story. ("Baby, you REALLY were sick of waiting around!")

So, testing. I'm going to ask for the CVS (early) test for chromosonal abnormalities. I hope they let me do that. Not sure how it all works. Will learn more on Monday! My dear friend Maya is going with me to the appointment.

Feeling.....anxious? Why anxious?

2009-07-08T20:14:00.006-04:00

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. Your enthusiasm means a lot!

My shock and surprise at such early success (the credit for which must go to my donor's supernova sperm!) has undoubtedly led to the litany of feelings I've been experiencing. I still can't believe it. It feels strange to admit, but not all of my feelings are completely deliriously happy ones. I've had A LOT of anxiety. Gut wrenching anxiety. I really think and hope that this is normal. I'm a realist, at heart, and I know that what I am doing is going to be hard, very hard, and change my life forever. It's something I've been wanting (obviously!), but I still can't seem to stem the anxiety! The problem is that I'm a bit of an over-planner, so I find myself trying to visualize exactly what my life will be like, when I can't, really. What I should be visualizing is what it will feel like to look into my baby's eyes for the first time. Tell that to my overactive mind.

(My mother told me that parenthood is all about anxiety---get used to it).

I have nine months to process all of it. And believe me, in my case, it seems like nine months is a very necessary transitional period. It still doesn't feel quite real.

Yep, I have morning sickness and lots and lots of symptoms. None are overwhelming---I seem to be able to overcome the nausea by about noon every day (breakfast just AIN'T an enjoyable experience). It returns again just a little bit in the evenings. And tonight I'm super tired. Lower back pain; sore boobs. All the standards. It's quite a trip to not know what your body might do the next day!

My OB office is pretty hands off so far (and I've had very little contact so far, since I went the home-remedy route)! No betas even. My first appointment is an ultrasound July 27 (week 7) for "dating and viability." Until then I'm stocking up on books and trying to eat right and talking a lot to close friends who are in on the secret.

Really, I'm so excited, when I let myself not worry! I spent the weekend at my parents' (two very traditional people who took the news admirably well) and I came back with two adorable stuffed animals that my mom had sewn for me when I was a little girl. Winnie the Pooh, and Eeyore. They're now in my second bedroom, holding a place, waiting to be squeezed and hugged by little arms.

How life can change in an instant

2009-07-02T09:53:00.002-04:00

Oh my god.

Yesterday morning, I got a positive.

I was so surprised, I could barely breathe. Surprise seems to be the overwhelming emotion at the moment. I am waiting for the shock to wear off so that the other, better emotions can flow in!

And this morning, the morning sickness began!

Ladies, I don't even know what to say!

Not a happy camper

2009-06-30T09:53:00.003-04:00

Ok, I'm chillin' until Thursday, or maybe Friday (?), when I'll try HPT #2. I'm leaving tomorrow for the family reunion. How awkward that I'll be testing in the bathroom I'll be sharing with my parents. Not holding out a lot of hope. Absolutely 0 symptoms other than the release from mid-cycle cramping.

I called my mom yesterday and really whopped her with a big one. I was upset about the BFN and wanted to tell her. The thing is, I hadn't told her that I had started trying in earnest, so it was a big surprise for her, the whole thing. She struggled quite a bit and said something really annoying, which she says every time we discuss single motherhood. "It will be hard." Yea, well, I understand it will be fucking hard. I don't understand why she can't just be excited for me like all of my lovely, supportive friends. I mean I do understand...she was put on the earth to worry about me. I hate that I still crave comfort and support from my parents, when they really have so little to do with my life at this point, and they so RARELY deliver on that front. It almost never fails that when I seek support I end up feeling worse afterwards. Clearly, I'm a masochist.

Therefore, not looking forward to the family reunion. Especially because it has become kind of a yearly marker for me, along with Christmas and my birthday. Every year I think to myself "Maybe next year, I'll have a...(fill in the blank with) relationship or child." I have a REALLY horrible cousin who always asks me about my love life in front of everyone at the table. I've decided this year I will ask him about his hair transplants.

Speaking of camping, I somehow agreed to 2 nights of camping with my bro, sis in law, and 2 nephews (3 and 1). Should be interesting!

Yeah...no.

2009-06-29T07:48:00.003-04:00

The test this morning was a definite negative. I probably tested too early, but I still don't hold much hope for this cycle.

Now I will proceed to obsess over why I didn't have my mid-cycle cramps this cycle. I wonder if perhaps I never ovulated at all. See, doing this "blind" will lead to these questions.

It's hard having one's hopes dashed. Is that just the understatement of the year, or what?

I guess I'll be drinking at the family reunion. Good ole' spinster aunty Jo makes her appearance, once again.

Fingers and Toes Crossed

2009-06-28T07:41:00.007-04:00

I definitely wouldn't call it obsessing, but I have decided I can't wait much longer and will take my first POAS test tomorrow (Monday) morning (11dpo).

I feel GREAT, actually. By which I mean really even-keeled, full of energy, happy. I wouldn't call this a symptom, although some months at this time I'm really edgy...Instead, I think it has to do with being thrilled and excited that I've finally DONE SOMETHING. Now I also realize how, once you begin, it becomes something you want so darn keenly....! Daydreams of me holding my infant aren't going to go away.

But I do want to note one "symptom," which isn't so much a symptom of pregnancy as the disappearance of a symptom that I have *every* month accompanying my endometriosis. This is horrible mid-cycle cramping, around CDs 18-21 (post ovu), which only occurs in the middle of the night. I get 10-15 minute "episodes," occurring 2-3 times per night, in which my uterus cramps into a fist. A lovely feeling! No doc has ever been able to explain this to me, but they all attribute it to endo. It's like clockwork. Since going off the pill last year, I have not had one cycle without these cramps.

So...this cycle, I haven't had any of these mid-cycle cramps. It's currently CD24.

Heh. I've read about the body producing progesterone in early pregnancy, which keeps the uterus from cramping. But let's just pretend I didn't write that. Getting one's hopes up is not advised.

Practical things keep us busy!

2009-06-20T09:35:00.005-04:00

Well, I'm all inseminated up and ready for the big TWW. I feel strangely calm about the whole thing! My main focus right now is to think about what things I should be cutting out and changing in my life. I started weening myself from my daily glass of wine about 2 weeks ago...caffeine, not so much. One cup a day.

One of the things that I obsess over is how I would clean the darn cat-box while/if I'm pregnant. You know, the whole toxoplasmosis thing. And being the only one in the house and all. I'm sure I'm an overworrier, since my cat is essentially an indoor cat. But still--seems like if I can avoid inhaling cat litter dust every night, I should. So I totally splurged on the most bizarre appliance you'll ever see---the Catg.en.ie! It is hilarious--it scoopes, washes, and flushes everything from the box and down your toilet all by itself. It's fantastic! Bartleby (also known as Rey de la Casa) is not quite used to it yet, but we're taking it slow.

And today I'm off to get a filter for my kitchen sink. Corresponding with my ttc has been a whole bunch of leaflets about lead in the water. Nice.

The hardest thing by far is the lack of antihistamines. I am dying. Any suggestions?

As for the TWW, I have a good friend's 40th birthday party tonight---big dance party, lots of drinks. I haven't told this particular friend and I'm not planning to (yet), so I'll have to figure that out (since I'm usually heading straight for the bar). Also, I'm supposed to go to my yearly family gathering on 12 dpo (testing day). Could be an interesting family reunion this year!

Off to the hardware store...

When to Test?

2009-06-18T17:05:00.003-04:00

Today I got the big smiley face on my OPK, so it's time for the first home insem. Holy Moly! And Aiy Caramba!

So, I'm a bit slow, internets, and honestly, overwhelmed by all the info out there. When should I do my first pregnancy test if I insem tonight and tomorrow (3 insems)? Would it be a home test (POAS) day 12 after insem? Or should I make a doctor's appointment for a blood test earlier than that?

Life is Fun

2009-06-13T17:43:00.007-04:00

You're not going to believe this.

I met a sweet, interesting, smart, successful, intriguing, dare I say gentlemanly, man.

I have seen him twice in 2 days. It's somewhat lovely. But very new of course.

New, but full of all kinds 'o potential. Not to mention that a relationship with said man offers me the possibility of one of the best summers I've ever had. His whole life revolves around yachting in some of the most beautiful places on earth.

Yea, heh. I almost wish I was kidding. But I'm not.

I just. can't. believe. this. universe. sometimes.

But REEEEEEAAAALLLLLY. A girlfriend who announces she's pregnant a few weeks into the relationship (knock wood) is bound to be a real turn on, right? Sure! Hoist the sails, let's sail to the Caribbean! (as she barfs over the side of the boat).

Ah, life.

CD2 of "The Big Month" !

2009-06-06T09:20:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was CD1!

I met with the midwife last Tuesday. She was a real sweetheart. I am not her usual client. She is most often working for lesbian couples and teaching them how to do their own home IUIs. Since I don't have the option of having a partner to help, she would perform it in her office. Logistically, it's a bit difficult, as my donor has to travel from NY, and the midwife is 40 miles away. It was nice talking with her because of all the successes (including her own pregnancy) performed via home IUI or ICI! Hers in fact was ICI from frozen sperm.

Because of the logistics, and because I feel the need to start slowly (and admittedly, I still harbor some fear about the IUI, given my strange reaction to the HSG last November) I decided to start the easy way and do a home insem for the first cycle. Folks, I know there is a very low chance that this will actually take, but at this point I prefer to remain optimistic. Why shouldn't I?

The midwife is definitely a good option for the future, and waaaaaay cheaper than doctor IUIs. I would have to pay almost $2,000 out of pocket for a doctor IUI (vs. $250 for the midwife). Remember, all, I live in a mandate state where I get 0.00% coverage for any fertility treatments because of my single status. (news flash, there was actually a proposal in the state assembly last week to change this mandate! but it never went to a vote because of assurances that the nazi governor of my state--who's in office for 2 more years--would veto it).

I have been charting my cycle for months now, and I can usually feel when I'm ovulating, too. I'll be using an OPK. My donor has cleared his schedule for the window. This is happening!

And one last thing: has anyone ever heard this little bit of folklore? The midwife mentioned it but then I got this from W.iki "answers" : The X sperm (which are the sperm that make females) live longer than the Y sperm (which are the sperm that make males). However, the Y sperm swim faster, so the chances are equally good that you will get a girl or a boy. If the Y sperm swim fast enough before they die to fertilize the egg, then you'll have a boy. If the Y sperm don't reach the egg before they die, chances are an X sperm will get there shortly, and then you'll have a girl.

The midwife told me that the above explains why people who artifically inseminate have more boys: because they inseminate exactly when they are ovulating, the fast sperm (boy) tends to reach the egg. For those who inseminate (or have intercourse), say, the day or hour or whatever before ovulation, they have a better chance of getting the longer living (girl) sperm.

I never knew that. Do you believe it?

Smug parents

2009-06-01T19:18:00.006-04:00

Have you ever noticed that when your mind is focused on something, the cosmos seems to recognize it, and throws things your way to either challenge or support you?

So in the last two days there was a long story on NPR about how most new parents feel completely incompetent (the story was about new dads, but still). Then, my uber-boss went on a major tangent in a meeting about how she used to take business trips when her kids were young just so she could have some time for herself, followed by a lengthy tangent among all my colleagues chiming in their own stories of same.

Then there are the smug parents (kind of like the smug-marrieds a-la Bridget Jones). I attended a BBQ hosted by some newish friends on Sunday. The kid quotient was very unexpected--at least 15 children under the age of 5! It was chaos, but hilarious. And the parents were nice (most were new acquaintances)--I'm not saying I was treated as a pariah, but there was definitely a bit of smug parent posturing in this particular crowd. And I was feeling great until one woman said to me "Oh, sorry, you were probably expecting a nice, relaxing afternoon, something quiet, right?" What do you say to that? I should have said something like, "Oh, yes, usually I spend my afternoons sipping martinis while having a simultaneous mani- and pedi-." She was probably just trying to be nice, but she ended up skillfully pointing out how different I was from everyone else at the party.

The funniest thing about the day was the tiny little tyke--he must've been about 2 years old, clearly potty-training--who pulled down his pants and started to pee in sight of the entire party. He pointed it directly onto one of the beautifully planted new flowers in the garden. His father was mortified, but it was pretty hilarious. Ah, parenting!

Anyway...there's definitely a part of me that can't wait to surprise them all in a few months (fingers crossed).

Meeting the midwife tomorrow! Will report back.

Jo's Family

2009-05-30T10:03:00.003-04:00

I'm meeting with a midwife next Tuesday. My plan is to use the midwife for live sperm IUI with my known donor.

Saying I'm ready to begin has not been without its fears (several late-night awakenings in somewhat of a panic). I think this must be quite natural. Yes? But every morning when the night terrors have subsided, I am finally able to think to myself that THIS IS the time. A realization, long labored and long time coming, washed over me after my trip to San Francisco. This is me having a family. My own family. I know that sounds kind of...rudimentary...duh...of course it is. But for some reason my "thinking" stage has involved a lot of feelings that what I am doing is about a lack (of husband), a loss (of relationships). I don't really feel like that any more. Or, at least, I think I'm finally over it. This is about my own, sweet, loving, happy little family, one that I am building, one that is as vital and meaningful and wonderful...and legitimate...as anyone else's family.

I hope that makes sense. And when I think about it that way, it is so...amazing. So exciting! It's about plenty rather than lack.

On the money front, I paid off ALL OF MY CREDIT CARDS yesterday. What better time to begin? (note to self: no more visits to TJM.a.xx.)

Happy weekend!!

I Feel Ready

2009-05-25T16:00:00.001-04:00

I feel ready to begin.

First try will be mid June. I'm mid-cycle at the moment.

Gulp!

The New Mommy Group

2009-05-22T12:35:00.004-04:00

I've been on the west coast in my favorite city on an actual real vacation for the last week. It's been great. I realize how much I want to move back out here. Making it happen is another thing altogether. Meanwhile, back at work (while I was conveniently away), layoffs were announced. I am safe, thank god. But a close colleague--who is pregnant--was laid off. It seems very unfair. And I'm sad about it. This, followed by a panicked day or two, where I've realized how INCREDIBLY unprepared I am if I were ever to lose my job. I need to be smarter and better about my finances. A real wake-up call.

Hanging out with my friends and their kids is fun. I've also had a lot of "me" time, and finally, had dinner and drinks with my ex and continuing "potential." Boy, was I in a mood. I think I said absolutely everything I could have possibly wanted to say. Directly. I told him about ttc. So it's all out on the table and FINALLY I think I can move on. Things are not happening between us---I guess I've known this, but I needed to really talk it out and say everything I needed to say. Shew. How many exes do I have, you may ask? Are there any more lurkers who I need to confront before I move on? Guess what? This is it!! It's over!

One of my favorite things to do is sit in a busy cafe in this city, drinking great coffee (maybe a cupcake!) and reading the newspaper. Yesterday, while doing so, I found myself in the midst of a "new mommy" group. I should've left as soon as I realized it (the group grew and grew as I sat there). But I didn't. I guess I was feeling strong and was more curious than anything. Ok, after about 15 minutes I admit I couldn't take it anymore. But I am not bitter---I know that I can have this if I want to. It's just a matter of moving forward with the possibility. So in a way, it was good for me. This process of "thinking" has taken much longer than I expected since last August when I started making plans. But it is what it is.

Ok, one more day of vacation and then back to reality in the world of lay-offs.

I have been bad at commenting but I am still following everyone. Cheers to you all!

We Know Her Well

2009-05-02T11:28:00.002-04:00

I'm done with all the crazy wackiness at work! I now have free time. And yet...not so much to fill it with. The terrible truth of the workaholic.

The thing with 3rd time guy TOTALLY self-combusted. As I should have predicted. As many of my friends predicted. I actually feel relieved. But I'm glad I gave it every effort. I now have no regrets.

I will admit, only to my blogosphere, and now that I have some distance, that I was pushing it almost wholly out of desperation for not being sure about the whole SMC thing. This is what happens. Yes, it's far better to do it alone than with someone who is totally not right for me. I know that, intellectually. But when I get into that state of uncertainty I convince myself of all kinds of crazy wacky things.

I know I'll never end up with the wrong guy, though, for the long term. The reason is that unhappy, unsatisfied Jo is a very unpleasant person. Not many men, not any man, would be able to hang with that. It probably feels somewhat like a never-ending teeth cleaning. Jo, the evil dental hygienist.

Back to the good ole alone Jo. We know her so well.

Taking the Reins

2009-04-19T10:03:00.003-04:00

I've continued to see the guy I'll call John, previously known as third-time-around guy. We see each other about once or twice a month, so it isn't what I'd call hot and heavy. Not a lot of petting, nor sex. So in my opinion, we're just very very casually dating. Nothing else. Think of him as an occasional dinner partner, with flirting.

Of course recently, as might be expected, I decided this was just silly. What the heck could be the point of this, if it isn't building toward something, or becoming more intimate? And so I started to let go entirely. For the third time.

Then a friend told me about another guy who I had dated briefly, a guy who I had been CONVINCED was not looking for anything serious, who was definitely just wanting to date around (according to me), and especially wasn't interested in women his own age (like me), but much younger women....WELL, this guy is getting married. And to a woman his own age. So apparently, I totally wrote that guy off and yea, totally misread the situation. It had nothing to do with the guy's readiness. I didn't even give it a chance. Not that we should or would have ended up together. But it definitely shocked me, and got me to thinking my perceptions may be a little bit off? Perhaps?

So the natural extension of these thoughts was too think...What if I let John go (for the third time), a man who clearly does like me? And what happens when I hear in about a year's time that HE'S getting married? How would I feel?? Definitely. extremely. crappy.

So, yea, I'm starting to think it's good ole' Jo, (that's me), who's the problem here. Why can't I achieve any intimacy with this person, or with ANY man, really, for the last 5 years? Am I still so damaged from my last relationship that I've just turned off, completely?

I'm trying to explore this with John (not that I've shared all of the above with him). I do care about him. But it's hard, so far. He is NOT a talker. Not sure where it's leading. For now, we're going to try to see each other more consistently to at least establish whether or not intimacy is even possible. He is interested in this. In fact, he seems to just be waiting for me to swoop in and take the reins. I'm just not sure if I have it in me to take the reins anymore. But isn't this what I want? A relationship?

I think I need therapy. Sigh.

And, no, this and ttc definitely do not mix. Trying to figure out how/if to talk about it.

Almost Done

2009-04-11T16:24:00.003-04:00

Almost there. This period of all work and no play is almost over! My big deadline for the book is on Wednesday (although there will be some loose ends after that). And 3 more weeks teaching (my 2nd job!), then DONE. I am barely holding on, waiting for this overload of work to be over. Somehow I've made it through, although my sleep patterns are totally off. I don't think I've taken more than 2 or 3 full days off in a row since last October, and that includes weekends. Ugh. I have THREE WEEKS of vacation to take before June 30. Time to start planning that!

After this, I am making a vow to myself to try to find some kind of focus outside of work. [I know, a baby could definitely be a focus.] I feel like I also need another, I dunno, hobby or something. The things that have crossed my mind are...gardening (I have a wilderness of a back yard...a very big project), sailing (join a sailing club), tennis (join a league). I've tried lots of crafts over the years, like knitting, collage, even refinishing furniture, but those things never really felt relaxing to me. More like work. I envy people who have a real focus outside of work, whether it be a club or a charity. Any suggestions??

Gotta go. I have a blind date this evening. I re-joined e.ha.rmon.y after one of their 50% off specials (so expensive). It's absolutely irritating on so many levels--too many to go into--but every now and then an interesting man comes along. We'll see if he holds up outside of cyber land. The key to internet dating: have very few expectations. Not that I'm a pro---never really had a success story.

Back on the Bandwagon

2009-03-25T21:01:00.003-04:00

Back from my trip to California.

I have some truly amazing friends there. I talked extensively with my two closest girlfriends about my plans. Both of them are new mothers. Both are in relationships. They couldn't be more supportive of my plans. In fact, they are actively encouraging me with all their hearts. And the stories! One tried to describe to me what it was like the first time she held her son. This is someone who wasn't sure she wanted children until just recently. Tears all 'round. The other told me how her 1-1/2 year old girl cupped her face between her hands after mommy stubbed her toe and asked, "mommy o-tay?" More tears. The intensity of their love and connection to their children was so evident, and so wonderful. They are two of the people I love most in the world, so it was incredibly moving.

It was different from the other talks I've had with friends and family. Those talks usually amount to me convincing myself I can do it, met by the usual "it will be hard, but you can do it," questions, practicalities. But these friends didn't even consider the practicalities (it was nice). To them, there was no question that I would adapt to the situation and that, obviously, whatever I had to do was completely and totally worth it.

One of my friends is having a difficult time in her marriage. She has said to me many times that a relationship doesn't necessarily make you feel less alone as a parent.

Internets, I'm getting there. I'm going to be back on the ttc bandwagon very soon.

Oh, and I had a date with my ex in California. It is very clear that things are going nowhere unless we happen to live closer together at some point. Makes sense, obviously. And now I know. I can move on.

38, surprised and proud

2009-03-08T12:55:00.002-04:00

In the past two weeks, things have gotten really weird at work. Basically, it's the same story as most places at the moment. It started with a call for belt-tightening. Then, after the board meeting, pending layoffs were announced. This is not something I thought I would ever be confronted with. This moment in our history is so surprising...and even those of us who planned out our lives in a deliberate, practical way--never took risks, never spent egregiously beyond our means, entered a seemingly stable field, didn't buy a ridiculously overpriced mortgage--will be affected.

Sigh. I don't think I will be laid-off (knock on wood); but I do fear that something will happen to make my financial circumstances less palatable. The most likely scenario is a permanent reduction of hours or even a pay-cut, and reduction of benefits. All would be bad, but not as bad as losing my job altogether. If it's a reduction in hours, one less day at work is one less day of daycare, and one more day with a child. Looking at it that way, it almost seems nice.

My natural inclination is to start looking for another job. But everyone in this situation right now is presented with the same problems: few jobs, and, on top of that, real estate that is not going to sell. Moving would be a bitch under those circumstances. Wow, do I feel stuck. Who would've ever thought buying real estate would be a BAD move? It's a whole new world.

So I am waiting--we won't know the decisions for at least a month. I know that I will be losing many valued colleagues. It's going to be hard. For the moment, denial is working well. I hosted my own birthday party last night (yes--38 was last Tuesday). It was a fantastic time. Last spring, I set out to answer several questions by 38, and I realize I've answered almost all of them. I revisited two exes, one of whom became my donor. Another of them is still on the table (this is SF man, who I will see in 2 weeks). I also looked seriously into single motherhood. These were all must-dos. So I guess I should be proud.

Cheers everyone!

Exciting and Not So Exciting

2009-02-21T10:33:00.004-05:00

Well, I have three of 'my ladies,' that is, my online ttc ladies, who are currently in a tww. This is very exciting and I would say that March is a very auspicious month...crossing fingers, ladies!

I don't have a huge amount to post about, as I continue to be working my fingers to the bone. This period of having-no-life work will end in late April....so I'm just holding on until then. Unfortunately my body starts to react to the stress. The worst of the worst is the insomnia. Last week I got 3 or 4 hours of sleep on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. It's pretty much hell...when you know you have so much to do the next day and yet cannot get to sleep. I've tried myriad drugs, over the counter ones (I can't take A.mbien--it freaks me out and makes me whacky). The following do not put me to sleep (but succeed in making me very groggy the next day): T.ylenol Pm, Actifed (it used to work), even muscle relaxers. No dice. I finally tried good ole' natural Mel.atonin last night and got 10 hours. Thank you lord. This is my new best friend.

Strangely, I am pretty functional (although not very cheerful--or pretty) on very little sleep. Maybe I'm practicing for a little one! ?

So, yea, this is what I've been focusing on. Not very exciting, is it? However, the end result of all this work will be a beauoooootiful exhibition and BOOK ! I can't wait to share it!

Social life is a bit off. I had a weird falling out with a friend recently (nothing major, more of mutual moving on from the friendship). However, moving on from one friendship significantly decreases my social life. So my closest friend in town and I decided to take action. We pooled our address books for all those women we've met and thought "I'd like to get to know her better" and started organizing drinks and other events (my friends is really more the organizer, thank god). Tomorrow we're doing a very Sex & the City-style brunch with some new lady friends. It's always good to make new friends, and it makes you realize that there are always interesting people out there if you try. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to cross over to males, at least not in my town, and at least not yet. Numerous address book searches don't seem to uncover any interesting males who would like to go to drinks or brunch.... sigh.

Signing off, cheers !

Swimmers Humor?

2009-02-15T15:57:00.002-05:00

My donor is a really self-effacing, shy kind of guy, and it took him a little while to get up the nerve to talk to his doctor about being a donor and get his stuff analyzed. So I've been waiting around kind of patiently, I hope, and I finally got the news Friday. His doctor, with whom he seems to have a hilarious, friendly relationship, left the following message--transcribed verbatim--on his phone.

"Hi pkd. This is Dr. soandso, how are you? Um, we have your 2emen analysis report and I’m happy to tell you that you have the largest volume of schpuze that I have seen in a long time. You are quite the stud, and your volume was 6.7 milliliters—anything over 2 is normal, so you’re more than three times the normal, sort of, schpuze amount; and your, um, concentration is, um, 154 million per milliliter—20 is considered normal. Your 2perm count is over a million, when 40 would do. And 59% of these guys are wiggling—normal’s 50, but I think the other 41% can’t wiggle so well because… they’re crowded.

"Anyway, um, so I think that you are probably incredibly fertile, and anyone would be really lucky to have your 2perm. Okay? So that is my distinct medical opinion. And if you need a copy of this 2emen analysis report just call my office and we would be glad to send it off to you. Okay? Maybe you should frame it. Bye."

Funny, yes? This probably made my very unassuming pkd's year--and why not? He deserves a manly boost of confidence for all his efforts.

The Shining

2009-02-01T16:41:00.009-05:00

Hey there! I am feeling so much better than I did about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Thanks for everyone's kind and supportive thoughts.

I am ridiculously, relentlessly busy at work. Actually, I took on a second job to try to pay down some debt and get ready for baby. So in addition to my regular work, which includes a fair bit of teaching in addition to exhibition planning (plus a publication due in about a month), I am teaching a college course two evenings a week. I really considered carefully whether I could handle the extra work (and teaching is such a notorious time suck). But in the end I felt I couldn't pass up the opportunity, given my debt and future plans--not to mention the current climate...any money is good money. One of the only ways someone with my training can make extra money is to teach (academics have few marketable skills :) )--so when the position fell in my lap, I really couldn't bring myself to say no.

That said, it is KICKING MY A.SS. I spend every Sunday, all day (just finished) preparing lectures. And during the week, it ain't easy. Last Thursday, I had a brutal day at work where I barely sat down, and then had to go teach at 6pm with forced energy. It felt like prison. I actually enjoy teaching and even prepping....but there need to be many more hours in the day...especially the ones when I actually relax my body, exercise, or laugh a little bit. The phrase from "The Sh.ining," when Jack Nicholson is typing the same thing over and over at his typewriter, comes to mind: "All work and no play makes...Jo...a very dull girl." Add the crappiest winter weather in years, + cabin fever and who knows, I may just end up a crazed axe murderer. Let's hope not.

Back to the feeling better part. I'm not quite ready to jump back into my plans at this moment, but I am feeling recovered enough from my depressing holidays to move on. I have a couple of things coming up. First, a combined work/fun trip to California in March, and second, hopefully, a real vacation. I am looking seriously into going to Europe for 2 weeks in June (specifically, Bordeaux), working on my French and tasting wines. I feel like this is something I need to do for myself before I start ttc. After that, I'll revisit (at least that's the plan as of today!) I'm still in good touch with bab.ydaddy and all is really great on that front.

And then, men. I am still seeing third-time-around guy just casually, very casually, and I have an old flame who I'm going to see out in California. I saw him over the holidays (long story...and yes, it did contribute to my confusion and depression). I am not expecting anything to come of it but I am looking forward to spending time with this guy in March.

So that's where I am. I've become terrible at commenting but I want everyone to know I am still following your stories!

Where I've Been

2009-01-11T15:56:00.003-05:00

Here's the dish.

The holidays were hard for me. Really, really hard. I was lonely, and frustrated. The knowledge that I was moving on with my own plans for a family didn't help matters. I thought it would, and I've read other bloggers who say as much. But it didn't. I was low. Very very low. I was fixated more than ever on wanting a partner. And to top it all off, I spent a few days with my nephews and I was questioning whether I could handle it alone. Or honestly, whether I really wanted to do it alone. This is all very common stuff but I have not recovered from it yet, and I'm not sure if or when I will.

I know putting things off is not a great idea, but I think I'm going to have to, for the moment. It just wouldn't feel right to ttc with so many doubts.

Does anyone know of an SMC group in the southern New England area? the environs of Boston perhaps?

New Year's Meme

2009-01-03T17:50:00.010-05:00

I know, another list. But I'm trying to get motivated to post, without luck, and this seemed kind of fun. Feel free to cut and paste (like I did) and do it yourself! (edit Jan 9: date fix: didn't even notice I copied 2007 instead of 2008...! Still in denial apparently:)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?  I went sea kayaking in the actual sea.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  My usual resolution is the vague, "experience more joy." That's not something you can really control, but I'm trying it again this year. Fair to middlen last year. My most major resolution is to once and for all pay off my credit card debt.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  My brother/sis in law, and one of my closest friends, Marci.
4. Did anyone close to you die?  No.
  5. What countries did you visit? None, I guess. (but Western TX did seem like another world).
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?  A relationship.
  7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 4!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Running my department at work in the absence of my colleague and then getting a promotion.
9. What was your biggest failure?  Saving money.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  No, thank goodness!
11. What was the best thing you bought?  I guess it was a new computer-- or a new bed--or two beautiful etchings (yeah, workin' on that credit card debt) :)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  my very supportive mother, and my PKD
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  a friend who seems to think she's still in high school
14. Where did most of your money go?  mortgage/credit card debt/school loans
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  my trip to Marfa, TX
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?  "I Feel it All" (Feist)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?  probably about the same: not too happy, not too sad, I'm slightly thinner since going off hormones, I'm slightly more flush since my promotion
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  traveled for pleasure
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  sitting at my computer on weekends
20. How did you spend Christmas?  with family in the Midwest
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?  well.....
22. What was your favorite TV program? oh, those mad mad men
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?  I feel bad saying I hate her cause she's just so pathetic. (ffft ffft, rreeerrr!)
24. What was the best book you read?  Sebastian Faulk's Birdsong
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Feist
26. What did you want and get?  a really pretty new winter coat
27. What did you want and not get?  an ip.hone
28. What was your favorite film of this year?  totally blanking; the only thing that comes to mind is WALL--E
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  37; I got a facial and a pedicure at a nice spa. I went to work.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  having a boyfriend to spend the holidays with would've been really really nice. Yeah, I'm still there.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?  spend more money on fewer things and make 'em special. Thus the cc debt.
32. What kept you sane?  my kitty
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  Obama!
34. What political issue stirred you the most?  the Palin phenomenon. Wha??
35. Who did you miss?  my friends in SF and NY
36. Who was the best new person you met?  definitely my internet friends
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.  take a friend to the hospital with you when undergoing invasive test procedures
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "She gonna put, sugar on my tongue. She gonna, gimme gimme gimme some." (talking heads).

7 Things

2009-01-01T19:33:00.014-05:00

I got tagged by MeAndBaby. This is good: I've been very unmotivated lately to blog. There's a lot going on my head, and for some reason I can't seem to get it out. I'm kind of in a don't-deal-with-it phase, I guess.

So...here goes. 7 unusual things about me.

1. I lived in Antwerp, Belgium for a year. This was while I was doing research for my dissertation. Every day, I walked about 1/4 mile to a beautiful 16th century museum and did research in the archives there. I love Belgium although it was very difficult to make friends there (with Belgians): I made a lot of foreigner friends. The month before I left, I tried one chocolate truffle per day to choose the best one (I chose it, if anyone is interested!)

2. I didn't grow hair until I was 2-1/2! Seriously! Only peach fuzz til then. (I'm hoping this means my hair will stay around for a really long time). I also had a wandering eye that was fixed by surgery at age 2. I like to think I was a charmingly cute baby. :)

3. I was the valedictorian of my high school class. It was very dramatic because it was a surprise. I kind of edged out the girl who everyone had assumed would be valedictorian for 4 years. At the time, I liked to fancy myself the smart-girl-who-also-partied, so after that my cover was completely blown. I would go to graduation parties, the room would go silent, and someone would say "Ohhhhh, the valedictoooooooorian is here. Everyone behave."

4. I love to backpack and have taken several somewhat death-defying 'backcountry' trips. I know this isn't really that unusual, but I do get raised eyebrows when I tell people. I'm somewhat girly-looking and people get confused.

5. My favorite vegetable by far is brussel sprouts. I have them at least once, but sometimes multiple times per week. I have no idea whether this has anything to do with my stay in Belgium. Perhaps.

6. I'm ridiculously organized and I'm never late (even when I try to be). At the same time, no one has ever described me as Type A (my condo is usually a mess). I'm a weird hybrid.

7. I'm a sucker for really sentimental, moody types of music, like Col.dplay, Kate B.ush, Joni Mi.tchell, that kind of thing (but then again, I've been known to jam out to the truly un-sentimental PJ Ha.rvey).

And I'm going to tag our SMC blogging newbie, Rachael at SMCDownUnder. You're it!

One More Reason to Start Soon

2008-12-15T19:07:00.003-05:00

I recently applied for a job in California. I lived in California for 11 years before moving to the East Coast for a job. I *really* miss California; I have many close friends there; in many ways I feel like it is my true home, even though I grew up in the Midwest. I also have real issues with the state I live in now, (read: insurance laws, insemination laws, corrupt government, you name it!) and would love to live somewhere more progressive. And prettier.

But it's been such a quandry, because the job and move, if I got it (and I think I am a good contender) would cut right into the whole "schedule." It was crazy for me not to apply, because I want to end up in CA, and I work in such a ridiculously specialized field that this is one of TWO jobs in the Bay Area that I would ever take.

Not to mention selling my condo right now would be a niiiightmare.

Plus, I checked, and the institution doesn't give maternity benefits until a year of employment. That would be a major problem if I arrived pregnant. (But they also provide up to 1/2 funding for an adoption--pretty amazing!) I've found that good policies for gay couples usually = good policies for SMCs, as well.

I know, I'm putting the cart way before the horse but if I am anything, it's a planner. It's a compulsion of mine that I consider absolutely every eventuality of a situation.

So I think this has been quietly weighing on my decision of when to begin. Well,...they contacted me today to say that they had to suspend the search due to budget cuts. They told me that I am definitely in contention but that it may be a year or two before they re-open. This is GOOD news! [read: financial crisis over (?); baby in hand (knock on wood)].

What this means is, no more dawdling for heaven's sake! Get going with the pregnancy, I say to myself! (And to my cat. He agrees).

I'm looking at Feb. for my first cycle. I am brimming with expectation!

They Might be ... Adorable

2008-12-13T08:47:00.005-05:00

After reading MeAndBaby's The Reason we do This, I couldn't resist posting this adorable video of my 3 year old nephew singing to a They Might Be Giants song. He actually says "aforementioned" (with a smile). You gotta love how he rocks out and sways. At the end he says something about his "banjo." Oh. Oh. OH. Precious!

I can't wait to see him at Christmas.

Se.gue of My Discontent

2008-12-12T16:33:00.007-05:00

I don't understand. Men. The 3rd time around guy...oy vay.

Poor man. He's 43, SO NOT a boy (although he really truly does want to be a boy I think); he seemed to like me (or at least did when he asked me out for the 3rd go-around). But he can't seem to do anything that an actual relationship would require. Like talking. Like actually seeing each other. Like sharing any little bit of himself. Like having any enthusiasm whatsoever. This has been the most joyless 3 weeks of dating I've ever had. And let me add, we've only seen eachother 3 times in 3 weeks.

I ask, is it worth wasting my time for another minute? The answer, ladies, is no. I just want to know why. Why did he contact me to go out again? Why?

Such a distraction. I was reading this from My DIY Baby and realized how much this little se.gue fits into the typical story (how funny)! I guess I'm in the panic-don't-really-wanna-to-do-this-alone stage that is somewhat inevitable. Making bad choices about trying YET AGAIN with a completely uninteresting and unworthy man is definitely a part of the process.

So I'm getting back to business. I've been tracking my cycles since going off the pill in September and everything seems to be pretty good! Horrible, horrible cramps, as usual, but I finally found some medication that works for that after several tries.

BTW, anyone read this article in the NYT about adolescent girls with horrible cramps? The quote I love best from one of the doctors is "The pain is real." Wha? Like hysterical women have been faking the pain for all these centuries? (I think the doctor needed to convince himself--and thank goodness there is now scientific proof!) I also love the statistic: "20-90% of female adolescents have severe menstrual cramping." Uh, that's a really big window. Can we flesh that out a bit more? The thing I've always felt about women's health is there are SO MANY unanswered questions that seem to get very little attention by the medical establishment. Vi.ag.ra? C.ia.lis? Sure--men can have ere.cti.ons any time they want with a daily pill, but a teenager with bad cramps has trouble having a doctor take her seriously. Oish.

I don't have anything against the medical establishment, really: I just think there needs to be more research focused on women's health issues that many of us live with--chronically, daily--and just endure. I love that it was a big frigging "news flash" in the NYT that girls have cramps! And they're real! It's just a symptom of how behind we are on women's health: can you imagine an article "Men have e.r.ectile dysfunction: really!" in this day and age?

(Yes, I'm being dramatic--it's actually a good article, and the more coverage the better. But still. The whole topic just gets my ire up).

I guess I'm on a rant today. And, clearly, PMS-ing!

mouse/house

2008-12-06T10:07:00.003-05:00

Update: my cat caught the mouse! I am filled with pride at the awesome powers of Charlie the cat, and yet horrified at the presence of said mouse. Are there more?

He wasn't dead. I put him in a bag, carried him downstairs, and dumped him in the back yard. Was that stupid? Will he be dumb enough to return?

Poor little guy.

3TA

2008-12-05T22:46:00.007-05:00

I'm going on a third date with third-time-around guy. We'll call him 3ta. This is they guy who I dated twice for short periods of time over the past year and a half or so. So I guess it's really not our 3rd date; it's 3 of 3. I need a mathematician (or statistician?) to help me figure it out.

We have chemistry, and it hasn't gone away. I think I'm learning that the uncomfortable silences and long periods with no communication that drove me away before were not lack of interest, but probably, 1) extreme loner-ness, (verging on the antisocial) on his part, 2) uptightness. Yea, this cute guy, covered with tattoos, a designer, into snowboarding, you'd think he'd be Mr. Carefree. Ah, no. Can't relax. I feel like he's just not very comfortable with himself; always trying to play the cool dude. But all this is tempered with indications that he's a really sweet guy. Who I happen to find quite attractive.

My past is littered with relationships with EXTREMELY emotive men. The type who cry. And throw fits. And talk... extensively... about their feelings. I know, it's a rare animal, but somehow I found those guys. Well...news flash...none of those relationships worked out. The last attempt in particular was with such the Mr. Emotional that we spent the large part of the relationship responding to his needs. At first it seemed exciting; but after a few years, I think we forgot about me a little bit. I love emotions, don't get me wrong. But it's about finding matching emotional needs. Maybe I've been looking for the wrong type for me.

Not that being with an uptight, closed type of guy is the remedy (if only it were that simple)! But maybe I should stick it out a little bit longer and see if he can loosen up a bit.

And he has a really cute butt. We went bowling. Ample time for watching the butt in complete innocence. Oh, dear. That means he was watching my butt, too.

And....drum roll for the most original insight of the day.... it never gets any easier, does it?

On another note, I think there's a mouse in my house. My kitty is absolutely obsessed with the goings-on underneath my oven. Eek!

Anna Maria

2008-12-01T17:24:00.007-05:00

This is an engraved self-portrait by a Dutch woman from 1633. Her name was Anna Maria van Schurman. Very few women were artists in the 17th century, so it's unique. Not only was she a rare female artist, but she engraved a self-portrait, something that would have been printed in multiple and seen by many. She was an intellectual; she argued for the advancement of the education of women.

What I love about this portrait of a remarkable woman is how forthright it is about who she is, or who she wants to be in the eyes of the world. It's so confident. And it just speaks to me in such a timeless way.

I think a lot about the ladies who came before me and I have a special regard for those like Anna Maria who became who they wanted to be against great odds. Of course she must have felt hesitant sometimes, but she kept her eye on the larger prize of self fulfillment. She must have felt irreversibly driven toward being as true to herself as possible.

I want to say thank you to my very thoughtful readers: it's amazing to be listened to, and to have complete strangers offer advice (really useful and poignant advice) as if I am a close friend. Here's to the Anna Maria in all of us!

A post after 1/4 bottle of wine and some rum

2008-11-29T21:40:00.010-05:00

I haven't posted in a bit. I guess I'm all over the place. This blog should be a place where I can voice anything, right? Anything! I feel as if I wouldn't be this far along in my ttc journey WITHOUT this blog. And then here I am feeling strange and guilty about expressing hesitations.

I know that many of my readers have made very difficult decisions and are going through SO MUCH to have a child. So I guess it feels strange to post about not being sure whether this is the right decision for me. I want to say it has nothing to do with my desire to have children. God, no. But where I hesitate, ladies, is that I still haven't .... still...have...not....been able to convince myself that it's ok if it doesn't happen without a partner. I might admit that some recessive part of me thought that writing about it, planning it, would somehow make "him" appear. There is this part of me that is still in disbelief that I am alone at this point. Disbelief. And there's anger, too. I can't help it. I am still angry at my last boyfriend. Fuck.

I am reading a book by bell hooks called "all about love." She is a feminist writer who has written profoundly in this and other books about the absence of love in many of our lives. She is a major proponent of love being something you consciously decide to give, rather than something that you "fall into." God, maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot by reading these things, but it certainly makes me feel as if I have let a lot of opportunities pass me by. I feel a lot of regrets.

I have also been so wrapped up in work, and it has been so rewarding. I realize how rewarding my life is at the moment in so many ways. I think about how being alone works so well for me.

Here's what gets me, often. I have to admit that one of my major hesitations is leaving my child in daycare, something that would be unavoidable in my situation. I picture myself again and again taking my 6 week old child to some stranger for 8 hours a day and just wanting to die. I feel like I need to be in a situation where that's not my ONLY option. It hurts me to even think about it.

The thing about a blog is that we come to have a connection with our readers; I feel badly expressing my doubts because I know so many courageous women have taken the plunge and the last thing they need is some lady to say how scared she is about it. I think I will come 'round. Birthday number 38 on March 3 may be just the nudge I need.

What I'm Getting Myself Into

2008-11-22T09:34:00.002-05:00

I've had one of these weeks where I've thought very little about ttc. I think the last month of decision-making and thinking has been so overwhelming that psychologically I just needed a break.

Part of it was that last weekend I had a talk with my mom, who happened to have spent a few days last week with my big brother (lawyer brother, the one helping me with the kd contract). Of course I pried her a bit and asked "What did you two talk about, hmmm??" She admitted that they had discussed my plans, and then she said "He's worried. He made me worry."

Ummm. About what, mom? Is it the legal stuff, or other stuff?

"He just thinks you might not know what you're getting yourself into."

Oh. My. God. Is that not the most annoying thing to say? And frankly, to think? Not only is it condescending, but here's the REALLY ridiculous (not to mention ironic) thing: my big brother and his wife have made the decision NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN. Their decision is completely off limits to all family (no one is allowed to discuss it with them). Being a prying sister, I did have one discussion with my brother about it and he admitted, "I'm just scared; I don't know if I'd be a good father; I don't want to 'give up our life' for something that scares me so much."

This is the man saying he "worries I don't know what I'm getting myself into." Of course he worries!! HE doesn't know what I'm getting myself into! (and, apparently, has always been too scared to find out)! So you see why that statement is doubly annoying.

For God's sake. This is what I get for involving family at this early stage. Luckily, when I pointed out how ridiculous it was for him to say that, my mom said, "Oh. You're right. I feel better now." Poor woman.

But the rub of it is that I spent all weekend thinking maybe he was right! Grr. Family.

So I took the week off from thinking somehow. I went out two evenings and stayed out too late (once with the man from the last post...more later!). I worked my ass off. I made fun plans for the weekend.

And now, I feel ready again. Onward. Onward. Onward.

The Past Re-Emerges

2008-11-16T11:41:00.007-05:00

So there is a guy in town who I dated on two separate occasions. By which I mean that we dated for about a month, broke up, and then dated again for about a month about 3 months after that (confused yet..?) I broke it off the second time; the first time was more complicated.

I have definitely wondered if I broke it off with him prematurely. You see, since "the big break up" 5 years ago I have been unusually quick to dismiss relationships. I tell myself that if there is anything that doesn't feel exactly right--any red flags whatsoever--I need to end things. This is an obvious offshoot of past experience, when I continued for years in a situation that didn't feel so great. And then it ended very painfully.

Anyway, I haven't seen this guy for a year (or even talked to him) and then last Friday night while I was out with some friends, there he was. Cute as ever. Nice as ever.

We talked for awhile. My friends told me we were both "glowing" and that it was a sight to behold. He spilled some beer on my suede shoes and was appropriately horrified (good sign). And yesterday, there it was in my inbox: an email from him suggesting that we should get together for a drink. I decided why not. One more try. Last year he had recently ended a long-term relationship so, I think, maybe he's more open to intimacy now (in a nutshell, that was the problem before). Hm. Right decision? I have no idea.

It's funny how dating seems like a distraction from the baby-making process, rather than a step toward it! Seriously. I am so convinced that doing this alone is my path; the thought of waiting to see if it will happen with a partner at this point seems ludicrous.

Big Bro Brings out the Big Guns

2008-11-14T16:22:00.007-05:00

Thanks for your supportive words regarding my last post. Unfortunately I am still struggling with doubts, although now of a type more practical and less irrational.

I had a 2 hour conversation with my lawyer big brother about the known donor contract the other night. He is taking it very seriously and researching everything as best he can. He can't answer every possible eventuality however, since laws in this area have yet to be written (and let's hope my life isn't the one that will write them!)

But the talk did bring up some tough issues. I know my brother is trying to be the best advocate that he can be and also, in a combined lawyer-ly and brotherly sense, make sure I have thought everything through to the nth degree. I appreciate this! Using a known donor is indeed beyond complicated. But it's also tiring to concentrate on every future eventuality. Part of this has to be a leap of faith, doesn't it?

First, he thinks I should go even further than the recommended tests on my donor. He thinks I should be testing numerous genetic diseases as much as possible. He says how would I handle it if my child is born with a terrible condition and I could have known this beforehand? He's probably right. But where does it stop?

Secondly, he worries about my using a midwife, or anything non MD, for the insemination. I kind of chalk this up to a general suspicion of people working outside of established medical channels (this actually goes back hundreds of years)! I shouldn't place much stock in his opinion here, since the procedure is relatively simple. But ok--it did make me pause. He is my big brother and his opinions affect me.

Finally, he is worried about me financially (and I think he was "allowed" to bring this up with me because there is a clause in the contract about my financial fitness). He told me a story about an SMC he knows who was forced to leave her job to find something more flexible. Yea, that happens. But in my case I have a flexible job already. I think his major concern is that I haven't adequately considered just how difficult it might be. Maybe he feels he has to speak to me about it to get it off his own conscience.

I'm not giving up. Just waylaid in details at the moment.

On the Couch

2008-11-11T11:11:00.003-05:00

Here's the post where my blog acts somewhat like therapy. I'm going to talk about some things that keep me up at night and that in past times I may have only shared with a professional. Since I don't want to spend the dough on that right now, here goes.

My anxieties seems to revolve around the stress of being the sole caregiver to my future child. Here are the things that run through my head (and that seem much scarier at 3 a.m.)

1. What if something happens to me? My child is 50% more likely to be left parent-less than with a 2-parent family. I worry about my child being left without me. Somehow planning for life insurance and custodial rights doesn't seem to banish this fear. Part of me feels guilty for subjecting my future child to this possibility.

2. Last night I woke up thinking of my future baby with colic, or with a cold or flu in the middle of the night, and the loneliness and fear of that moment. I even had a kind of vision of me standing by my window trying to comfort her/him. Those are the moments I think will be the hardest.

3. What if somewhere in there I am Mommy Dearest? Ok, this is really irrational, and surely brought on by the showing of that film last Friday evening on the WE network. There is no reason to fear in any way that I would be such a horrible, hurtful, mean mother as Mommy Dearest. Really. I don't want to scare anyone out there. I am a true devotee of wire hangers and even use those horrible dry cleaner hangers with the sticky rolls on them on a regular basis. Wouldn't be caught dead scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees with bleach. I'm going to file this under the "will I be a good mother???" "will my child love me?" anxiety.

[btw, sometimes I feel like tv is channeling into my brain; in addition to Mommy Dearest, did anyone catch the episode of House a couple weeks ago where the single woman Doc (name?) was trying to adopt a child and the child died? I thought the actress did a good job showing the hesitation of dealing with the biological mother--not wanting to seem too controlling but also hugely vulnerable to the bio mom's decisions. Ug. Part of me was happy this story line found its way onto network tv but the other part of me was hugely distressed while watching it.]

I think I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

Six Steps Forward

2008-11-06T17:39:00.003-05:00

First I just want to say that the last two days have been amazing...I am so proud to live in America. The stories on the news about people and their reactions to Obama's success keep me constantly teary-eyed.

So I've been researching and researching and listening to other bloggers and reading and here are the things that seem really pertinent to my situation at the moment:

1. I need to get a signed contract with my PKD before we ttc.

This is in the works. I am the lucky sister of a brilliant law professor. I hadn't talked to him about my situation until last week, when I decided it was time to get him involved with the legal side of things. He was shocked, but immediately open and supportive. He told me he thought I would be a wonderful mother. Such a good thing to hear. He also told me that we need to get the legal thing pinned down. He has now sent my sample contract out to numerous colleagues who he hopes will comment on it. I will be more than happy to share the results with the SMC community. Did I say I love my older brother? He is a sweet guy.

2. Trying home insems may lead to months of frustration

Yea, I'm aware of this, and at my age, every month counts. So, I started to look into how I could move on to IUIs, but with LIVE UNQUARANTINED SPERM rather than the frozen stuff, and found that

3. This isn't possible in Rhode Island

Yea, the FDA has a problem with this. However, there are some states (like NY, CA, MA, go figure) where live unquarantined sperm can be used from a directed donor, so...

4. Lucky me, I live next to one of the most liberal states in the union, Massachusetts!

In Massachusetts, it turns out, midwives can perform IUIs. They wash the sperm and then do the procedure for the SMALLEST PERCENTAGE of what it would cost me at the RE, with the added benefit of being a fresh specimen.

How cool is that?

5. I currently have an inquiry in to a MA midwife.

6. This is going to work. I am psyched. Knocking on wood here.

Please don't burst my bubble. :)

FDA Approved

2008-11-03T12:30:00.004-05:00

Today I had a follow-up with my RE. I left feeling ashamed. He didn't mean to shame me; it's just that I brought up the idea of "home inseminations," which apparently is a big taboo. He stopped me right there and said we couldn't even discuss it, that it was against the law for him to give me any advice! Maybe I should've known that. But it was so abrupt and then it felt like we couldn't recover from it. I think he wanted to get me out of his office as soon as possible after that.

I feel kind of embarrassed by the whole thing. It's funny that if I was a "normal" patient (ie: married and ttc the old fashioned way), I'm sure they could discuss regular sexual practices but anything using donor sperm that doesn't go through the correct FDA channels is a big no-no. I guess it's a don't ask-don't tell situation from now on. Fine. I just wanted his advice anyway. Whether or not he approves of the situation doesn't concern me. What's most important is that I'm confident in my donor (who has been tested for absolutely everyting btw)!

It's just ironic that when a woman really really wants to have a child (as opposed to just accidentally getting pregnant with a man who may not be "FDA approved"), the red tape appears...

A friend of mine suggested using a midwife at home; apparently in Massachusetts midwives are allowed to do home IUI's. They clean the sperm and everything right there. I have a feeling it is not possible in my state (RI). If anyone has knowledge about this, please let me know.

Fall Color!

2008-10-26T17:56:00.003-04:00

A break from the drama to look toward the sky! This amazing maple in front of my neighbor's (bright blue) house blows my mind. It wasn't even sunny when I took the shot. You should see it when there's sun behind it! Heavenly!

Waiting to ttc

2008-10-24T16:31:00.008-04:00

My readers really keep me going on this quest...I am taking the advice of reading through a donor agreement with PKD. Hopefully if anything feels uncomfortable for him he will discuss it with me.

If all goes well, I will start ttc in March! It seems ages away, but I have to wait. I need to pay off two big bills (and I'm taking an extra teaching gig to do it). Plus I need to be just slightly practical because I have a huge career event next September, in the works for 3 years, for which my organizing skills are essential...so I can't really be on leave for that....Anyway, March, March March! The month of my 38th birthday. Gosh. Maybe I'll move it up to February!

And...I've decided to try home inseminations first. I'm not sure how many months to give myself but probably 3 to 6 before I turn to IUI. Anyone have any stories of success from home insems? Wouldn't it be a dream to keep it simple?

Babies babies babies. They are in my dreams. Two this week. Except in one of the dreams, the baby wasn't mine and for some reason it was a melancholy dream. In the other one, she was mine...and it was joyous.

PKD in NYC

2008-10-20T21:03:00.004-04:00

Just a quick update. Since going off the pill I've had a roller coaster month...the beginning was euphoric, and the last few days have been absolutely miserable. I am coping. I managed to go to NYC for my dear friend's opening at a gallery in Chelsea. It was such a wonderful evening--he was ecstatic--and I'm so glad I could make it.

I stayed with PKD while in NY, who is moving from the category of "potential known donor" to "probable known donor." The visit was ESSENTIAL and cleared up a lot of complications and worries (it's amazing how important one-on-one face time can be). Firstly, we did away with the possibility of a romance between us. Our romantic weekend this past summer was an experiment--perhaps a necessary one--but a bad one nonetheless, one that took both of us out of our comfort zones. I really do love him, but much more like a brother. He admitted the same fraternal (or sisterly?) feelings.

He also told me that his willingness to be my donor has nothing to do with his own aspirations to have children. In fact, he admitted that he HAS no aspirations to have a family of his own, or a wife. Part of me is sad for him, because I think that derives from a difficult childhood and a father who abandoned the family. But it's also just one more indicator that he and I could never be more than friends (since obviously, I want the family). The lightbulb went on in my head when I asked him, "Well, if we WERE by some chance to be together as a couple, would you want children?" His answer was no. I therefore cannot ever, ever regret the lack of a romantic relationship between us since obviously it would never work for me (or for that matter, him)!

He also wanted me to know that he just wants to HELP me, because he cares for me. He doesn't need to be known to the child until I deem it necessary. He will sign anything. It was all pretty amazing, and I find myself somewhat in awe of his generosity and not wanting to question it. However, I am definitely open to outside opinions on the matter!

More soon.

Disparate Musings

2008-10-13T11:01:00.005-04:00

Thank you to everyone who wrote me with support. I am not surprised, now that I've had time to reflect, that I responded in that dramatic way to the HSG. I should have known to tell the doctor my history of vasovagal fainting, but I definitely just put the whole thing out of my mind. At least now we (me and the doctor) know to be extra vigilant for future procedures.

The RE has said that I don't need to go through the HSG again unless I really insist (obviously I am not dying to try again). He says that given my history, as well as my laparoscopic surgery that revealed no endometrium on my tubes 5 years ago, the chances of my tubes being blocked are slim. He thinks I should go ahead and try a few IUI treatments (3, he said), and then if those don't take, do the HSG. I am inclined to go with him on this just because I'm leary of the HSG. My one hestitation is of course spending money on 3 months of treatments without being sure that everything is in working order. It's a tough call!

I am going to spend the weekend with my PKD next weekend in Brooklyn. There has already been a little bit of drama here---too much to even explain---let's just say it's complicated. Complicated is the operative word here. I am starting to think that the only way things will work out with this particular PKD is if we somehow end up together. Which is weird. Because after all, who would ever recommend coming at a partnership from this angle, now really? I am fully aware of the perilous territory I'm entering...

In the meantime, had an amazing talk with my mother, who must be winning the award for most supportive mother in the world...she is actually encouraging me to use anonymous (open identity) sperm! It was great to talk through the pros and cons with her, and it makes me realize I need to TALK about all these things more with people I love. It really helps. The blog is wonderful but it's not like having a conversation and seeing and hearing people's reactions to the things I'm struggling with.

In other thoughts, I've been moved by some of the amazingly supportive gestures taking place on the blogosphere amongst fellow SMC bloggers and Infertility bloggers (Dora, this means you!). There is amazing compassion out there.

Apparently, I'm one of the "sensitive" ones

2008-10-07T18:06:00.007-04:00

The tests were traumatic. And I'm not being dramatic. In fact, the HSG never even happened. Don't read any more if you are squeamish...

I've always been a fainter, let's just start there. When I experience intense pain, my natural reaction is to pass out. This has happened throughout my life, and it's even been diagnosed as "vasovagal" fainting. The vasovagal nerve is the one that, if ultra sensitive like mine, sends currents directly to the heart and brain in reaction to pain, bringing unconsciousness. Let's just say if I lived in Victorian England and had to wear tight stays in my dress, I'd be the lady in the corner with the smelling salts.

I got through the sonogram fine (only one fibroid, and "tiny!"). When the Dr. went to put the catheter in my cervix to start the HSG, things got ugly. It was painful, yelpingly owingly surprisingly painful.** Within about 20 seconds, I heard myself saying... "I'm not feeling so well...." Next thing I know, I am waking up, or rather, not waking (those of you who have passed out before know the very odd in-between moment when you have NO FRIGGIN idea where you are, who you are, or even that you are). There were about 8--maybe more--people surrounding me, several trying to coax me out of unconsciousness with gentle "you're ok-s", the rest madly calling for the ER doctor, taking my pulse, or putting cold packs on my head.

Then the questions started. But I was in no position to answer them. I could not move for the nausea. My heart rate was down to 40, they told me later, and I looked like a corpse. But it didn't stop there! All of a sudden my uterus decided to cramp, like the tightest fist you can imagine, and the pain returned. It was ugly. I was limp as a rag and yet writhing in pain (the two things are not congruous). They put in an IV. They moved me to the ER. They did EKGs, blood tests. All that. The cramp lasted for about AN HOUR. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is your pain?" Speaking felt like running a marathon, but I managed to say "10." I didn't want to live in that pain. In 45 minutes it was a 6. By 60 minutes, I was completely back to normal. No abnormalities, no issues with blood or heart. Just, as they wrote on my discharge form, "Common fainting/cramping." Within 2 hours, I was walking out of there.

Besides being completely traumatized, I am now faced with the decision of having to reschedule this test. Next time, A FRIEND IS COMING WITH ME (my good friend was horrified that I hadn't asked her to go, but I really didn't think it was a big deal)! I'm scared.

I'm actually fine now (no residual anything). I even went to work in the afternoon! Crazy. I am not worried about the episode itself, since I know what caused it and similar things have happened before. But I am worried I won't be able to tolerate such procedures that will someday make me pregnant.

**I'm wondering if the catheter should've hurt that much! I really like my doctor, but this was the 2nd time he inserted it because the balloon had failed to inflate on the first attempt. The second time was the killer.

Tests Tomorrow

2008-10-06T09:12:00.003-04:00

I have my HSG and SHG scheduled for tomorrow morning... I am a bit anxious, of course. I keep telling myself there is nothing to be worried about (heh). Will update tomorrow after the tests...

PKD on the Rocks?

2008-10-04T11:09:00.009-04:00

Weird week.

For one thing, I'm off the pill for the first time in many, many years. I've lost 4 lbs without even trying (and I'm eating everything! I made my famous "tamale pie" all for myself and have eaten if for every meal since Wednesday!); I have what I would call "increased sex drive;" and, I have the energy of the Energiz*r bunny. My friend Mary tells me that my testosterone, which is apparently suppressed on the pill, is baaaaack....it makes me wonder if I have been deadening all of the important hormonal impulses that would lead me to finding a partner for the last 5 years. But let's not go there...

I had a long talk with PKD and things are getting a bit complicated. I am sad to write this, but I'm not sure things are going to work out with this donor. Turns out there may be too many residual feelings between us. I don't think it's a problem for him, but I can just see myself, having a child and then yearning for a father for that child and then slowly, slowly, becoming resentful toward this man who didn't want to be with me as a partner, but sure didn't have any problem inseminating me. Do you know what I mean? And I ask that question to the universe and to cyberspace knowing that only I can answer it. I am going to visit him in a couple of weeks (he lives in Brooklyn) to have the big talk.

One of the complications that came up, very quickly I might add, is that PKD started to date someone and within a few dates told her all about "our" plans. He was distressed to learn that she was uncomfortable with it. He said that it made him think about his future dating life. OK, I can respect that (I have no choice but to respect it). But I can't help but reflect on our first conversation, when we talked about "forging a new kind of family relationship"...4 dates with a woman and it's all out the window?

I can't help but be a little pissed off of course (and here's where the dangerous residual emotional ties come in). But I have to remember that when I first asked him, he did say yes AWFULLY quickly. I was suspicious of that, and knew it was too good to be true. To his credit, he seems to have been thinking about things A LOT.

The next step? Go visit, have the big talk, try to figure out if the emotional ties are too treacherous. Then (and here I guess I am already moving on in my mind) start to look at anonymous sperm donation.

If I can spin this in a positive light, his initial willingness to be a donor allowed me to move forward, mentally, with the whole process. It became more real for me. I actually did things like research day-care, figure out my finances, talk to other parents, talk to friends, talk to family. So in this way, I feel more able to go ahead with things even with an anonymous donor.

There is ONE MORE man who I would love to ask to be a donor. This would be a much safer bet, since he is a gay man. Wonderful, smart, talented (a recognized artist), kind, perhaps the most interesting person I've ever met. Tall, with beautiful long fingers. I am fixated on his fingers. Anyway....I don't know if I can bring myself to ask him.

So THAT'S where they all are!

2008-10-03T11:36:00.001-04:00

Last week, I had to be at work on a Saturday (we had a big opening event for a new building in our arts complex). There I was, walking through the galleries and everywhere I looked were COMPLETELY AGE APPROPRIATE MEN, good looking, interested, happy. Of course, in front of every single one of them was a stroller, next to which was a good looking, interested, happy wife. This shouldn't come as a surprise, that ALL of my peers are now living a life completely separate from the one I know. It's funny, though, because I never SEE these people! I guess they're all at home with the family! I go out, I try to meet people, and I'm always saying to myself, "this town just doesn't have any appropriate men for me." I had no idea they actually existed but they are all extremely, inextricably, totally, ultimately TAKEN.

And it hurt. I know in my soul, in my depths (dramatic, but true) that I am supposed to be there too. In my heart, I am one of them. But I'm not.

I guess I'm not as non-traditional as I thought.

I'm not going to go to work on Saturdays anymore. I prefer to live in ignorant bliss.

Grams and Pops

2008-09-27T16:22:00.012-04:00

Grams and Pops---those are the names that my nephews call my parents.

During my parents' visit last week, we didn't really have much time together. They visited during the week and I couldn't take any time off. I did manage to fit in a talk with my mom after my dad went to bed. I've talked to her about having a child on my own before, but not with so much conviction. She is somewhat scared for me, I think. She has a tendency to focus on the practicalities, almost to a fault. She is most worried about the financials (probably with good reason). Still, I didn't want to talk about all that. I just wanted her to say she supports me, that she will love her grandchild with all her heart no matter how she or he is conceived. I think she finally got that--I felt very comforted after the talk.

So of course my mother told my dad the next day while I was at work. They tried to bring it up at a nice restaurant the next night (I put them off). My mom kept pushing my dad to say something to me (she thinks I don't notice those large-eyed 'say something'! looks she gives him). He did say that he loves me and supports me. I said, thank you--that's all I need right now.

But I must say it was so sweet, when I returned home from work the day they left, they had left me a card. It said, "Live your Dreams!" And then my mom wrote, "Looking forward to much happiness in your life---Love, Grams and Pops." I sobbed.

PKD, Discussion 2

2008-09-20T10:23:00.005-04:00

I had another really good talk with PKD (potential known donor) last night. I thought maybe after our first conversation he would have second thoughts, come to his senses...whatever you might call it. Well, he's still very positive about it. I was able to bring myself to ask him what he would want out of the whole thing, or what his expectations might be as regards the child. He said that it's hard to think past the first couple of years, but that his overriding thought is that he would like to help. We still need to define what "help" means, obviously (taking it one step at a time..)! He said that it would be very hard, impossible, for him to have no contact with the child. I'm glad he said that. I want my child to know who his father is. We just need to come to a mutually-comfortable agreement. As I said him last night, I feel that as long as I / we are comfortable with the situation, the child will be comfortable with the situation.

One thing that we still need to work through is how or why our brief romantic relationship (of July!) ended, or more accurately, didn't go anywhere. I think it's important that we are both on the same page, and that there are no lingering desires to be romantically involved. The feelings that we have for each other are quite complex, but I think we both realize we aren't cut out for a partnership. More to explore there...

Finally, I had my 5th date with James on Thursday night. I didn't break up with him but I did feel (and I venture, indicate physically) that things are over between us. I'm sure he is surprised, since the first 3 dates were so wonderful, but it really just hit me on date 4 that it wasn't working for me. I could try to explain why, but it would sound too much like a Seinfeld episode.

My parents are coming for a visit tomorrow for 3 days. This is a crazy time for them to be here. So much going on in my head. I'm worried about conflicts (I have a history of that with my father). My mom and I are close and can talk about anything, but not the case with my dad. I feel that I need to talk to him about where I am going. I really need his support. But I am worried that my dad will be uncomfortable and say something painful and difficult that will replay in my mind again and again. For this reason, my inclination is to hold off on the group discussion and just wait until my mom and I have some time alone....it will be hard, though.

My First Appointment!

2008-09-15T19:40:00.006-04:00

I went to my first consult with an RE today. I really liked the doctor, and the clinic seemed wonderful. I was very pleasantly surprised at how comfortable they made me feel about being a single mom wanna-be (basically this consisted of not flinching when I told them my status). I could feel that it was a bit unusual for them (the nurse kept saying "your partner" and then apologetically correcting herself). What I like about the doctor is that he clearly looks upon me as a fascinating new case or problem that he wants to figure out and solve. I like that analytical approach.

The only weird thing is that the nurse asked me if I am gay. I thought that was a bit irrelevant.

And I got what I think is some good news, although I shouldn't get my hopes up. I showed the doctor some LOVELY pictures I have of my innards, taken during my laparoscopy in 2002. The pics show my uterus and fallopian tubes in all their glory. He explained to me (as my surgeon never did!) that in 2002 none of the endometrium had implanted on either my uterus or my tubes (only on the cavity walls and intestines). He said my tubes looked "beautiful." Of course the pictures are from 5 years ago, and who knows what's going on inside those tubes, but hey, I'll take whatever encouragement I can get.

I am going off the pill and I will be scheduling an HSG and SHG in the next cycle, plus blood work. I had no idea they could estimate how many eggs we have (or did I understand that wrong)? My insurance will cover these tests since the diagnosis is still "endometriosis." So that's good. Despite the lecture the Doc gave me about how "old" my eggs are, my chances for birth defects and miscarriages, and all that good stuff, I feel positive. I am pretty sure I never would've had the courage to make this first appointment if not for the blogging community, so thank you thank you.

I haven't spoken to Matthew again since last Friday night; I think I'm going to make a trip to Brooklyn so that we can talk in person.

Drama

2008-09-13T10:37:00.008-04:00

I was having a bad day yesterday. Work was bad. Work is usually my one really good, consistently rewarding thing, so when it sucks, all of the other depressing things in my life also come into high relief.

I got home after a long day of feeling unappreciated and inadequate, found a small little bottle (like, airplane small) of "dark chocolate vodka" in the freezer, and plopped in front of the tv. Next thing I knew, I was calling Ex Number 2 (Matthew). We are very close. We tried the romance this summer, and it was as if neither of us had it in us. We talked about that. I told him that, romantically, I feel like a cardboard cut-out of myself. [Case in point: James. Things are totally stagnating with that, and I know it's about me].

At the same time Matthew and I care deeply for one another, but I wouldn't describe it, exactly, as romantic love. We talked about that. Next thing I knew, through tears, I was telling him that "I am going to have a child--I mean, no, I'm not pregnant NOW, but I am working toward that." He just kept saying WOW; not a shocking, that's bad, but WOW, that's big, Jo. But he was so supportive, so wonderfully supportive.

Next thing I know (thank you, chocolate vodka!), I am asking him if he would consider donating sperm to my cause!

It got more intense from there, as you can imagine. He said yes.

I said, no, you need to THINK about this; we both need to THINK about this EXTENSIVELY, like for a couple of months, hashing through all the pros and cons, and how it would work. Writing down questions, asking them, figuring it out. This is not a relationship, at least not a traditional one, it's something different, and we need to define that.

I was elated after the phone call. But this is serious--talk-to-a-therapist-stuff, isn't it? Part of me has been wanting this for months (well, actually, I have been thinking about Matthew in this role for a couple of years), but how do I assess, logically, if this is the best choice? There are so many questions to answer.

Knocking Myself Up

2008-09-09T16:46:00.012-04:00

Things have gotten wacky at work, as they tend to do this time of year. Isn't it amazing how, within days, that ole' stress can return? I think to myself "oh, yea, THIS. I remember this." Somehow I totally partitioned it off all summer. I guess I'm good at compartmentalizing.

I finally got the book, "Knock Yourself Up..." in the mail, and I stayed up until 1:00 last night voraciously devouring it. Then I awoke at 5:00 just thinking and yearning. Then, on my way to work all I could think about was my baby--the feeling of having him in my body, the extremely amazing joy of breathing in her smell when she is born. Oh, god. It was hard to switch it off when I got to work. One of these days I'm going to blurt out something horribly inappropriate to a coworker, with tears in my eyes.

One of the things that the book is helping me to grapple with is the idea of donor sperm. I do have hesitations about it. The major one, not surprisingly, is the consequences it might have for my child's identity (or his grappling with his identity). I just picture the average 15 year old and her angst and struggle at trying to know who she is. Many women more eloquent than I have written about this issue before. But god, it's a doozy, isn't it? I am also still just--uncomfortable--with the idea in general. Just not sure yet where I am with it.

One of the best sections in the book is about the advantages of single parenting. It's really the most honest assessment that I've ever seen. Basically, it's arguing that for some women, single parenting can actually be easier. I must say, that resonated STRONGLY with me. The reason being...that the relationships, well, they have always been so hard and honestly, unhappy for me. Of course there is always the blissful love phase, but the rest is mostly characterized by conflict, and pain. [I can't tell you how many times someone has said to me "When you meet the right one, it won't be that way." It's kind of like the ole' "When you stop trying (to conceive) it will just happen," which seems to be the most common sentiment expressed to those ttc.] Hmm.

So yea. Going it alone seems to fit who I am, however I may not have planned it this way, visualized it this way, or even imagined it. I must say--never ever ever did I imagine myself using donor sperm. Wow. But, perhaps I am slowly coming to terms with the possibility that that this is where I am supposed to be.

brief update: 4th date with James; I'm afraid the sizzle is dying, but then, I don't even know, anymore, what my criteria are...it's all messed up.

State Mandates... and an Appointment

2008-09-06T08:51:00.007-04:00

I made an appointment with the local repro endocrinology clinic! I am proud of myself.

I had a good talk with my OB/GYN, who seemed as if she was expecting this call from me (or at least that's how she played it--I appreciated it).

So I started to look into my insurance seriously, made a few calls. And it turns out that the situation is even worse than I expected. My insurance is actually willing to cover treatments for infertility (i.e. insemination); but my LOVELY LITTLE NORTHEASTERN STATE imposes mandates that completely void my insurance. Firstly (and the only one that really matters here), is that I must be married to receive this coverage. The 2nd mandate (I love this) is that a married couple must have been trying for a year--unsuccessfully--in order to receive insurance coverage for infertility. I'm assuming doctors all over just fudge that one. I mean how many couples notify their doctor the day they start trying? Give me a break.

So, yea. There will be no insurance coverage for me. None.

Not sure what these mandates are supposed to be doing, but my suspicions are that in my very Catholic, very tiny state, our very conservative governor is worried about unmarried females (read: gay females?) trying to have children without a living breathing male in the room. Forget unmarried straight females--that's just wrong.

I'm very curious if this is only the case in my state, because I would seriously consider moving. I live close enough to a border that it wouldn't be a big deal. I would love to see this issue in the media...but really, what politician is going to want to broach THIS subject? I don't see it happening.

I'm going to see how things go at the clinic and go from there. I think all this information is just going to be helpful to me as I consider my best path...

Making That Appointment

2008-09-04T09:38:00.004-04:00

Talk about setting the mind to work. The confluence of a new romance, as well as more and more information from my fellow bloggers (thanks everyone), has really got me to thinking. I had a great talk with my mom the other night. She is so darn supportive. Love that woman.

One of the things that has been suggested is that I need to visit my doctor, pronto, and get a fertility test. I guess at the very least that will alleviate any questions I might have about being able to have a child. Who knows what the current state of the ole' system might be.

I guess I have reason to worry, and it's been a bit of a mental barrier for action. For those of you who may have missed it in my previous post, I have endometriosis. As horrible as it is, I do think it is a relatively mild case based on what I know of the experiences of other women. I can basically control the horrible pain with birth control pills. What that means is that I've been on the pill since I was about 19. I had laparoscopic surgery when I was 32. It shouldn't come as a suprise that before then, I hadn't been diagnosed with endometriosis, even though I had been fainting with pain and having "fits" since age 16. One doctor put me on anti-depressants. Another told me I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome--one of the great catch-alls for female "issues." When they finally diagnosed me accurately, I was in surgery within 2 weeks.

Anyway, during the surgery, they removed endometria mostly from the exterior of the uterus and the intestines. No mention of the fallopian tubes being involved. So I guess I am still hopeful? Aren't we all? Should I be?

Yet all the more reason to get tested. I suppose I have feared taking the first step, just asking my darn OB/GYN for the test. I did bring up the fact that I was a thinking SMC within the last year. She is a great doctor and very cool, but I could tell that even she was a bit taken aback. Perhaps she's never worked with an SMC before. Perhaps I'm reading into it. Anyway, last time I had my regular appointment, I guess I was just having a bad day. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her or to ask for any of the information I really wanted (the tears were already swelling up, so I just couldn't go there). I left that appointment feeling depressed and it lasted for awhile.

I need to do this. I'm scared, because going off the pill involves really bad pain. It will definitely affect my sex life (4th date with James on Saturday btw).

But time, it is a-wastin'. Check in soon. I will have made that appointment. I will.

Things Get Complicated

2008-09-02T08:51:00.002-04:00

Who would've thunk that the moment I begin to get serious about having a child, not to mention begin a blog on the subject, I meet someone.

I suppose many people would say it's fate. The ole' "just when you give up, stop worrying, that's when it will happen." I never thought my life really worked that way though.

Let's back up. I've only been on 3 dates with James. But oh, they have been good dates. There is at the very least boyfriend potential here. Almost certain boyfriend-dom. And I have been single for 5 years. F-I-V-E . Y-E-A-R-S.

Still, there's no point getting ahead of myself here. As I've said in many a post, I need to be serious about having a child now, since life is uncertain, especially when it comes to men. Let me rephrase that. MY life is very, very uncertain when it comes to men.

And honestly, it's very hard to pursue both things at the same time. How would most men take the information that I'm going through artificial insemination in order to have a child? Sounds like kind of a deal breaker to me.

Things get complicated.

The Straight Man in my Life

2008-08-30T10:27:00.007-04:00

I am not used to hanging out with straight men.

Seriously, this is true. I work in a job in the arts, where out of 60 employees in my institution, there are only a handful of men. Even the director is a woman. Most of our meetings consist of all women; the 2 male colleagues of mine with whom I work with frequently are gay. I have developed most of my close friends through work, and guess what: they're all females, or gay.

This is a very rarefied world. What's fantastic about it, is that at work, there are NO sexual politics. Zero. In fact, being a mostly-female institution makes it feel incredibly sane and supportive. The other thing that is conspicuously lacking at work is...practical joking. I didn't even know this existed at other work places until I dated a guy about a year ago who was telling me constantly about the funny things his colleagues did to one another's cubicles. I kept asking him what he meant: grown men? Putting v*seline on someone's phone? You're kidding, right? He also told me that there was a long "runway" that everyone in the office had to walk down when they entered the office. Everyone could see it from their cubicles, so they would rate one another's outfits (male or female). Very "Mad Men" if you know what I mean.

Of course, sweeping generalization here, but practical joking is just so....male.

And, because most of my close friends are women or gay men, I am so used to exuding, emoting, and connecting when I have conversations. So much so that, when a conversation doesn't go that way I feel somehow disappointed.

And then there's all that traditional guy stuff: sports? yea, right. Computer geekdom? not so much. People who don't take pride (or spend hours and hours thinking about) decorating their home, or their wardrobe? Or gardening? Do they exist? One of my closest friends is actually....the only male member of the Northeastern African Violet Society. And a fiercely talented artist. And an avid Jane Austen fan. I love him.

So, you see what I mean.

Which is all an introduction to say that I had a wonderful 2nd date last night with the guy I will call James. Being an academic, he and I have tons to talk about. We easily navigated topics like politics, family, prejudice, growing older, being lazy, being vulnerable. It was pretty great. And yet I found myself saying, what's going on here? He's so unemotional!! Oh, and he brought up football. A shock to my delicately guarded sensibilities.

A real, straight man. How exciting.

Happy Days...and a Date

2008-08-27T20:30:00.003-04:00

This is hard this week...for blogging. I am staying home from work to write an essay that will be published, and it's taking up all of my mental not to mention writing energy. So I am preoccupied. And tired. I've written 30 pages of the essay since Monday. On the other hand, during my downtime I've been reading a lot of blogs by some pretty amazing women. It's so encouraging to see SMBC actually in the midst of pregnancies ! Definitely a fantasy that I still can't imagine actually happening to me, yet.

And. I feel extremely, well, HAPPY this week. Maybe it's that I like being away from the office and setting my own schedule. Maybe I'm just happy, because I feel like, recently, I've been confronting things and taking action (finally). Heck, why analyze? I'll just go with it.

One bit of news is that I have a second date with the promising young man I mentioned a few posts ago. Well, he's not that young. He's my age. And a professor. And really sweet. We're going out on Friday. I need to give myself a pedicure and make sure I've done some laundry. Oh, yea. I better go throw a load in the washing machine---I need my black shirt! My wardrobe repertoire for dates consists of two outfits. I haven't been on a third date with anyone for a long time. Here's to hoping that I need to come up with a "third date outfit!"

Being Childless is My Fault, Right?

2008-08-26T06:38:00.005-04:00

I read a blog post yesterday, and one that will remain anonymous, but it was another ALI blogger. I was really hurt by something she wrote. I wondered why I was taking it so personally when I read it. When I woke up this morning still thinking about it I thought: better get this off my chest.

She wrote that most people are under the misconception that going without children is a choice. She said that for her it isn't a choice. It's not as if, after all, she put off trying to conceive, got a Master's degree, went to Europe.

Guess what? I put off trying to conceive (or rather, my failed relationships put it off for me). I got a PhD. I went to Europe. The latter two things may very well have contributed to my failed relationships. But I still don't think this puts me in the category of "choosing" to go childless.

If there's one thing I've learned in the last 5 or so years, we can only plan our lives so much. We can want many things, but that doesn't mean we'll get them. Perhaps one of the points of being on this planet is trying to find happiness whether or not things go as planned.

This is a very supportive community and I know the last thing my fellow blogger would've ever wanted to do would be to shame another ALI blogger. I know that her post was about her own personal experience and had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Obviously, it just hit the "shame" button and also made me wonder if people who know nothing about me will think that my childless state is a choice that I should just live with.

Baby Names Or, Putting the Cart before the Horse

2008-08-24T08:55:00.000-04:00

Today, I looked on the website parents.com where they have a great list of baby names.

Kind of like picking out a wedding cake before the second date. Or while you're still completely single.

But I do these things to myself. Yes, I do.

Apparently, the two categories of names that appeal to me most are "Classic Cool," and "Vintage-y." I like names for girls like Elinor (from Jane Austen!), Violet (just sweet), and Nora (vintage, cool). But if I adopted a child from abroad I would take into consideration her roots and pick a name from that culture (or an anglicized version). For boys, I tend toward the more traditional, early-20th century names. I like the name Gilbert. Gil is a cute nickname. The Social Security website is fun, because it gives the most popular names by decade--fascinating! I love that the 20s was all about Gladys, Ethel, and Beulah--will those names ever come back?

Yea, so. One of the things the woman at the adoption agency asked me, and that I wasn't entirely ready to answer, was whether I would want to adopt a girl, or a boy. Apparently the vast majority of adoptive parents want a girl. She also told me that, barring China, most countries have more boys available than girls. When I asked her why, she said that people, apparently internationally, consider girls easier to raise. I wonder if this has something to do with economics, as well: girls are seen as contributing to the running of the household and staying close to home. Hmm.

Obviously were I to have a child on my own, I wouldn't have a choice, so it's a bit weird to choose. I have two young nephews, so I see how precious little boys can be. Still, and here it is, if I'm going to have only one child I suppose I hope for a girl.

Can't quite explain it. I don't think it's about it being "easier" to raise a girl. It's probably about duplicating the relationship I have with my mother, which is extremely wonderful. We are really best friends, but not in an icky she's-trying-to-be-my-age way. More like soul mates.

Which is the better choice for me?

2008-08-19T20:15:00.012-04:00

This evening, I attended an information workshop at a local agency specializing in international adoption. I was the only person to show up at the workshop. Turned out to be a good thing. The presenter was also a single mother (although much older than I and not by choice), and we had an interesting talk.

It's great to get more information on the process. I was so excited, just sitting there thinking about the fact that I could start tomorrow, and have a child within a year.

And that's the thing. When considering having my own child through artificial insemination, vs. pursuing an adoption, I am really torn. If finances weren't an issue at all, I suppose I would choose insemination (although even as I write this I still have reservations about wanting to go through that difficult process). But the truth is that finances are an issue--a big one.

Here's how I see it as a logical, practical human being. Adoption is a sure thing. Yes, I will spend upwards of $25,000, but in the end, I will have a child. The one thing I have learned from reading other women's blogs is that even IVF is not a sure thing. 10s of thousands of dollars can be spent on the process and the end result may still be: no baby.

It sounds like such a commercial transaction when I put it that way! But I guess it's the reality.

Here's the other thing that is affecting my decision. I have endometriosis, one of the primary causes of female infertility. I've never had any fertility tests done, so I could be perfectly fine. I just have a gut (or uterine) feeling that I will have difficulty conceiving.

Either way, I'm going to have to start saving money, and I mean seriously. What I'm thinking--and this plan might completely change--is that I give myself 3 to 5 years to save the money. In the meantime, I try some of the less expensive modes of insemination, which would include, I suppose, home insem (via sperm bank, or dare I say Ex Number 2), and perhaps ICI or IUI. Am I skipping anything? I need to learn more about all this stuff. To the blogs!!

Too much information?

2008-08-18T19:51:00.005-04:00

Wow, I'm feeling really overwhelmed.

I checked out many of the great blogs on the blogroll, mentioned in my previous posts. I am blown away by the things women are going through (particulary, IVF) in order to have children.

Yet now, as I sit here with a pit in my stomach, I don't know if it's helpful. I'm still at the early, optimistic stage of things. It seems as if that's where everyone started. But now, so many of them have been trying for years. One woman had even sold her home and was living with her family in order to fund her fertility treatments.

It makes me wonder if I am up for all this. Maybe it's BETTER to go into it somewhat blind. Who says knowledge is power? How about ignorance is bliss!? I think it's important that I begin this journey with as much optimism as possible.

Obviously, this new-found community could be very helpful to me, as well. I just need to ease into things.

Whole-Lot-Of-Blogging

2008-08-18T11:05:00.003-04:00

Following up on my last post, I received a great response from sprouts about a fantastic blogroll with tons of links to blogs by women going through similar experiences. I can't wait to check all these out. Thanks sprouts!

The Shame of the Biological Clock

2008-08-17T10:20:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking about the fact that there seem to be very few forums for women like me--single, professional women beyond the age of 35 who want to have children--even online. I have yet to find another blog about this subject (please correct me if I am wrong).

I've noticed, for instance, that it is perfectly acceptable to go on ad nauseum about dating and finding the perfect match. Apparently our culture condones this. However, very few women can bring themselves to acknowledge (at least publicly) that "the" relationship may not happen within the necessary time frame for a family.

I started looking into whether there was any press on this issue and it is all but ignored in the American press. In the UK, however, it's all over the place! Recently, there was legislation passed in the UK allowing single women to get insurance coverage for IVF (see this Times article). The London newspapers have also featured a number of articles about the phenomenon of single women who want to conceive by themselves.

Are we just behind the Brits? I can't believe this concern is any less prevalent among American singles (something confirmed just within my own group of friends). Is it too divisive a subject to broach in America? Were it to come up from the underground, would it become another cause célèbre for the Christian right (and there is reason to fear this, since single women are often conflated with lesbian couples in the press and legislation surrounding this issue)?

But more importantly, why aren't women TALKING about this on blogs, etc.? Perhaps acknowledging it is akin to giving up on finding "the" relationship (even though I do not agree with that).

My experience is that there is shame surrounding this issue. There is embarrassment about being "unsuccessful" at finding a partner (or not wanting to find a partner). There is shame about taking the biological clock seriously (not just joking about it).

Ex Number 2

2008-08-14T19:20:00.000-04:00

I need to keep focused. That great first date from last weekend (see Maybe It's not ALL that I want) was only a first date, after all, and Ex Number 1 lives in California (whereas I am in the Northeast). So. Do I have any other options for starting a family "the natural way"?

Matthew is more of a friend-with-potential than an ex. We became close when I lived in New York 3 years ago. At the time he was involved with a woman who ended up cheating on him. We had an attraction, but never acted on it, primarily because Matthew decided that he wanted to try to patch things up with his girlfriend regardless of her infidelity. Two years later, they broke up for good. No surprise there.

For the last year, Matthew and I have been dancing around our feelings for one another. We've seen each other intermittently in New York. In June, I decided to throw caution to the wind and invite him to stay with me for a weekend. He liked the idea. No pressure. Just friends. Maybe things would evolve organically over the course of the weekend?

They did. By the end of the weekend it felt to me as if we were romantically involved. And yet, very quickly after we parted, we both reverted to our previous, friends-only stance. I am having a hard time thinking of Matthew as a boyfriend, much as I care for him. It's an odd transition for me--friend to boyfriend. I guess I've always come at relationships from passion-first, friends-second rather than the other way around.

So, I'm not jumping out of my skin, wanting to be in relationship with Matthew. But there are many great things about "us." We care deeply for one another's happiness and well being. He also "deals" with me just right--he's compassionate, gentle, emotional, and almost devoid of egotism. He genuinely respects women. Could I make a family with him? Should respect, ease, and friendship take precedence over passion at this point?

"I just don't like being pregnant"

2008-08-12T17:50:00.000-04:00

I had a close friend from college visit me a couple of weeks ago with her husband and 4 year old son. She told me that they are in the middle of the long process of international adoption. They will be adopting a child from Ethiopia.

My friend's reason for adoption was "I just don't like being pregnant" (she volunteered this information--I did not ask). I couldn't help but feel jealous: not only does she have the option to have another natural child if she desires to (and yet chooses not to because she doesn't "like it"), but also, she and her husband obviously have the ready funds to adopt a child.

I've been looking into international adoption quite seriously. Even though most agencies (one that I've been referred to is CHSFS) like to say that the costs range from $12,000 to $30,000, my research has shown that adoptive parents rarely get by with the lower end. The average appears to be around $25,000.

The bottom line is, it's hard to adopt unless you are part of a two-income couple, where expenses can be shared and funds can be saved. I am trying to figure out how to save enough money over the next 5 years to make this happen (not to mention actually start saving for retirement!), but I honestly don't know how I will accomplish that.

Maybe it's not ALL that I want

2008-08-10T08:58:00.007-04:00

Yes, this blog is about one thing--having a baby--and titled "all that she wants"; but now I'm here to throw a monkey-wrench into the whole darn thing.

A baby is not ALL that I want. It's just the one thing that I might be able to actually control at this point.

In fact, I want much more than that, in a perfect world, and this weekend I caught a glimpse into those feelings once again. They are still buried, somewhere! Just dormant...

I had a really lovely--really great--first date with a quite wonderful man (thanks eharmony.com!). Age appropriate, handsome, very intelligent, kind, and gentle. And funny. Lots of common ground. We met for lunch and didn't part until 3-1/2 hours later, both of us completely unaware of time. I'd say that's a pretty good sign.

I really like this guy. Without "getting my hopes up," which is a really dangerous thing to do, as I've found from previous internet-dates (more on that later), I would say we have definite potential.

It's amazing, and worrying, how the fantasies immediately take over. A loving relationship. A partner in life. Sex (in the fantasy, it's always really good sex). A family. And then the more frivolous things. A date for events. A partner on vacations. Someone to try that new restaurant with. Someone to make dinner for.

Obviously I can't have those expectations yet in reality with this particular man...that would be silly...but I guess this demonstrates that my spirit really has not given up hope for the possibility that my family could be a more traditional one. It's really difficult to have that carrot dangled, since there is so much at stake (and it ain't so great for relationships to have so much at stake, as you can imagine!)

I guess I have to keep focused, and perhaps look at these goals (relationship, and baby) separately. Just because I have one good first date should not alter my quest to become a mother all by myself.

I'm not the only one

2008-08-07T21:33:00.009-04:00

Last night, I had dinner with a girlfriend, also in her late 30s, never married, and still single. Like me, she is a successful professional who has had many boyfriends, including long-term monogamous relationships, but somehow finds herself single at the age of 38.

Karen and I have been friends for almost 2 years, but it was only about 2 months ago that we each sheepishly admitted to the other that we wanted more than anything to have a child, and, that we were getting very worried about when and how that might happen.

Why two women, confident and communicative in almost every other aspect of our lives, would be so hesitant to speak about this to one of our closest female friends is still a mystery to me. I believe that we were so caught up in our personal traumas (what is wrong with me? how did I get here?) not to mention what others might think, that we sacrificed the solace of community. Perhaps we wanted to focus on finding a relationship, without admitting that we had fears about that ever happening--and what the consequences might be.

Thankfully, we "found" each other on this subject and can now offer as much support as possible. We have even discussed going through the process of having a child at the same time.

Karen is much more invested in conceiving a child with a sperm donor than I, to the point that she is almost ready to start the process.

Neither of our insurance covers ANY of this process. In my state, even married couples must somehow prove (and how do you do that?) that they've been trying unsuccessfully for a year (a married year) to conceive before they are eligible for any health coverage whatsoever.

With single women, we aren't technically infertile, are we?...just lacking a living, breathing sperm donor in our bed.

Sometimes it seems as if this issue is INVISIBLE. I can't even find any other blogs on this topic. Ladies, are you out there?